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Not feeling connected to the baby - please help!

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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May 15th, 2009, 10:17 PM
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1
I'm 15 weeks pregnant this week and feeling awful. This wasn't a planned pregnancy and the circumstances around it are not very positive. My family has basically disowned me (my mother told me I am a screw up and should have an abortion) the baby's father doesn't want it and so I feel so alone. Just navigating through the Medicaid process and everything alone is so overwhelming.

Just when things were getting a little bit better, I go out to start my car today and think my starter is dead. I feel so helpless as I don't know where I will get the money together to pay for it.

I feel like I have made a huge mistake. People always say there is so much support out there for single mothers, but as one I can say I have never felt more alone. I went to a pregnancy center, they do offer a free ultrasound and pre-natal vitamins, but not much else. They told me to start calling charties for help. I don't know if anyone here has ever tried that, but it sure didn't work for me. I was laughed at by some and basically turned away. Oh, I was also turned away from an adoption agency (that is a long story). Not exactly like all of the touchy feely movies we see about adoption.

I read about all of these women who are journaling and so joyful at each little stage of their pregnancy. I have just been stressed and cry almost every day. I don't feel connected to the baby and am so scared I am ruining it's life and am going to be a terrible mother. Some days (like today) I feel like I should just give up and give the baby up for adoption. I don't know how I would live with myself afterwords, but I also feel like such a horrible person for regretting being pregnant and not feeling happy about the baby.

If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, I would be so grateful.
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May 16th, 2009, 12:28 PM
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1
Hi. You pulled me out of lurking to reply to this, because I was there too for some of while I was pregnant. The father wanted nothing to do with the baby, and tried to force me to abort. My family was emotionally supportive, but too poor to help out and 1000 miles away. The doctor found some medical problems and wouldn't let me work or return to school while I was pregnant, so I ended up dead broke and on and off bedrest. The nightmare of applying for all the programs I needed to be on in order to keep myself alive was miserable. To make things worse she told me I was probably going to have the baby so early she might not survive. I had a really hard time feeling connected to the baby, and didn't even pick out a name for her until she hit around 30 weeks. Looking back, I can't imagine how it could have been otherwise, but at the time I thought that would make me a horrible mother and that I was failing my daughter somehow. For me, the connection came, slowly, once I got into the third trimester and could feel her moving and it really sunk in that I was going to have a baby. My story has a happy ending: My friends pulled together and helped me where my family couldn't, my daughter made it to full term and came out perfectly fine a little over a month ago, and any and all doubts I had went away the second I saw her born. I can tell you that for me, without a doubt, ever bit of struggle and misery was worth it.

I know it's hard to connect right now, but you have quite a bit of being pregnant left, and you should cut yourself some slack. You're already doing an amazing, brave thing as a mother by doing your best to bring him or her into this world no matter how difficult the timing is for you. I'd take that as a better indicator of what sort of parent you'll be than whether or not you have any energy left to feel happy about being pregnant after all your going through. I know everybody's different, but I bet you'll feel much better about it once you're further along and have some of this misery behind you. (It WILL happen, no matter how it feels, the hard times don't last forever).

A few suggestions for the other problems: When the medicaid is done and you can see a doctor, ask them to give you a referral for the WIC program. Even if you don't need the food, the people there can get you a list of possibly more appropriate resources than the ones you've already tried. You might also want to try googling a group called 'freecycle'. If they exist in your area, you might find people who can give you hand me downs for most of the basic baby stuff. Also, you might want to try posting something about needing basic baby gear on Craigslist or something, there are probably people ready and willing to hand that sort of stuff out. (I know that I would where I live, I have about 3 times the newborn clothing that I need, thanks to my other friends with young children!).

Good luck, and I hope you start feeling better soon!
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May 16th, 2009, 03:21 PM
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Greenbrier Tn
Posts: 314
Send a message via Yahoo to rjurnee
Where are you located. I am not in a huge position to help but anything will do right now. I am 9 weeks preg. This is my third. Cried my eyes out when I heard what you were going through. I would love to be here for you. I have things from my other pregs. I will gladly send you. I also would suggest something like yahoo online they have groups like freecycle. It is free things you can go pick up they range from clothes to pets. I am sure there is something there for you. Please you can personally respond to me and I will keep in touch with you. I will do all that I can. No one should ever do this alone.
[/IMG] Thank you Heather for my most wonderful siggy.

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May 16th, 2009, 10:30 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
Hi. I have been a single mom for 14 years and have 3 incredible young men in my life that I would not trade for anything in the world. I left my ex husband when my youngest was a few months old and never looked back. It has been a struggle at times with money and bills and everything.

Somehow I made it through their younger years, I found support in my friends. People gave me clothes, I worked 2 jobs at times.... Somehow we made it. If I had to do it all over again I sure would! The joy they give me is worth more than any amount of money ever.

I know it is stressful, I have been where you are. I am sad for you and hope that all is ok.

Keep us updated.

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
Do not ever give up hope...

Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.

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May 17th, 2009, 09:59 PM
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 28
please don't feel guilty for what you are feeling. Pregnancy is hard under the best of circumstances.
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May 18th, 2009, 04:38 PM
JT_Mama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,978
I agree with what everyone wrote. However, if you feel adoption is something you would like to consider, don't feel like you are a horrible person because of it. It sounds like you had a bad experience, but YOU should be the one interviewing agencies, not the other way around. Placing a baby for adoption is one of the most selfless things a person can do. I used to be a birthparent counselor and was amazed at the strength of these women, and had the greatest respect and admiration for them.

That being said, I am also facing an unplanned pregnancy, so I know it can be scary. I hope that, once you are more connected to the services available to you, you will feel more confident about the pregnancy and your ability to give your baby a good life. My mom raised four of us on a very small income. We struggled, but I think I am a better person for it. I wish you the best, whatever decision you make! If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.
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May 23rd, 2009, 05:15 PM
Conners Mommie +2's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Easley, SC
Posts: 9,302
i COMPLETELY agree with TC_MD! Adoption is nothing to feel guilty about....it's completely selfless! if you feel like you can't give the baby the life it deserves, there are millions of people that can't have children and would love the opportunity to give your baby a life. there's open adoption also if you wanted to see the baby occasionally, you could do that too!
If you want to keep your baby, that bond will be formed when you see his/her beautiful face for the first time!!! you're just in a bad place in your life, so it seems like the baby is a bad thing also! i'll be praying for you! please KUP on how you're doing!!!!!!

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June 22nd, 2009, 12:57 PM
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 14
Hey there. First, let me say you are a brave and strong woman to face what you are facing alone. Second, you will find nothing but support and advice from the ladies on this site. I know because I have reached out to them and the feedback I have received has gotten me through some of the darker moments of this unplanned pregnancy.

I just recently discovered I was pregnant a week ago. Not a whole lot of time in the long run, but is it me or when you get this news, time seems to stop and a week feels like 10 months. Cause it's been a looong week.

My fam and closest friends are 1500 miles away. I wasn't sure that I had the support of the father. Basically, along with a HUGE decision, needed to face some facts on my own. I know that desperation, that feeling of defeat, the unrest you feel when you think you can't do it. But you can. And you need to reach out to EVERY resource you can find or get directed too. No matter what route you take. I am so sorry to hear the adoption agency was as horrid as they were. And yes, applying for all of these programs is soo overwhelming especially with the emotions we experience everyday.

Freecycle has been mentioned. I have also come across nuturingnetwork. They are available for support, references to resources (including adoption), work/school info, nuturing homes....they truly want to help. Also, crisis pregnancy centers were mentioned to me...they can offer counseling, support, some have maternity homes (based on your age and need) and provide clothing diapers, etc.

this is just a start. Google whatever you can find, too, for resources and follow up on them. It is a lot of work, but when your baby comes, no matter what option you choose for him/her, it will be worth it because everything will be in place. And keep coming back to this website.....there are a lot of strong women here ready to help in a heartbeat. It's been my saving grace.

Best of luck and all my prayers.
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July 23rd, 2009, 06:53 PM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1
I am so sorry for all you are going through. My heart truly goes out to you. It has to be so hard to be going through this especially alone. You are probably so overwhelmed you don't know what to feel. Take your time and do some research on keeping your baby and on adoption. There are plenty of forums out there for advice and information. Only you will know what is best for you and your little one. Follow your heart. You will be in my prayers. If you need a friend or someone to listen you can pm me.
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July 23rd, 2009, 08:58 PM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3
For some women the connection comes fast and for some it comes slow. With my daughter I was 19 and I felt the connection almost immediately but with my son who is 5 months old I didn't feel nearly as connected to him in utero but I feel so much more connected to him as a newborn than I did with my daughter. Does that make sense? Hormones go crazy when you are pregnant. Stick in there and yeah people are always willing to help donate clothes and supplies for the baby. I cloth diaper and that saves a ton of money. This is a life changing event for the better. YOu will be a great mom because you already care about that little baby. If you didn't care about the baby you wouldn't even worry about anything except how your life would be awful and how YOU would have to give stuff up but you are just worried about giving the baby a good life and that shows a connection already. Make sure and apply for medicaid and WIC. They are very helpful. If you qualify for medicaid you automatically qualify for WIC so that makes the process simpler. Also apply for food stamps. These things are just to get you on your feet and going and then once things turn around...and they will you won't need these things anymore.
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July 23rd, 2009, 10:27 PM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 132
Hi I have a 3 year old boy who was unplanned...the dad wanted nothing to do with him. I also had to go through medicaid, food stamps, WIC. My parents were NOT happy but honestly the closer it got to his due date, the better they got. Now they say they can't imagine not having him in their lives. It is honestly amazing how looking at a sweet little baby will melt their hearts. I can honestly say he is the BEST thing in my life, I can't imagine my world without him and even though its just him and me I feel like we are even closer because of that. Just trust yourself and KNOW that whatever decision you make is the best one. If you decide to keep your baby you will definitley feel a connection, it may just happen a little later than other women. Someone told me once that bad mothers don't worry about whether they are bad mothers and here you are at 15 weeks already concerned about their welfare. I don't know what your beliefs are but I truly believe we choose our parents before we come here, for what we need to learn and for what they need to learn. Your baby chose you. Good luck with everything, I know there are a lot of churches that are willing to help!! Where are you located? Maybe I could help you find some resources!!
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July 26th, 2009, 12:30 PM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1
I wanted to throw my 2 cents in as well. I found myself facing an unplanned pregnancy but it wasn't my pregnancy, it was my sisters. I noticed she was getting...bigger...and bigger, but everytime I asked her about it, she just told me she was getting fat. Finally, it got to the point where there was NO denying her stomach was a real baby, not a food baby. I took over a pregnancy test (Hubby and I have tried for YEARS to have another child so I have test on hand at all times) and made her take it. Sure enough, it was positive. The sad thing is, she is literally like 6 months along and has had NO prenatal care. I offered to adopt the baby but she insist she is going to TRY and raise it. She was a party girl, no father in the picture, no insurance. She is in the process now of doing Medicade and WIC. She went to our local women's center and has an appointment for a free sonogram in a few weeks so we can at least she what the gender is and if it's healthy. She lives with her grandma, only has her bedroom to use for the nursery. But the point of this long ramble was you are not alone. So many woman find themself in the same situation. The fact that you found out early, are getting prenatal care is wonderful. If you do consider adoption, that is nothing to feel guilty about! That would be you making the ultimate sacrafice so your baby could have the best possible life. These boards are a wonderful place. So many woman here will take you under their wing and give you that emotional boost you need. Please keep us posted and let us know if we can do anything to help!
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