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Fiance doesn't want baby, but would fight for custody?

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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September 22nd, 2009, 11:09 AM
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 5
I am eight weeks pregnant today. My fiance and I have had a rough relationship for about 3.5 years. This pregnancy is probably going to drive us apart. Even knowing that, I have expressed to him that if he desires it, I would not keep him from being an active father with our child.

Today, though, he brought up the fact that he should have equal custody, if not sole custody, and that he would go to court for it if we end up breaking up. (I think after he said this our break is inevitable.)

First, his job as a radio host is iffy at best -- he makes about $1200 per month right now and can barely afford to take care of himself. I on the other hand have a steady full-time job making $50K per year and have good medical insurance. I also have the option of working at home a day or two per week with a baby.

Second, he does not even want the baby and has asked me about giving it up for adoption. I think the only reason he doesn't suggest abortion is b/c his parents are Catholic and don't believe in that.

Third, he lives about 7 hours from where I am right now. Originally the plan was for me to move there next year and get married to him, but now with an infant due in May I would like to stay in my hometown, closer to my parents and my girlfriends who have kids, so that I will have the support I need. Up there, I know no one and would feel very isolated and alone.

I am just so appalled and angry that he would insist on joint custody or insinuate he would fight me in court over these things, when all along I have expressed no desire to fight over visitation. I have even told him that because of his financial difficulties, I wouldn't mandate he pay child support!

A friend has told me that I would have to be on drugs, homeless or a criminal for a court to take my baby away from me and give it to him, but nonetheless I am so angry and frustrated about what he has said! Why would a man who claims to love me say things like that?

I suppose I am just venting, but I am worried about this stress, and the potential financial problems it could cause should I have to hire an attorney to go to court. I wasn't planning on any of this being sticky -- I have seen the effects of brutal custody battles with my sister and her ex, and I don't want to do that to my child or myself.
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September 22nd, 2009, 11:24 AM
Urchin's Avatar Loving every minute.
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlantic Canada
Posts: 8,323
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this This guy sounds like a real jerk. He only seems to want to have full custody to cause you more stress and pain...which is horrible! I really hope that you don't give this guy another chance...he sounds horrible from where I stand.

I think what you need to do, is what is right for YOU. He seems to have little regard for your (or the baby's) happiness.

Best wishes. I hope things get better for you. No one deserves such stress!
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September 22nd, 2009, 11:27 AM
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Urchin View Post
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this This guy sounds like a real jerk. He only seems to want to have full custody to cause you more stress and pain...which is horrible! I really hope that you don't give this guy another chance...he sounds horrible from where I stand.

I think what you need to do, is what is right for YOU. He seems to have little regard for your (or the baby's) happiness.

Best wishes. I hope things get better for you. No one deserves such stress!
Thank you. I just don't understand. Most of our issues stem from both of us being pretty hardheaded, opinionated people, and he is a bit more immature than me. With very few exceptions, he has not been a huge "jerk" or anything. One of his flaws is probably that he always tries to be "above board" about everything and honest! So I don't understand where this side of him is coming from all of a sudden, and why he would make what I view as threats when he doesn't even want the baby!
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September 22nd, 2009, 11:34 AM
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You aren't married. He doesn't even have to be on the birth certificate. Which means he'd have to come up with 1) money for an attorney and 2) money for a paternity test.

Could he do that?

If not, I wouldn't be too worried yet. A court wouldn't make a mother give her tiny baby up (even for long visits), but once the baby's a bit older, they certainly would (for visits; but only after paternity is established by the father or you initiating a DNA test). Your friend is right-he'd have to PROVE to a court that you are unfit to get sole custody. You-as the unmarried mother-have what is called "natural custody" at the birth of the child. That can only change if you're taken to court.
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September 22nd, 2009, 11:47 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,976
I'm just lurking here, but saw your post and just wanted to throw my 2 cents out there. You said he doesn't want the baby, wants to give it up for adoption, etc. I think this custody thing is just one more idea that he came up with in order to scare you into giving up the baby or not going through with it.

I would do what you ultimately feel is the right thing. You've got quite awhile before custody even comes up and he might change his mind. I would definitely not move closer to him; you'll need the support of friends and family during the pregnancy and beyond.

Good luck with everything!
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September 22nd, 2009, 12:04 PM
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 5
Thank you all very much for the kind words. I am obviously hormonal and overly sensitive to everything. I feel strongly about having the baby -- obviously I have a good job and a support system that I can be responsible and go through with this.

I guess this is why they always tell women if you can't see a man as the father of your children, don't waste your time!

I think some of you may be right -- he may just be acting out or trying to scare me into not keeping the baby, but I have made my decision. I think I am just going to tell him that later on, and he can either accept it or not. And if he continues acting out or causing me stress, I will just stop speaking with him. Thank you again for listening.
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September 23rd, 2009, 03:20 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Had to jump in .......what a blathering IDIOT ...... Kick his ***.......

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going to where no one dares
on the way Iíll cross the line forevermore \m/ "

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September 23rd, 2009, 05:20 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
My ex-husband took me to court for custody of the boys about 11 years ago. He made 3 times as much money as I did, was more stable as far as a home and a new relationship ect...

I still ended up keeping full custody. The judge saw right through his intimidation act.

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September 24th, 2009, 07:18 AM
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 5
Thank you. A lot of people both here and in my daily life have explained that courts rarely take children away from their mother; only in extreme cases.

He has since explained that he doesn't mean to frighten or upset me -- he "chose poor wording." He says that he just doesn't want to be a dad who only sees his kids one or two weekends per month and then is nonexistant the rest of their lives.

I told him I am open to him visiting with them as often as is possible -- the challenge will be with him living seven hours from me now, and then who knows where his job may take him? I am very hesitant to move away from my hometown where my mom and good girl friends are, because I know I will need their support.
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September 26th, 2009, 05:46 PM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: PA
Posts: 39,401
sorry you are going thru this. I agree with the girl that said you don't have to list him as the father on the birth certificate.

Good Luck and best wishes

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October 3rd, 2009, 02:39 PM
flitabout's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Pipestone, Minnesota
Posts: 6,500
At this point he has no rights. As long as you don't marry him he can't touch you or the baby for quite awhile. Let him know that if he fights for custody, not only will he most likely lose but, he will then be forced to pay child support for the next 18 years or until the child has graduated.
Give him the choice of being a loving father in his child's life (on your terms) or a sperm donor that pays child support.
Him trying to get custody and take the baby from you is not a well thought out plan. Child care, doctors appointments, sleepless nights, diaper, spit up and that is if the baby never gets even a cold!
If he keeps this up and gets really serious, you cannot have him near the hospital when the baby is born or until you are discharged. In Ohio and I am sure it isn't only place, that CSEA (Child support enforcement agency) visits every single mom.
While you are feeling all soft and lovey after the baby is born, you might get weak and let him fill out the paternity affidavit. Then he won't even have to get the attorney to prove paternity. Just keep it in mind.
Just remember he wants to be an active parent (maybe) but what he is saying is that his rights matter more than yours. But that just isn't true
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November 5th, 2009, 10:32 PM
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 123
Just thought I'd throw my 2 cents in... It seems as though you are letting him get away with being a jerk. Dont put up with it. The sooner you stand your ground and tell him what IS going to happen whether he likes it or not the more likely he will come around. He probably knows that saying he will fight for custody will scare you and that is why he's saying it. He needs to grow up. Dont even let him get the idea in his head that he is running the show. This baby is in YOUR body and while it is his also, legally he has no leg to stand on unless you are an unfit mother. Id just say " Im having this baby, Im keeping it, you can either be with me and support me and this baby or not, those are your two options". Im sorry I dont mean to offend you if I do but I just think your fiance sounds a little immature. I wish you the best of luck!
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November 6th, 2009, 08:51 PM
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hugs. I hope everything turns out well
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December 3rd, 2009, 10:58 PM
Posts: n/a
If you are ok with him being in your life and your childs life there is a very easy solution to all of this.You'll have to check your states laws but you can do one of two things if he really wants to have paperwork saying that he has visitation.
Option 1,If it's legal where you live you can draw up a "handwritten" statement saying that he has visitation rights to the child.You'll both have to agree to the appointed times and dates,figure out how you'll work holidays out,that he has the right to seek medical help for the child,if either of you can take the child out of the state with or whitout written consent from the other,Ect.
After you've both agreed take it and have it noterized.Court houses will normally do it for a small fee and alot of banks will do it for free if you're a member.Keep a copy for yourself,give him a copy,and according to your state put it on file with the court system or put one in a bank valut.

Option 2,contact a lawyer and as long as you are both in agreement to each other tearms have the lawyer draw it up and file it.If you do this...make him pay child support.It won't be that expencive if you both are in agrement and you'll have no need to go to court.

Other than that I would consult a lawyer.It never hurts to know the laws and be able to make informed desisions. Best of luck to you!
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custody, legal issues, single mom

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