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Its just so complicated......

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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October 15th, 2009, 11:26 PM
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
I am seven weeks pregnant today.

Over the last week my life has changed dramatically. I have been with my boyfriend for a little under a year. I am from Cali and of Irish looks and heritage and he moved here from Mali, Africa just 5 years ago for work. Things have been great between us, we have never really had any disagreements and we have enjoyed spending a lot of time with each other. I love him and he loves me. Well about a month and a half ago his family started giving him a hard time about my race and background. They were calling him and telling him that he just needs to be with an African woman because I would never be able to understand his culture and traditions. He was really stressed about this because his family means a lot to him, but so did I. He told me that he was going to try and find a way to work it out with them.

WELL, skip forward to about 2 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. I was on birthcontrol and I have pretty severe PCOS so I don't know how this happened. We were both really excited at first, and everything was going fine. Well he left for business for a few days and when he came back last week He sat me down and told me he had something to discuss with me. He said that he has been thinking and he can't work out these race/culture issues with his family. They will never accept me, plain and simple. He said that he has to do what they want him to, and he can't be with me anymore. He wants me to keep the baby and he will be in its life and financially help me.

I am just so torn as to what to do. I was SO happy about this and now I feel like everything I believed in is gone. He says that he will only ever love me and that I am everything he wants in a woman, but he can't stand the thought of being disowned by his family. I am terrified at the thought of doing this alone.

Everyone keeps telling me that he will come to his senses once the baby is born and change his mind. I know him though, and he never says things without thinking about it for a long time first. I just can't believe so suddenly he is gone when there was no problems with us except for his family issues.

I would die to hear any comfort or advice right now....
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October 16th, 2009, 12:33 AM
shanise.robertson's Avatar IAmOneWithSupremeReality
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OMG that is crazy. First off if he really loved you like you say he does then he would try and stick it out with you his family will always be there for him no matter what they might disagree about his choice but if he loved you relly loved you he wouldnt care what his family thinks. and for him to say he will support you financialy thats not all it takes to raise a child a child needs a family love and care and money willnot be enough becuase if they dont accept you what makes you think the will accept the child and why would he want you to bring a child into that. the child would never get to know his side of the family and that is not good at all. I am pro life all the way but i dont think you should bring a innocent child into the world to be hated and mocked by its own family. I understand that africans have their own thing going on and its different but i think that he is taking the easy way out and its not fair to you or the child. i hope you figure things out hun
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October 16th, 2009, 06:21 AM
ThatGirl's Avatar Rawr.
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 3,234
I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. This should be a happy time full of congrats and happiness. I would love to simply call your fella a douche and be done with it but I won't. I think that he's probably under a lot of stress with all the pressure from his family and with facing an unplanned pregnancy. It's not an excuse for his behavior at all but maybe it will help to know where he's coming from. In my experience with these sort of situations after baby is born the family comes around. It's easy to be mad at an idea but not at a grandchild.

I hope that things work out for you.

Thank you MommaDucks for the AMAZING siggy!
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October 16th, 2009, 01:04 PM
laurabelle's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,476
eep. that is a really tough one. do you know if he told them about the pregnancy? maybe he is just scared of their reaction if he does tell them. its surprising sometimes when family you think will be totally upset are overly excite at the thought of a new baby.
i can say that i do understand the culture clash. i just got to meet my boyfriends grandparents yesterday. me, i'm a white as a ghost little polish girl, them - dont speak a lick of english mexicans. hahaa! but they were soso excited at our news they just kept saying "que bueno" jajaa. of course, also being strict catholic, the family prefers us to marry before the baby, but we have explained we do not wish to do that and instead will wait until after. they will deal with it. why/ because they have to.
you know whats best and you will do what you need to for your baby. things will work out however they are meant to.
i hope the situation gets easier for you, you should join us up in the due date clubs, theres a lot of grat advice and support up there as well.
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October 16th, 2009, 07:21 PM
dancefever's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Conneticut
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I just found out I'm pregnant too (I'll be 6 weeks tomorrow) and I'm due June 12th. I'm assuming you're due in June too? I agree with what the girl above me said - you should think about joining the DDC's. Granted, it's not the same as real life support, but it's awesome to go through the pregnancy with other ladies and talk to them about your concerns, etc. And everyone in the June DDC is awesome! My pregnancy wasn't planned, but it's not unwelcomed either.

As far as your situation goes - I think he will come around and his family may as well too. As soon as that baby is born, it will be very hard for anyone to stay mad. And although there are cultural differences, how can they deny their own grandchild/niece/nephew? A baby can do wonderful things to bring people together. And it sounds like the father loves you a lot and is just stressed and torn at the moment. If he plans on helping you financially and being in the child's life - I don't see him not wanting to be in yours as well (romantically) when he loves you as much as he says he does.

I know what it's like to have your significant other come between you and your family. My ex was not liked at all by my family (not for racial/cultural reasons though) and it really hurt us. I'm really close with my family, granted we've had our differences, but in the end I really value their opinions and what they say and it's hard when I know I'm doing something they disagree with. We ended up breaking up - not because of my family though, for different reasons. But, we had planned on getting married at one point and I wasn't even sure my family would come to the wedding and that CRUSHED me. So, it could definitely just be because he's stressed out and doesn't want to disappoint his family. I do believe that he still loves you though. And I have hope he will come around.

By the way, my name is Krista (I'm 21) and you can message me any time if you want to talk. I really hope things get better for you and turn around even though it probably seems impossible right now.

And I hope to see you in the June 2010 DDC!


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October 16th, 2009, 08:45 PM
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
thanks for the advice ladies. I think I left somethings out of the equation though...

He has told his family about the baby and although they are a little shocked and disappointed, they have said that this child is their family and they will accept it no problem. I am not looking at having a child that is ignored by one half of its family. They just don't want him to be with ME. For them I am the problem even though they have never spoken to me or met me.

I know that he is having a hard time with this too, there has been a lot of crying on his side which I have never seen from him before this. But over the last week he has really started to pull away from me. He doesn't want to see me every day like he used to and he has been signing up for every travel opportunity he has for work so he has been out of the state a lot too. All of my friends keep saying the same thing that he will come to his senses.... but what if he doesn't? I have always wanted children but not like this....

I have an appointment to get an abortion on the 28th. At this point I am really not sure if I am going or not. I really love this baby already, and I want it very much. The reason I am thinking about terminating is not because of how hard this would be on me but how hard this would be on my baby. How hard would it be to grow up with a mother and a father who were never together but loved eachother? How would that baby feel if I were to date? Plus not to mention I am a full time office manager and a full time student with a schedule that takes up 6 days of my week. How is that fair to a baby that it would have only one parent and that parent is barely there? I am just so torn. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.....
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October 16th, 2009, 09:08 PM
dancefever's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Conneticut
Posts: 3,796
I think the fact that his family has accepted the baby is definitely a step in the right direction. If you were to go through with the pregnancy, I think everything would turn around once the baby was born. You said his family hasn't even met you yet. They can't dislike you that much before they even meet you. You're going to be the mother of their grandchild... it's hard to believe there would be any hate there.

And it sounds like the father is just worried, scared and unsure of what to do and is filling up his time to occupy himself so he doesn't have to think about it so much. But I believe that if you were to go through with the pregnancy, that child would be loved a lot, by both of you and your families. I know it's hard to see now, but I really think everyone would come around.

I would never tell someone they can't get an abortion, because I do believe in pro-choice if it's really the best option for everyone involved. But, it really doesn't sound like you want to go through with it at all. I know women who have gone through with an abortion and completely regretted it afterward and felt awful. That's the last thing I would wish on anyone. So I really think you should do whatever your heart tells you. Don't think so much about the "what if's" and follow your heart and your gut feelings.

I know this is a really hard thing to go through, especially alone. But you're not alone on JM. And I really believe your friends, family and the father will all be there to support you soon enough.

I've been freaking out because we're not financially stable yet, I work full time and am a part time student. Michael works 2 part time jobs and is in the military... but, I know we can do it. I'm already in love with this baby, as you said you are with yours, and I couldn't imagine not going through with the pregnancy.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching to you... haha, I just really want you to realize you're not alone. And everything always works itself out in the end! If it's not okay, it's not the end... right?!

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October 22nd, 2009, 02:20 PM
flitabout's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Pipestone, Minnesota
Posts: 6,500
I am pro choice, but you love your baby, please don't terminate, I don't think you would be able to forgive yourself.
My heart is aching for you! At the time you need the most support you have none. I want you to remember you have a family of people here on JM that would love to support you in this pregnancy and beyond. Come and join us on the June ddc. This will be hard to get through, but you can do it. I do think that maybe dad will come around after the baby is born.
This part will be a little sneaky, but it does work it did with my now DH!
Keep him involved as much as you can. Every U/S make sure he is there. When it is time for birthing classes make him be there with you. Tell him that he helped you make this baby, he needs to help you bring it to this world. Now for the hard part, see if you can't get him to get at the very least his parents there for the birth so that they can get to know their new grand child. If you can get them there and on your turf where you are comfortable, so while they get to know baby they can get to know you too, and in the mean time do your research about his culture. Arm yourself with all of the knowledge you can, it truly is power!

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October 28th, 2009, 03:31 PM
laurabelle's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,476
hey, just thinking about you today, i hope whatever decision you have come to is the best choice for you and know that there are plenty of us here to support you either way. update if you are feeling up for it, if not best of luck to you...
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October 28th, 2009, 10:17 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
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He doesn't love you honey.........oh i am so so sorry.......he is an ahole that wants to get out of the whole deal and responsibility. He will probably-probably be in the baby's life financially (probably) but don't expect anything more. He is using his family as an excuse. That's the truth of it. Anything can be an easy excuse to get out of things.....i am really am sorry he is not a gentleman I will wish for you and for your baby to be ok, without him. You don't need him........

" \m/ Now Iím riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way Iíll cross the line forevermore \m/ "

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November 2nd, 2009, 07:20 PM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 15
Oh dear - this brought tears to my eyes! I don't have any advice besides what's already been said but I just wanted to give you a comforting hug!
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February 11th, 2010, 05:36 PM
fibigrey's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That is so horrible. Honestly if he loved you, and was completely in love with you, he would disregard what his family has to say, because you can't help who you love, and you can't live without someone you love (not by choice anyway).. His family seems very very judgemental.. One thing I would be concerned about it regardless of whether he comes back or not is what his family is goin to teach your child, or how they are going to accept him/her.. Will this child be forced to be an outcast by their own family? Not only that, but their own FATHER Is choosing to treat that baby like an outcast because he can't accept YOU over something as simple as race!! I understand that a traditional african family may have different cultures and beliefs, but they should still be supportive of their child..

I certainly hope that things work out for you I hope that you come to peace with whatever decisions your ex makes, and I hope that maybe he can come to the realization that the baby in you is part him, part his genes, part his heritage.. good luck hun!
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February 12th, 2010, 07:12 PM
Jodi Dawn's Avatar Host of the Jan-July 05 P
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any updates??
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