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I'm worried about DBF

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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December 21st, 2009, 03:11 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 4,003
Hello, I have been visiting this board but mostly I hang out on the August DDC board. I just wanted to vent about something, and see if anyone was in a similar situation or has any thoughts.

I am 22, my boyfriend is 24, we have been together for a total of 3 and a half years. (We were together for 2, split up, and have now been back together for a year and a half). He is also my best friend, and we continued to be friends while we weren't together. I want to be clear on the fact that he is a wonderful person, sweet, caring, hilarious, and very intelligent. He is good to me and despite our small struggles from time to time, we make each other happy.

I am (roughly, not sure yet) 8 weeks pregnant with our first child. This was a complete surprise. We were not using any contraception, but we used the "family planning" method, trying to avoid sex when I thought I was ovulating (bad idea, irregular cycles) and pull n pray. I am a full time student and I work part time. DBF works full time and will be going to college again starting in February, he has about three and half years left to get the degree he wants to do what he wants to do. We moved to this town in the fall specifically so that each of us could attend school full time. He...is crushed by this pregnancy. He feels like his life is over and he will never be able to finish school or be successful. He feels like things have always gotten in his way, which is why it is taking him so long to finish his degree, and that this baby is just one more thing. He is NOT angry with me or blaming me, but he is very upset and borderline depressed. He never wants to talk about it. He wanted me to get an abortion but understands that I could never go through with it, nor do I want to. I am worried about money as well but I know that it will work in the end. He does not think it will, his family was very low income growing up, and he's afraid of not being able to provide for a child. Also, he says emotionally he is not ready to give up his freedom and be a dad, even though he knows he will love his child, he says "that's not the point".

I knew this would be a shock to him, and we have only known for a week a half, and of course I am hoping he will get better with time, especially when he is able to hear the baby's heartbeat or see it on an ultrasound. However, he is not even slightly excited or into talking about it or thinking about names or anything. He does not want to acknowledge the fact that we were not on birth control, and we made this baby together, who I feel deserves to live. Though he says he's not angry with me and respects my decision, I am afraid he will eventually resent me, or the baby. He is so shaken up that all he does when he gets home from work is play video games. He's not sleeping well, and he says his heart races a lot. He's having a lot of anxiety, basically, and always is moaning things like "This wasn't supposed to happen now", and "I don't want a baby yet". We have not made love in 3 weeks (not kidding) because even before I tested I had a feeling I was, and so did he. He knows that sex can't hurt the baby, he just doesn't have any sex drive because he's so freaked out.

Part of me feels awful for him, he's such a great guy and most of his concerns about money and such are very valid. I KNOW this is hard for him and want to give him space. But the other part of me just wants to tell him to man up. I am sick and exhausted and dealing with enough stress, and I literally don't have the energy to counsel him or baby him. If anything, HE should be taking care of ME. He still hugs me, and tells me he loves me, but it's not the same as before, I can feel how empty and scared he is. I want him to feel better and all I can tell him is that I would never willingly do something that would hurt him or "ruin his life", that everything will be just fine and he won't believe how in love with this baby he is going to be. He just shrugs it off. I don't have any girlfriends (just one who lives 2 hrs away) so I have no one to share the happiness with. I just wish he would start feeling a little better, because I miss my boyfriend, we used to laugh all the time but it's been lifeless in this apartment lately. Do you guys think this is normal for an unexpectedly expecting father? Or should he get help? What should I do?
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December 21st, 2009, 08:29 PM
Holdens Mommy <3
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 1,152
My pregnancy was completely unplanned too. I don't talk to the baby's father very often but the last time I talked to him he seemed to feel the same way your bf does. He's scared not excited, not sleeping, etc. I think its normal for something so unexpected to kinda mess you up for a while.
I think he will eventually come around. Its scary news to hear for any guy. But I do think he just needs time, ya know? We will get through this, and so will the guys.
Holden James 7.28.10
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December 21st, 2009, 09:01 PM
sara~b's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 10,350
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Maybe you guys should find a counselor and make a plan. You could go talk to a credit counselor for free and find out about financial planning and saving and investing. Then you could talk to your college advisor about planning your schedules around the needs of a newborn/infant so that one of you could always be home but you could both continue school. Then you can talk to a school therapist about your feelings, his feelings and dealing with the surprises life throws at you.

Sitting around waiting for it to get better isn't going to work. Guys like having a plan, knowing what to expect and working towards a goal. Your BF is upset because he thinks his plans just went up in smoke. If you want him to come around then you need to prove to him that you just need to change the plans, not the goal, and you can still get there. Good luck!
Sara, 27, married to Shane, 31, mom to Gemma, 6, and Ashlyn, born 8/7/10

Running for my health and sanity!
PR's: 5k-25:05 (old PR 25:10), 5M-45:03 (old PR - 47:22), 10k - 52:00 (approximate - training), HM-2:25:58 (ran a 2:17:36 during marathon), Full- 4:49:25 (old PR -5:49:40), 50k-7:05:56, 50M-13:31:14, 100k- 18:59:31 (old PR 20:56)
(All of these PR's are going down this season!)

My Pregnancy Chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1c6297
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December 21st, 2009, 10:50 PM
iMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Maine
Posts: 967
I'm sorry that he isn't being supportive of you right now. My baby's father is also in shock/denial. We are roommates, but not together, so the situation is a little different. Like you, though, we were having unprotected sex. He knew that I wasn't on the pill and that I could never have an abortion and I would warn him when it was an unsafe time, but that didn't seem to stop him.

Since finding out I'm pregnant we barely talk. He either stays out late with friends or hides in his room. So I know how tough it is not to get the support you want and need from someone who is physically there, but emotionally absent.

I think that talking to a financial planner sounds like a good idea. Also, it might be a good idea to speak to a therapist. I know that money is tight right now, but a lot of universities offer free counseling to students. It might be worth your while to look into that, and given your situation it sounds like couples' counseling might be appropriate (also still possible for free if you don't go to the same university).

It sounds like you are being incredibly patient with him. Hopefully, in time, he will 'come round. Good luck!
Griffin Thomas
b. July 20, 2010
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