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I feel like a horrible mother already...

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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December 31st, 2009, 03:46 PM
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2
My boyfriend and I found out in November that we are expecting. We have known for about 6 weeks and he could not be happier, while I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with what is happening. I don't have a lot to complain about, I'm 24 and he's 25, we both have good jobs, have been together for over a year and marriage and kids were already a common topic before this happened. Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed of becoming a mom. Of everything I ever wanted to accomplish in life having children was #1. I know I'm going to sound selfish right now but I have spent endless hours the past 10 years to stay in shape and have always had very picky eating habits (i.e. endless amounts of sushi and caffeine was my best friend). I know having a child doesn't mean my body will forever be something I want to hide, but having to give up my life style, the workouts, the eating habits, the clothes and cocktails w/ friends is just painful. I know once the baby is born I can start to enjoy these things again (when I have time that is) but I feel like I don't even deserve to have this child since I'm having such a hard time being happy about it. When we had the first ultrasound I fell in love but I just don't understand why I can't be happy everyday about this. My boyfriend can tell I'm having a hard time and he says I'm focusing on the things that aren't important. But these are things that I have to go through, NOT him. I've had to completely re-learn how to function on a daily basis. I just need to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way!

Last edited by Amelia24; December 31st, 2009 at 03:48 PM.
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December 31st, 2009, 07:45 PM
Caelen's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Hurley, WI
Posts: 8,572
I lurk on these boards sometimes and just wanted to post to reassure you, it all comes in time. Not everyone (even if its planned, that was me when I started out pregnant too and we were ttc) is thrilled right away. Sometimes moms even start out the actual parenting aspect of it right after birth without that "bond" that you always hear about. Does that mean there's something wrong with you? No. Nothing is wrong with you for thinking that way. At least that's my take on it and now I'm a stay at home mom to my son and couldn't be happier.

I think what may help you is realizing that you can have the things you are thinking you'll miss out on. They may not be as frequent as you used to have them, but they'll still be there. Talk to your doctor about the eating habits you had if you're concerned about that. Working out can be a really fun thing if you find the right situation. There are plenty of prenatal fitness classes out there and they are actually really fun! Its good to workout during pregnancy too, just not the hardcore workouts. There are lots of Mommy and Me classes that incorporate your little one, you can get a jogging stroller (my kiddo LOVES being out and about no matter if I'm running with him in the jogger or shopping with him in a shopping cart). There's not much of an alternative to the caffiene unless you're okay with decaf (or look into real fruit smoothies that you make yourself?), but look into your options with sushi and stuff like that. Just because you're preggo doesn't mean its drive thru taco bell for 9 months! Ask your doc about it. Who knows, you might be like me and get sick every time you think about how fish smells! Maybe try cooked instead of raw sushi? Its not the fish that's the issue, its that its raw. Fish is actually very good for you while pregnant if you eat it in the right portions and avoid predatory fish (they'll give you a handout about it). Maybe you'll find other healthy foods that you like because of having to expand your horizons a bit. My husband figured out quickly that it was important for me to have somewhat of a normal life with friends just like he does, so he watches LO for me (I couldn't breastfeed) sometimes while I go out with friends.. or I take LO with me and he's just delighted to get attention from everyone at a restaraunt though of course I can't drink.

Give it time and try not to be quick to judge yourself. Pregnancy is big and it takes some time to accept and embrace sometimes!
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January 3rd, 2010, 11:43 AM
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 296
Amelia24, I was just skimming through posts when I saw yours. I swear I could've written it myself! I'm glad to hear someone else is feeling the same way. Yes, I'm happy...but I'm also terrified of what's going to happen to a) my body, b) my lifestyle. I work with kids for a living, and love them, and believe that being a good parent is the most noble thing you can be, so I guess I have felt a little selfish also that I didn't just have those feelings right away. I am 31, and this is my first pregnancy.
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January 3rd, 2010, 02:31 PM
Gobaby1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: North Shore of Boston
Posts: 1,075
Why can't you be happy everyday... a lovely little thing called hormones!
I felt the same way, actually you are far ahead of me. When I had my first u/s @
5w5d I sat in the car and cried for 45 mins, I couldn't drive I just sat there. And I admit mine were all for selfish reasons, my DH and I had JUST said we wanted to wait another year or so, I do fitness for a living and had big things planned for this year, going out etc. Finally, around week 15-16 I started to be ok. We both have good jobs, insurance, a house... we're fine, but it was still hard. Now as I wait for my late little man to arrive I am very excited to do soooo much with him!

But, don't feel like a bad mother... your LO doesn't know you feel like that, it will keep taking what it needs from you to go big and strong and will never know you had feelings of confusion. It is completely normal, I think maybe even when its planned??? Not sure, ours was a complete surprise. But I think had we waited to plan it, we would be 60 when we realized we had no kids! Everything will work out, it has to! Good luck!

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January 10th, 2010, 06:59 PM
caitie_pie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
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I can honestly understand all of your concerns. I think a couple ladies already said some of the same things I am about to but too much to read lol

I worked out every day rigorously. My career is also based in working out and staying in shape. There are other ways to work out and working out while pregnant can also be a fun thing. It helps you stay happier and sleep better! So KEEP working out!
I am also upset about the things I can't eat and drink anymore. I LOVE kahlua, and for those who dont know its a mexican alcoholic drink and it's delicious. I want it all the time and I feel horrible for not being able to wait til I'm not pregnant anymore to drink. Yes its selfish but that is very human. Dont beat yourself up over it.
Your baby is going to want a lot of things and you'll find you can enjoy what baby is telling you to eat just as much as the things that you used to eat.

As for the clothes... I also worked in retail. Aeropostale. Don't know if anyone has heard of that store either. We had to wear their clothes and let me tell you my hips widened from the start... WE HAVE TO WEAR JEANS! I just didnt feel comfortable in their clothes anymore but that does not mean you can't look cute! Trust me, I'm young and I like to look young. I don't want to look or dress like my mother. You don't have to. I don't know what your into but there is a wide variety of amazingly adorable maternity clothes!

So I hope I've helped you. If you ever need someone to vent to, just shoot me a PM... we can vent to each other

Thank you Julka for my amazing Siggy<3
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