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-   -   Do you every have regrets? (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1369-done-after-one/2454786-do-you-every-have-regrets.html)

Jule'sMomInOR November 28th, 2011 10:30 AM

Do you every have regrets?
I think I'm done at 1. After reading some of the other posts, it looks like my reasons are completely different from others'. I had a perfectly fine pregnancy, delivery, and recovery. Financially, we have no debt and could easily afford another child. I'm 31, which is not especially young but I do have time to have another.

My reasons for not wanting another are that my DH was far from helpful during my DD's first year, despite the fact that I work full time. Our first 10 years together we never had a fight, and then when she was born we pretty much stopped having sex and felt like strangers for a while. My DD was/is a horrible sleeper and has never STTN at 16 months old. In fact, I'll be shocked if she does before she's 2. I was completely out of my element with a newborn. While I love her dearly, I mourned (and still do) my loss of freedom, and was constantly overwhelmed by the feeling that I needed to be tethered to her 24x7. Even though I work from home and have the nanny here, for the first 6 months I didn't go further than the next room and constantly stepped in because I just felt I needed to comfort her when she cried. I was trying to do two jobs at the same time. I was/am lucky enough to work from home but I can't count on getting to do that in the future. I'm fairly sure I would have had terrible PPD if I would have had to work outside of the home, or be a SAHM. Even though my DD is a lot more fun and I'm more relaxed now, she's still a ton of work and I can't imagine adding any more to our plates. Finally, I like the idea of having plenty of time to devote to her and hate the thought of having to neglect her (even slightly) to take care of a newborn.

I think I'll be totally fine with only one child for the next 10 years or so, but when I think about the future when I'm old enough to be a grandma, and later when I'm in a nursing home, that's when I wonder about regrets. I'd hate to rot alone in a nursing home because my one daughter lives far away and can't visit me very often. Plus, what if she decides not to have any kids? This is really my old concern with being done at one, but it's not enough to persuade me to go through the living **** that was the first year of my daughter's life again.

Any thoughts?

Miguels mommy November 28th, 2011 12:59 PM

Re: Do you every have regrets?
That tethered grows in length with her. I would say the first 3 year with a child you may morn the loss of freedom but soon enough she'll want to go to friends houses, camp things like that and you guys will be "yourself" more. As an adult you have to relies none of the elderly "issues" fall on her in our culture.

Raise her with an (or more) adopt-a-grandparent so she has compassion for the elderly. If she's a big part of her grandparents life, even when they are not well, will help. Volunteer with her delivering meals on wheels. Make being around elderly a part of regular life. You take care of your needs for aging care while you still can. Find a place that you wouldn't mind being on your own for long amounts of time. Treat her friends like your child, because it's likely they'll visit also. I know several people that do not have visitors as they get older because they weren't the nicest to be around o r the people around them are scared (lack of a better word) of older people. All you can do is raise her and hope but whether you have 1 or 25 children the outcome may be the same. As for grand-children if I don't have any I can "adopt" my nieces and nephews children or find a way to fulfill that need later.

Also if I do regret it we can always think about adopting.

youngwoman November 29th, 2011 12:52 PM

Re: Do you every have regrets?

Originally Posted by Jule'sMomInOR (Post 25250797)
II was completely out of my element with a newborn.

Oh hon, I feel you! I have come to realize that I am a kid person, not a baby person. LOL I love my daughter dearly and with all my heart, though I admit that things got so much more fun when she was closer to one year old, mobile, babbling, etc. And even more so when she turned 2, then 3, etc. As she's progressed through each stage of her life, I've enjoyed myself more and have enjoyed watching her develop her personality. Some women want to keep their children as little babies forever, but I cannot relate! I love when they start talking and communicating and really becoming little people. My DH & I have no desire to start over and go through that first year again.

As for when you're older, well, whether you have one child or five or ten, you won't be able to control whether or not they give you grandchildren or live close by. Hopefully, you'll have a great enough relationship that if/when the time came that you needed extra care, your DD would be there for you. I wouldn't have a second child if that's the *only* reason, ya know?

Many hugs and good luck in making your decision.

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