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-   -   What do you grieve? (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1432-broken-heart-not-broken-woman/1963257-what-do-you-grieve.html)

ChicaChels May 1st, 2010 02:39 PM

What do you grieve?
What about your experience makes you the most upset?

PinkFireFly May 1st, 2010 09:12 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
Oh gosh..

there are a list of things that make me upset..

-My water breaking 2 weeks early...
-Getting put on Pit rougly 5 hours after my water broke
-Feeling rushed throughout the whole labor process
-Not enough support from DH
-Being threatened with a c-section
-Having a cervical exam during a contraction when the OB could have waited
-My OB having no bed side manner whatsoever
-My MW not staying until I delivered
-Ending up with an epidural

I think the main thing is being rushed... I was giving birth in a hospital and of course they want you in and out to free up the room for the next... They don't exactly let nature take its course.

Aeterna May 2nd, 2010 09:13 AM

Re: What do you grieve?
I mourned the birth I didn't get with ds1. We were planning a homebirth and I ended up being induced at the hospital because he died. My first home visit was supposed to be the following week.

I never wanted to step foot on the L&D floor unless absolutely medically necessary. I was treated poorly because we were planning a homebirth. It was assumed I had glucose intolerance issues because I'm fluffy. The OB on call had poor bedside manners. I felt incriminated. The induction itself was straightforward and pretty fast, but it was all very traumatic. I had been planning/wanting a homebirth since my second pregnancy and fantasized about the experience, but deep down I had this feeling that I wasn't going to get my homebirth. I had a very gloom and doom feeling about the pregnancy that I couldn't shake. My worst fear became reality.

I mourned the loss of my sweet boy and the birth I had long planned and hoped for.

Aeterna May 2nd, 2010 09:22 AM

Re: What do you grieve?
having some issues with posting*

Aeterna May 2nd, 2010 09:53 AM

Re: What do you grieve?

L-SBB May 3rd, 2010 03:50 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
What i regret the most was that they had to take her to be monitored for almost 2 hours immediately after birth and I didn't get to hold her right away (they held her for a sec so I could see her and then whisked her away)...It makes me sad thinking that her first hour+ was spent disoriented and not snuggling with me :(

ChicaChels May 4th, 2010 09:22 AM

Re: What do you grieve?
I really, REALLY grive my induction in general. It was so out of the blue and unexpected! I mean, on Tuesday I was taken off such strict bedrest (and I honestly changed nothing that I had been doing between Tuesday and Friday) and then on Friday they thought I was going to die.

I also really am traumatized by her presentation at birth - grey, limp, lifeless. 1 & 5 minute apgars were both 0 - the NICU team rushing in (never took her though, Thank God)..

and I am really grieving the fact that I don't remember the first time I breastfed her, the first time I really held her, none of that. I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep. I was so exhausted the entire time we were in the hospital that we didn't take, like, any pictures. I think I have 5 total from the hospital and only 1 of me and her the night she was born. :(

WhoaMomma! May 4th, 2010 11:34 AM

Re: What do you grieve?
I think the number 1 thing I struggle with is wishing I hadn't capitulated to the induction. My dd almost died. I think if I had been with anyone other than my mw there's a good chance they would have taken my uterus while I was unconscious. The whole experience was traumatic for both my DH and me. And I can't shake the belief that it would have all been avoided if I had just said NO. And it's not like I didn't know better and trusted someone blah blah blah. I knew. And yet I let them scare me into it. It just makes me so filled with regret to think about it.

Mama to 4 Monsters May 5th, 2010 11:30 AM

Re: What do you grieve?
About Noah's birth... The fact that he kept turning sideways and the nurse still had me push because she was at the end of her shift and just didn't give a crap what was going on. The pain of the doctor reaching in there to turn Noah countless times is still VERY fresh in my mind, and the whole forceps ordeal. I was so tore up and sore and that's what I think about everytime I think about Noah's delivery.

About Nicky's birth... There wasn't really anything that went horrible during the delivery, but all that day (he was born at 2:32 in the morning) I knew something was wrong with him and nobody believed me. Dh told me he didn't hear anything strange with Nicky's breathing, my mom said she didn't notice anything, the nurse basically told me I was hearing things and just having new baby worries. With everybody telling me they weren't hearing anything, I didn't push it and just let it go and the next morning when his pediatrician took him for his circumcision, she came back and told me they didn't do the circumcision and that Nicky was in the NICU because of the way he was breathing. I felt AWFUL that I KNEW something was wrong and let everyone talk me out of doing anything about it.. I felt like I failed him because I knew something was wrong and didn't stand up for him! And then with him being in the NICU and no one knowing for sure what was wrong with him, I felt like I had done something during the pregnancy that caused him to have problems.. I blamed myself for his medical conditions for a LOOOOOOONG time and still wonder if I had done something differently during pregnancy or if I just wasn't so sick during it if it would have made a difference and he wouldn't have to go through all this.

Jessfw May 6th, 2010 03:47 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
I can relate to some of the other postings. I felt soo rushed and exhausted when I had my first child and I felt like I didn't enjoy the process at all and that the hospital just wanted to kick me out as soon as possible. Luckily I live in a metro area where there are other medical centers nearby. I suggest to all my friends that they talk with area friends about where they went to have their child and what the experience was like, even if you have a great doctor, some medical centers are just awful.

NutMeg76 May 6th, 2010 04:34 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
Which time?

WIth Patrick (c-section for breech) I wish I had been more adamant when I told them I thought he was breech. What did I know? I was a 22 year old first time mom.

With Michael. I wish I had prepared better. I wish I had taken a NCB class, or even read about it. I got to the hospital at 6 cm when they admitted me. They had sent me home to walk because I was only 2, I went from 2-6 in 40 minutes and got the epidural as soon as I got there. It then took 10 hours to get complete. I couldn't push well, he was malpositioned (probably because of the AROM). It ended with a forceps delivery and vaginal reconstruction. Had I known more I think I would have had him within a few hours of getting admitted.

No real regrets with Caroleigh. Labor was about 4 hours. I delivered her naturally about an hour after arriving in the hospital.

My biggest regrets are with Evie. I transferred to a different doc because I thought he would be better, but he wasn't. I regret going into the hospital to get checked. I wasn't in labor yet. I was dilated, but not enough. I was there forever and then agreed to let him rupture my membranes at 11 am (stupid) my labor stopped. He was just a bad choice of doctors, pushing the epidural, wanting me to schedule a repeat c-section because she was a 'big baby' (she was 8 lb 4 oz at birth, my first VBAC was 9 lb 14- so she wasn't too big for me). I mostly hate that he checked my scar after she was born. That is an unsafe practice and he didn't ask me if he could. I just wish I had NEVER chosen him as my provider, it was a huge mistake!

KiwiMommy June 23rd, 2010 11:04 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
I was lurking, but I'll post..
I grieve that I didn't get ANY of the birthing experience I wanted.
The nurse spent her time rushing in, telling me to push and hurry up, making me cry my eyes out, then leaving..over and over. She also used a c-section as a threat until I told her fine, do it. (I didn't get the c-section though)
That my daughter was too big for me to get out.. She got stuck (hence why the pushing WASN'T WORKING! The nurse was full of it) and a vacuum was needed to get her out.
I didn't get to see or hold her for a bit because there was meconium in the fluid..
My mom didn't get to cut her cord like we had planned.
and I don't remember much of anything. All I remember from the first time BF'ing her was relaxing immediately. I can barely remember holding her..
and I let the nurses push me around like I had done something wrong..

ChicaChels June 27th, 2010 10:32 AM

Re: What do you grieve?
Thank you so much for sharing your stories ladies :wub:

I wish all of our next births will go exactly like we dream and it will aid in helping us heal from any birth trauma we feel :dothug:

kittyshaye July 15th, 2010 11:55 AM

Re: What do you grieve?
Not getting to hear their first cries.

That this may be our last babies because I now have a terrible mistrust of Doctors. I'd go to a midwife, but now I have had 2 c-sections and I'm not sure a midwife would do a vbac with me :(

ChicaChels July 15th, 2010 03:46 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
welcome Jenny :wub:

I know a lot of midwives will see vba2c and have great outcomes and success rates...where do you live?

*Candi* August 8th, 2010 12:29 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
I grieve that I didnt properly educate myself on getting through contractions, I totally underestimated how completely they take over your whole body if you dont know what to do.

I also grieve that I didnt get the support I needed from DH. I think I knew all along that he really didnt get how much I needed him, but I also blame myself for not forcing the birthing classes with him. I feel like if I had better support I would have been able to make it twice as long without the epi and made more progress.

ChicaChels August 10th, 2010 08:15 AM

Re: What do you grieve?

Originally Posted by *Candi* (Post 21126426)
I grieve that I didnt properly educate myself on getting through contractions, I totally underestimated how completely they take over your whole body if you dont know what to do.

I also grieve that I didnt get the support I needed from DH. I think I knew all along that he really didnt get how much I needed him, but I also blame myself for not forcing the birthing classes with him. I feel like if I had better support I would have been able to make it twice as long without the epi and made more progress.

Hi Candi, it's nice to see you here!!
I'm so sorry you feel like you didn't have the support you needed from your husband. Have you talked to him about that? Please feel free to come here and vent or discuss anything you need to. :hug:

*Candi* August 10th, 2010 02:00 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
Hi Chels! :)

I'm not sure how to approach my DH about it.... I dont want to make him feel badly because he did try to help, he just did NOT know how to help.... which is partly my fault for expecting him to know, and partly his fault for not wanting to take birthing classes.....

I dont think it ever really sank in for him that I NEEDED him.... I think he more or less felt helpless. And I did have a very long birth (I went into labour tuesday evening around 11 and didnt have hunter until thursday morning at 5am.... but I was VERY resentful of the few hours sleep he would catch.... I think I still am a bit, LOL.

If I decide to vbac, which I am leaning towards right now, I want to take birthing classes, but I want to find a way other than just that to make him see how much he could do, kwim?

ChicaChels August 10th, 2010 05:41 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
Even if you don't hope for a pain med free VBAC, I would sooooo highly recommend Bradley classes for you guys. the foundation of Bradley is that the coach (usually the husband/father) knows exactly what to expect when the mom is in labor, what positions to get her into to speed things up, what signs to watch for to avoid a c-section, etc. If nothing else, read the books!

I bet that would be really hard to bring up. I am pretty blunt with Sam and just flat out tell him how I feel (I have a lot of resentment toward him from our first week home) and I don't really care how he feels at the moment, because what I'm upset about he didn't care about me at that moment.

*Candi* August 10th, 2010 08:22 PM

Re: What do you grieve?
I do really want to do Bradley classes for the next baby, I have heard SO much about them.

I think I need to bring up the idea of a VBAC with him first, and then talk to him about how much more I will need his support ect if I have a vbac. I have been thinking also though that I may ask my BFF to be a coach... she just had an amazingly successful homebirth and I think she would be amazing. I think because I had a midwife, DH also kinda thought it was their job to be the 'cheerleader' ect. He has a funny view about a lot of things.... I think if he wouldnt have KNOWN I would have smacked him he would have asked to stay in the waiting room.... LOL

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