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-   -   So torn, how do you know? (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f124-done-having-children/2089983-so-torn-how-do-you-know.html)

mommy2mygirls August 31st, 2010 03:06 PM

So torn, how do you know?
I lurk here every now and then, trying to make up my mind on what to do. I'm hoping someone may be able to help me out here.

I remember when I was pregnant with my son that I was completely miserable and I swore I would never want to do it again. I even told DH to record me saying that so he could play it back to me when I got the crazy idea that I wanted a 4th. My Dh is DONE. He does NOT want any more. He keeps asking me for the final approval to get the big "V", but I just can't do it for some reason. He had surgery on his finger earlier this year, so we've already met our deductible on him for 2010. If we're going to do it, we need to get it done in the next few months because our insurance is horrible. But I just can't say "okay."

I don't know why I want another. I even tried writing a list of why we should and why we shouldn't have another and I couldn't come up with any great reasons why we should, but there was a whole list of why we shouldn't, not the least of which are for financial reasons, needing a bigger house, my patience is already stretched with the three we have. Has anyone else ever felt this way? How did you finally come to the decision to be done? I think a lot of my problem is more giving up this stage of my life than necessarily wanting another child.

There are times, like today when we were walking out of the zoo and heard this Hawaiian music playing. It made me really want to take the kids to Hawaii, but I know we need to wait until they're older and if we have another one, that would just postpone it more - not to mention adding the cost of one more. At that time I had this moment of clarity and I almost turned to my husband and said go ahead and make the appointment, I'm done. I've had many other moments like this too. But I just can't bring myself to say it.

I look at newborns and part of me misses they way they snuggle up on your chest and all the cute faces they make, their milestones, etc. But then the other part of me really doesn't want to go through that stage of no sleeping, constant feeding, etc. again.

I could go on and on, but I think I'll stop now, lol. I would appreciate any experiences, advice, words of wisdom, whatever I can get to help me decide what to do.


Amaranth Dhanya September 1st, 2010 12:46 PM

Re: So torn, how do you know?
Honestly, I just knew my family was complete.

When I was pregnant with my third child I just knew. That entire pregnancy was a final farewell to that part of my life. I wasnt as overly enthused about it, just wanted it done, just wanted to get on with raising them and not just having them.

Internally there was this voice(if you will)that said our family is complete and I knew it was true. Have had no regrets getting my tubes tied and have never looked back and wondered what if or anything like that.

mommy2mygirls September 2nd, 2010 07:49 AM

Re: So torn, how do you know?
That's what I've heard from most people, is that they just knew. I gues that's what's throwing me off because I don't feel that way so what does that mean? I don't have baby fever or anything either though. Ugh. I wish someone would just tell me what to do, but I have to make this decision for myself, I know. I was thinking about getting an IUD, that way if I ever changed my mind I could just have it romoved. But by the end of the five or ten years, I would know if I wanted one or not and could do something permament then. But my dh doesn't trust IUDs, he said he's heard of women who have gotten pregnant on them, so he won't use that as a reliable bc method. We're both nervous of me going on the pill, or really any hormonal bc because it messes with me so much. Now I'm on the minipill and haven't had any side effects from it, but I still haven't had AF either due to nursing. I've been slowly weaning though, so I expect to see her soon which is part of the reason for the sudden urgency in deciding.

Amaranth Dhanya September 2nd, 2010 08:29 AM

Re: So torn, how do you know?
Ya I know many who went the IUD route because they couldnt say for sure they were done. I also know a few who did get preggers on it but I dont think thats a high percentage.

Its a hard decision. We could tell ya what to do but then you'd really never be comfortable with it LOL.

I guess maybe a good thing to do is list the pros and cons and include your hubbys feelings in it all. I did that mentally because even tho I knew our family was complete I wanted to make sure I had all my "what ifs" nailed down(kwim?)

Some of my things were my age and my husbands age(we were both in the advanced age group), our ability to handle the children we had now vs adding to that, would we be having a fourth just to please someone else, did I really want to go through pregnancy again, would any needs I felt really be satisfied by having another, can we afford a fourth or would that be pushing us over the limit on many fronts, how does my spouse feel about having a fourth and am I willing to fight him on it vs learning to adjust.

Maybe that will help if you do a list. You can see it written out...some people work better solving issues being able to see it.

Good Luck!

Nickswife2004 September 8th, 2010 06:23 PM

Re: So torn, how do you know?
I think you'll really just know. I was 99% sure I was done after my second...but Dh wanted more, and I ended up pregnant. This is definitely our last, and DH is getting a Vasectomy soon after the baby is born. I've had a miserable pregnancy and wanted it to be over since I got pregnant. It's felt like FOREVER to me, and I'm sooo ready to get back to normal and raise my kids. I know for myself, I don't feel like I'm a very good mom when pregnant (I have depression issues during all 3 of my pregnancies) and need to be there for my girls. My husband really wanted a son, but we're having another girl. We've come to terms with it, and ready to be done!

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