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plan4fate October 16th, 2012 12:34 AM

Putting on my big girl panties...
DH's grandmother died. I leave for Illinois tomorrow night. L and I are leaving at the same time so we aren't on the roads alone (she has to come back earlier, or we'd go together... LOL).

But I have to see my InLaws.. whom I've not seen/spoken with since the incident last fall. So I'm putting on my big girl panties and installing a brain mouth filter. I'm gonna let DH handle them... He wants Reme and L to sit with he and I... but I suspect his sisters and mom to put up a fuss wanting Reme with them.

But we will get through it. It's only one day...one very emotionally charged day... his grandma was the peacekeeper... wish me luck?

My2miracles October 16th, 2012 09:46 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
Good luck! I hope it goes well for you!

I missed my dh's grandmother's funeral because his ex & oldest dd were there. I didn't trust that his oldest dd wouldn't cause trouble. I didn't go because I didn't want to do that to my mil & dh's aunt.

Rachel October 16th, 2012 10:15 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
I hope it goes well! Safe travels! ((hugs))

w292737 October 16th, 2012 10:35 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
good luck :hug:

.Katie. October 16th, 2012 10:48 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
good luck!!!!!!!!!!

Keakie October 16th, 2012 06:37 PM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
Good luck and safe travels! I hope they put on the big boy and girl pant(ie)s too, seeing as they're the source of the drama. :hug:

K.A.T October 16th, 2012 09:56 PM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
My condolences. Have a safe trip and best of luck.

plan4fate October 17th, 2012 10:29 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
Well we got here safe. Lora and I met at her place at midnight, swapped boosters (mine's better) and hit the road. We only made 3 stops (miracle for me, usually it's 5) and the drive took about 10 hours. Only one hitch... we got separated in traffic, and since I was following her, missed my turn. LOL. And with no GPS, getting back to her was interesting.

It was a very unique drive. I probably spent 3ish hours chatting on the phone with her about day to day life.. it was nice. And we both realized this week that we aren't 1st wife 2nd wife... we're friends. Which.. I like.

So now we are here. She's staying with DH's family, I'm staying in DH's hotel room. Apparently his sister is already being a grumpy witch... with the stress and emotional pain I can understand some of it.. but going out there tonight to see Reme should be interesting.... I'm adapting a shut up and look sympathetic position... but DH is free to act as he sees fit.

My2miracles October 17th, 2012 11:24 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
I'm glad you made it there safetly. I hope his family behaves & it goes better than you expect.

I always have a hard time doing the "shut up" position. I hope you succeed!

plan4fate October 19th, 2012 11:43 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
Yeah I did good. Neither sil said a word to me. One actually walked away as I approached. Hi.Ms mom seems conflicted on how to handlenme. Sometimes she is fine other times she will talk around me. My bil and fil have no issue with me around. The rest of the family seems to love me especially his one aunt and grandfather. He gave us hid full blessing for a happy and wonderful life last night.

But man..talk about awkward at the funeral home. Some felt I shouldn't be there. Some felt L shouldn't be there. The moment of panic that came when someone realized she is in the big family photo in the program not me was amusing. It was all I could do to not laugh out loud at them all. I know some women would be upset by the photo or the ex there but grandma cared a lot for her granddaughters by marriage and that's the stuff that matters. As for the photo...the last reunion was when Reme was a baby. Were they to not use the photo just cause woody got a divorce?

But we survived and that's the main thing. His immediate family may never fully open their arms to me but I think I can be ok with that because the rest of them are more than happy to do so. And ya just cant win em all.

Keakie October 19th, 2012 01:28 PM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
It really boggles my mind that people get caught up in such petty crap at funerals/funeral homes/etc, like who should be there and who should not. It doesn't mean everyone has to mourn together, but there are all sorts of relationships and people who are affected when a family member is lost. Everyone should have a right to say goodbye, in my opinion, and to give their condolences to other family members or friends that they are/were close with. It's so strange that something that should put our time on this earth into sometimes harsh perspective (like the loss of a loved one) can sometimes do the exact opposite.

Before my Grandpa passed in May, two of his sisters and one of his brothers came over from Scotland to say goodbye to him and to give emotional support to my Grandma. His diagnosis was very sudden, but there were a few weeks between diagnosis and his passing, and during that time he had made it expressly clear to my Grandma that she was not to have a funeral for him. He knew money would be tight for her, and did not want her spending money on a funeral. That's just how he was - he was always a very simple man who didn't want a lot of fuss made for him. My great aunts and uncle arrived after he was past the point of being aware/speaking very much, and they never asked about funeral plans until after he had passed. My Grandma had been planning to have him cremated, as that was what he wanted. She chose a beautiful urn (it's in the shape of a heart, and actually has two pieces to it so that her ashes can be added to the other half when she passes - somewhat morbid to have around the house now, but it has been a great source of comfort for her and it's what she wanted) and my family hosted a casual gathering to remember Grandpa at my dad's home after the cremation had taken place. A lot of people showed up, and it was really nice for everyone in the family. My great aunts were EXTREMELY upset that Grandma was not preparing a full, traditional funeral. When my Grandma explained that that had been his wish, and that he had stated it quite clearly more than once to both her and my Dad, she seemed to understand and said she had just been taken aback. Sadly enough, a cousin of my dad's who I had never met passed away while my great aunts and uncle were still here, and they ended up leaving early/before the gathering to attend to family back home. Grandma was okay with it because they were taking both losses very hard and it was to the point that she felt she was taking care of them instead of vice versa, but to everyone's knowledge they had left on good terms with my Grandma. After they got back, though, one of my great aunts made it very clear that she would never forgive my Grandma for not holding a funeral, and the three of them haven't spoken to her since. It breaks my heart for her, but what can she do? :( It makes me angry to watch them get so caught up in something that in reality is so unimportant around such a huge, difficult time for everyone. It isn't like no one did anything. My Grandma traded in her car and had to move to a smaller house because her income really *has* gone down that much. The urn is gorgeous, with a nice inscription and a Scottish thistle to represent their heritage, with both of their names on it. The open house/gathering for friends and family was lovely and emotional, and everyone shared their best memories of him. He is remembered and loved and is still remembered and loved. He didn't want a funeral, and he certainly would not want his family to be treating his wife of over 50 years poorly.

Anyway, all that aside, I'm happy that there was minimal drama for you and Woody and Lora, and I'm glad that you are feeling fairly positive about things with his family. No, you can't win them all. :hug: There are STILL a couple of family friends who don't speak to Andy because he got divorced. They will *never* be happy about our relationship. Most people, though, especially the ones who knew bm and who can see the difference in dh now vs. then... they're happy that he is whole and healthy. They're happy that he has the chance to be the husband and father he was always meant to be. They're happy that they, and I quote, "have the old [dh] back". As for the dissenters... whatever. I'm glad that there are a good amount of not-crazy family members who have embraced you and welcomed you. :)

plan4fate October 20th, 2012 11:01 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
I went over to Grandpa's after I typed the post yesterday to check in and see if I could help sort the mountain of flowers and figurines that came in (who better than someone who won't cry at every arrangement because she has no idea who the people are? lol). When I got there they were discussing one of my SIL's... and Grandpa basically said to cut my losses... but that I wasn't actually losing anything, not with her attitude as of recently.

Turns out I'm not the only one they don't like either.

His mom seems to have come back around. Which is good, though DH is still in the "I don't care, they've had their chances before" stage. But it eases up my mind at least.

His sister let the kids pick out little angels to send to the funeral for their great grandmother. Well, they sent Reme's back with me. Dh wants me to keep it here, on my shelf with my Dad's ashes. I'm waiting for one of them to check with L about it's whereabouts and freak :rolleyes:

I'm sorry that your grandfather's family were like that Kayla. I think your Grandmother did the right thing, honoring his wishes. I know that Bill feels that he didn't do as right by Doris as he could have, but he felt an obligation to the family to make an exception. She didn't want anyone to see her at all, but her only surviving family hadn't made it to see her before she passed, and were very distraught over it. You don't upset an 80 year old man anymore than you have to.. so Bill chose to tweak her wishes. He had her laid out in her handmade (yes, her son and nephews and probably grand babies MADE her casket by hand) Casket, wrapped in her favorite quilt, for the family. We got 1 hour to see her, and say our goodbyes before they sealed the casket.

Well let me tell you, it will be a long long time before I get that out of my head. We assumed that meant they'd put the cover on it. No, they sealed it. Her son, her only boy, hammered it shut with all of us there. If I had realized that Aunt Lynn had fled before it happened I'd have followed!!

So the public got to see the family, and the casket, but not her. We think she'd forgive us. :)

Now I have to go and search amazon for a solar light that I like. I drove by the cemetery last night, and it was pitch black.. and I had a panic attack. I'm terrified of the dark, so is Reme... so the idea that she's out there (dead or not makes no difference to me) in the dark just about did me in. I had to pull over until I calmed down. My dad has no less than 4 solar lights on his grave, he didn't like the dark either. I'm gonna send it to his Aunt Lynn and cousin Teri (The one who likes me) and they'll get it put out for Reme and I.

And now I need to go dispose of a dead fish, and go replace said fish, and get some minor shopping done. I came back early because Woody couldn't sleep with me there (full size bed + two people who fight over space in their king size bed... was not a fun time.. but it's the first time we've ever snuggled at night. LOL) so I came back last night... 10hr trip took 4 cause I had to stop and sleep.

Ember Rose October 21st, 2012 03:45 AM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
Death does funny things to people. I know when my friend's mom died she hadn't really talked to her girls about the fact that she wanted to be cremated and the funeral home was kinda jerky because they were low on funds so they weren't delicate about the fact they were cremating her. It was hard but they still did it. It hurts my friend's heart that she can't go visit her mama somewhere but she gets it ya know.

Then at my grandmother's funeral, one of my aunt's husband acted a fool. It might have been a culture clash (he's Jamaican) but he videotaped the funeral and was pushy about it and then wanted to watch the video that night back at the family house. I thought my mama was going to jail. NEVER seen her that mad.

I'm glad you had a great trip and the light sounds wonderful. And it's so true some people just suck and it's their loss.

Stepmom2Be October 22nd, 2012 10:17 PM

Re: Putting on my big girl panties...
Its hard when youre so used to being so relevant all the time, and then all the sudden feel like you arent. Sounds like you handled the whole situation like a saint though.

Glad everything worked out!

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