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-   -   Thoughts? (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/2625817-thoughts.html)

Megs982 February 15th, 2013 08:35 AM

So we have the boys (James') every weekend. BM and James have not had any legal court date for custody, visitation ext. We do have a support date for the 25th (he has been a good man paying support every month since they moved out last year).

Well, its a issue every month, because James has requested that the 3rd Friday we don't have them and pick them up by 10am on Saturday morning. I think its more of a restart button for us being with everything thats been going on plus my 4 all week.

Well, yesterday we recieved a text from BM stating if he was getting them by 10 on Saturday in which he replied yes..then she wrote this long text after in which he didn't reply of how he only sees his kids 55 hours or so a week and that it sucks because she works on Fridays and how she had to explain to Logan that dad doesn't want him on the 3rd Fridays because spending time with Megan is more important blah blah blah..

Basically laying a guilt trip. She always has..Since the day Logan was born to get her way.. Hard to explain over the net, but when they were together she would use the boys to get her way and to excuse her behavior..basically they were used as pawns in the game of chess in james' life that she liked to play.

The boys are James' only blood (he was adopted ect) So he caves a lot when she uses them and she knows it. She's threatened him not to see the boys over little things like if he didn't give her extra money on top of the child support he pays and so on..

Is this normal is what I am getting at I guess? James knows a few guys at work that are split and they only see there kids every other weekend..and say a day during the week on the off week they don't have their kids..Keep in mind BM loves to party and thats what she does on her weekends..We have actually picked up a day here and there because she was working a "double" only to run into her out and about with other people.

Now once we go to the court date for support this month we are going to request a date for the whole custody/visitation because I believe it will put a stop to the whole "you can't see your kids bc of such and such" Its a mess.. Is normal blended families this chaotic??

mom2more February 15th, 2013 08:49 AM

Re: Thoughts?
I don't know anyone who has an agreement where one parent has the kids all week and the other has them all weekend. I know I wouldn't want to never have my kids on a weekend! I mean thats the time we get to hang out and unwind together. The week is hectic with school and after school activities and bedtimes, etc.

I don't think its unreasonable for you and James to want a Friday to yourselves! I wouldn't blame you if once a month you wanted a whole weekend kid-free! Maybe when you go to court he could request to have one weekend a month without the kids and pick up a week night to take them after school till bedtime each week?

stresswife February 15th, 2013 08:55 AM

Re: Thoughts?
I think asking for ONE day a month to recharge yourself is not asking too much, I would for sure get that all settled through the court. I know exactly how you feel about BM's playing the kids like pawns to put on a guilt trip.
you're not asking for an entire weekend off, just one evening that is totally reasonable I think.

Megs982 February 15th, 2013 08:56 AM

Re: Thoughts?
Thats what we would love to do.. But until the court tells her so..she calls him a bad father for not wanting them.. She works 2nd shift all week.. maybe see's her kids for a hour or so each day? I love the weekends when my kids are here instead of their dads..BUT she plays his hand and if he didn't take them one weekend w/o the court saying he will "pay for it" and come up with some evil scheme lol

She will also tell him that "this is the life you chose deal with it" regarding the one friday.. If you think about it its only a few hours. We don't pick them up until 5 on Fridays we run errands (pay day) and they are in bed by 11 that night.. There isn't any "quality" time spent there.

Also, would like to note she is very bitter towards me since. She's told James that it isn't fair that we live in a nice house and I get to stay home. She will feed into Logan's head (has already numerous times) that he likes my kids more and thats why they live here with THEIR MOTHER lol.. SMH

mom2more February 15th, 2013 09:10 AM

Re: Thoughts?
It sounds like she is still very hurt over their relationship ending and him moving on with you. Hopefully she eventually moves and and stops the games. Its not good for the kids and as they get older they will see that what she is saying is not right.

Megs982 February 15th, 2013 09:13 AM

Re: Thoughts?
Well..she had left him 2 years ago to go be with another guy, whom got her into drugs, drinking ect..Well about 9mths ago he had broke up with her and she wanted James to come back to her and was mad that he said no because he was happy and its been a downward spiral since then unfortunately. Its one thing for her to be bitter..its a whole other story when she uses those poor babies as tools towards their dad and I.

Keakie February 15th, 2013 10:04 AM

Re: Thoughts?
Can I ask why your df hasn't had a custody/visitation schedule finalized with the court?

I know that a lot of people want to believe that they can co-parent peacefully without spending the time and/or money to have it legalized, but really, the structure and peace of mind that it brings is absolutely worth it. Having a legally binding CO not only protects EVERYONE involved, but it outlines clear parameters for things like visitation schedules and child support payments and offers recourse if the other parent doesn't want to play ball (i.e. if they had a visitation schedule, her refusing to allow him to see the kids would be a violation and she would be putting herself in contempt of court). Going for support is great and it's a good start, but it offers her protection and gives her a method of recourse against your df, but it leaves her completely unaccountable for her denial of visitation, etc. and that's really not fair to your df or the kids.

I know you mentioned they were never married, either. I'm not sure about your state, but in a lot of places unmarried fathers have no default rights to their children even if they're on the birth certificate. In theory, she could pack up and take the kids wherever she wants to and your df would have little to no recourse. I'm not trying to scare you, but it is really important that everyone's rights be put into writing to prevent that sort of thing.

K.A.T February 15th, 2013 10:12 AM

Re: Thoughts?
Without reading pst the first post I'm going to respond. In short, yes, blended families can be and usually are very chaotic. As far as visitation schedules...from my work and personal experience, the most common schedules are every other weekend during the school year, alternating holidays, school week vacations, one month out of the summer (sometimes the entire summer), and one day mid week (this I've only seen in cases where the parents live near each other).

In my opinion, it's best to set not only days but drop off/pick up times, especially if you deal with a parent who can be difficult. I also feel that setting an exchange location can be helpful when you have difficult parents, have a hard time getting along (public location with witnesses to avoid the he said she said drama), or live far from each other.

Umm that's all I can think of right now, plus Ethan isn't allowing me to freely type at the moment.

stresswife February 15th, 2013 01:18 PM

Re: Thoughts?
Oh yes, he really does need to get the visitation and custody set up, my DH wasn't married to his ex and she moved the kids to wyoming(we live in texas) and there isn't a thing he can do about it because they never went to court to settle things.

w292737 February 15th, 2013 02:30 PM

Re: Thoughts?
I got nothing since I don't share custody, but I hope you guys can get a court order soon.

Ember Rose February 15th, 2013 05:56 PM

Re: Thoughts?
Yes it's normal, no it's not right, things may or may not be better once you get a custody schedule established with the court.

stucklikeglue February 15th, 2013 09:20 PM

Re: Thoughts?
In my situation I Am suppose to have my son the first second and fourth weekend with one overnight stay during the third week. But I have him every weekend. After my ex won custody he promised that he wouldn't take him from me and that he just wanted a co, he never expected too win. I don't do anything stupid no drugs or alcohol.

Every situation it different. My fiance's ex is a whole other story. She has no boundaries and thinks she can threaten us and we are the ones with custody. Blended families can be very chaotic!

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