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Is there anyone out there that has felt the way I do?

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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March 1st, 2006, 12:59 AM
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3
I just recently found out that I am pregnant and I'm not particularly thrilled about it. I decided I didn't want any children long ago and I still feel the same way but, after having two abortions already I feel that God itself is forcing this baby crap on my whether I like it or not so, I have made the decsision to keep the baby even thought I REALLY do NOT want to have a child and that has never been a part of my life plan.
I think I should elaborate on the abortions thing so you can understand the situation, the first one was when I was 14 and pregnant by a guy I hardly knew and the second was stupidly thinking the "pull out method" actually worked (the second time pregnant by my husband now before we were married). I found out later that I have PCOS so, I may have misscarried those anyways since the condition was untreated at the time. Before I got pregnant the first time, I believed that abortion was WRONG and I think I still do.
This time, I feel victimized because I have been on several methods of birth control but they ALL made me VERY ill in one way or another so my husband and I were using condoms but, his stupid ***** decided one night not to put one on and I didn't even realize it! The idiot actually said "you just got off your period" (as if he knows [email protected]#$! about that stuff!). I literally wanted to KILL him when I found out I was in fact pregnant.
Although I am hoping my many negative viewpoints on "breeding" will be entireley dimmished either during this pregnancy or after delivery, I am worried that I will continue to not want a child and not want to be anyone's Mother. Is there anyone out there that has gone through this? Did you change your mind?
Since I am married people are always asking me that stupid and (I feel) rude question "when are you two gonna have kids?" And they always seem so shocked when I say I don't want them EVER. Some of these same people (whom I sometimes hardly know) sit there and tell me "Oh, you'd be so good" or "Oh, your husband, blah blah blah" and I totally want to vomit.

Thank you for taking the time to read this I really apprechiate your advise.
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March 1st, 2006, 04:08 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this. I personally cannot relate. At one point when I was younger, I didn't want kids. However, I had changed my mind by the time that I got pregnant with my son. The only thing I was wondering is if you thought about giving this baby up for adoption. I am not pushing that on you, but maybe you should think about it if you still do not want him/her when you get closer to your due date. Its always an option. You may change your mind about wanting the baby. And, you may not. No one can predict that. Personally, I fell in love with my son the first time I heard his heartbeat. Who knows? Maybe you will too. I hope you figure it all out though. I know how hard and confusing pregnancy can be. Good Luck.
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March 1st, 2006, 05:19 AM
Pharry's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Posts: 1,824
I honestly can't relate to that but I do know that people react diffrently to wanting kids. However I agree with the previous post, if the feeling does not come then put the baby up for adoption cause I think that the best environment for a child to grow in is somewhere where they are wanted. Think about it, and don't be selfish, do the right thing for everyone involved i.e your baby, your husband and yourself. Hope it will work out.
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March 1st, 2006, 05:58 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 13,011
I'm sorry that you're feeling vicitmized. I can relate a tad, not about not wanting kids, but just about it happening when you're just not quite ready. I couldn't be more thrilled about my pregnancy now, but there was a time where I was a little resentful about it.
Have you talked to your hubby about this yet? If so what are his thoughts? Is wanting children? If you both mutually agree that children isn't something you want in life, then I'd say make an apointment to meet with an adoption agency. There's no commitment to just go and talk to them and see what it's all about. It couldn't hurt. It may actually help you sort out some of your feelings and then you'll be better able to make this kind of decision.
If by chance you do decide to give the baby, or even keep the baby but know for sure you do not want any other children, my best suggestion to you is to go get your tubes tied or his tied...Think about it, no more condoms, no more bad side effects from all the other b/c out there...Real, care free sex with your hubby!!! Woohoo!!! And it'll definately solve the problem of him "forgetting" to put the condom on...I say just for doing that, he should be the one to go get snipped!!! hehe
Good luck sweetie! No matter what you decide, know that it's your decision! Think about it, talk it over and no matter what conclusion there is, you're not a bad person. This is your life!
What you may also want to do, is talk to a counsellor or someone of the sort to help sort out your feelings as well. These aren't easy times, and an extra person to talk to is never a bad thing! Good luck!! and big hugs!
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March 1st, 2006, 07:10 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: San Angelo, Texas
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I didn't think I ever wanted kids when I was in high school, but now I do. But, kinda of like Brigitte, I didn't really want one this early. I was still in my "party mode" stage, going to concerts with my fiance, things like that, and now all of that will be changed. But I don't want to resent my child since it was mine and my fiance's fault not it's fault. But I do agree with the previous posts: if after you have the baby you don't feel like you could ever love or care about it, I would definitely consider adoption. There are a lot of people out there that cannot conceive and would love to have a child. Of course, I'm not trying to force that upon you just saying you have options. Good luck with whatever decision you make and keep us posted.
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March 1st, 2006, 08:47 AM
Posts: n/a
Have you thought about adoption? I would strongly concider it if I were you... there are some people out there sho would LOVE to have your baby since they can't get pregnant.
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March 1st, 2006, 10:24 AM
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Oklahoma
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I'm sorry to say that I feel the same way as Ella. Definitely look into adoption if you think that you aren't going to love that child as they should be loved. I had a baby at 18...and had told myself that I never wanted kids...babysitting drove me nuts. But it only took a couple of months of pregnancy with my daughter to realize I was enjoying it. She was a cranky fussy pain in the rump baby...and she's 14 now, so she still is a pain, but I love her to death. She is everything. I now have 5 kids total. I can't believe it, but I do. I love all of them.

Maybe your mind will change and you will see that you can do this. Or better yet, you WANT to do this. If not, please consider adoption because there are so many out there that would love to have a baby and can't.

How old are you? I don't know if I read that anywhere.

Good luck in your decision!

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March 1st, 2006, 11:04 AM
jennyn's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SLC, Utah
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you mentioned that you felt as if this was God's will that you be pregnant- so pray. but make sure you know exactly what God had in mind before you decide to keep a baby you don't want. i honestly believe that some women get pregnant just so they can give babies to women who want them. good luck.
Jenny (22), mama to Zoe (3.5) and Selene (5 mo), and fiancee to Dale (22)!
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March 1st, 2006, 12:18 PM
bluebutterfly's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 16,390
I can somewhat relate. I didn't think I ever wanted kids either. And the more tantrums I saw thrown in stores and restaurants and babies that just wouldn't quit crying made me believe more and more that I didn't. I just never thought I could handle that, or would ever want to. It drove me nuts to be around it for a few seconds never mind a life time. But then I got pregnant. And in the beginning I felt the same was as I had before, I wasn't sure if it was what I really wanted. Especially at 21. I don't believe in abortion and know that I could never ever have one, but I will admit that thoughts did enter my mind on how much easier my life would be if I did believe in it. I never thought of adoption. It just never entered my mind. I knew that I was going to keep this baby even though at the time I didn't know how I felt about it. It wasn't until I heard my baby's heart beat for this first time that it really sunk in I have this little tiny human being inside me. Someone who didn't ask to be brought into this world, but that depends entirely on me. And then when I had my first ultrasound I completely fell in love with that little person I saw on the screen. My entire view changed on how I felt about babies. And even though I wasn't really ready to be a mother and it wasn't something I had planned I knew that I wanted to be one. And now I just have over 5 weeks left and I couldn't be more excited to meet my little girl or boy.

I'm not saying that you're mind will change like mine did. It might and it might not. But I do agree with what the other ladies said. If you don't want this baby then I think adoption would be the best option. A child shouldn't have to grow up in a family, especially with a mother, who doesn't want it and basically resents it's existence. It's not fair to the child. Give it a chance to have what you don't or can't give it. A chance with a loving family who feel blessed to have it in their lives each and every day.

Thank you tasha_mae for the awesome siggy!

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March 1st, 2006, 12:26 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: vermont
Posts: 3,705
im sorry you feel this way. i have always wanted kids ever since i was little i always wanted a big family, but i think the way you feel now will change when he or she come's into the world you won't want to but it back.
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March 3rd, 2006, 02:00 PM
rhill4455's Avatar Mom to 3 girls and a boy!
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I can relate to the way your feeling. I gowing up never wanted kids. nor did I want them when I found out I was pregnant with my first. Don't get me wrong. I love children. I love other peoples children. I think my childhood led me to feeling this way. When I was 8 my dad kidnapped my brother and I from our mother during a horible divorce. Thankfully she got us back. Due to their horible divorce and the whole kiddnapping thing it led me to never want to get married let alone have kids. The worry, the fear, I just didn't want to be a parent. I wanted to focus my life on my career. Well when I found out I was pregnant with my first child I cried for days on end. I did a ton of research. Abortion was instantly out of the question. I don't see abortion as a type of birth control. It was my bf and I's fault for not using protection not this childs so it just would not be right to kill this child. I looked into adoption. I talked to many people about it. I read countless of profiles of couples looking to adopt. In the end the only option I could come up with was to keep the child. I didn't think I would be able to live my life knowing someone else was raising my child. Now here I am with a 3 year old and a one year old and desperatly trying to convince DH that we need to try for #3. I can't imagine my life with out them. They are the joy of my life. I have never regreated my decision. I always focused on the hard/bad parts of raing a child and never even thought about the good in it. In reality the good out weigh the bad and make it all worth it. Yes there are times it happens that some one who never wanted kids could learn to love having kids. Now everyone tells me this is what I was put on this earth to do. A part of me agrees. I am a stay at home mom and loving every moment of it. I do agree with all the other ladies and you need to take the time to consider all the options. Good luck with your choice. Sorry this was so long.

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March 3rd, 2006, 11:43 PM
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 3
Thank you for sharing! I really needed some reassurance from someone that once felt the way I do. I don't know anyone else who can understand my feelings. I could never let another family raise my child. I grew up without a Father almost entireley and he has recently reentered my life, along with several family members I had no idea existed. He's a nice guy and all but, they were young (high school one night stand) an he is just now getting his life together (with a little help from his eldest daughter) He's got three other kids from his ex wife and I know that he loves them but, he told me he never wanted children either (he had them for his wife) and he just doesn't do a good enough job in my eyes (ie being with them etc), I wouldn't want to do that to my child. Everyone I know will embrace this child (especially my husband) but, I just worry that I will have to force myself to do the same.
My Mother almost gave me up for adoption but, she was watching Saturday morning cartoons and changed her mind. Maybe I'll have a moment like that... I find myself feeling better about it as the days go by and the reality of my desision sinking in.

Thank you to the rest of the ladies that replied to my posting too!

I'm 25 years old.
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March 4th, 2006, 12:42 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,217
I can kind of relate. For a while I did not want kids at all. Then I figured I would want them some day. Well soem day came a little early. I was on the pill and it did not work. I wasnt really thrilled about having a child either and then as my pregnancy progressed my views changed. I love my son with all my heart and cant imagine havign aborted him. I also have a lot of strong views on breeding and for the most part they have not changed. I for one am for abortion although for me personally I could not have one. But more then abortion I am for sterilization. Pm me if you want to talk.

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