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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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March 31st, 2005, 03:17 PM
bebe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Houston, Texas
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Im 22 years old and 3 1/2 months pregnant. My bf is 26. Im currently a student in my last year of college and he has one year left of law school. The past 4 weeks have been hell for me and I dont think Ive had a single moment to enjoy my pregnancy and Im starting to think that I made the wrong decison by keeping it. Ever since I told my parents that I was pregnant it has been hell. I know my parents love me and they want the best for me but how much am I suppose to take from them. I know this kind of sounds like rambling but let me explain further. I had only been dating my bf for a few months before I got pregnant. Although we've been friends for years my parents never actually got to know him and the pregnancy was kind of a shock. Well that are trying to force us to get married which I dont want to do. All I hear from them is constant negativity. They believe that because Im not getting married Im letting him get out of this situation the easy way. But he totally cares about me and the baby. He wants to be there for evereything. The f_____ up part about it is that I have to sneak around to see him. Because if I mention that Im going to see him I hear all kinds of crap. I dont understand what their problem is. They dont want him in my life or the babys but yet they want us to get married? They want us to get married but me not live with him and he cant come around me until after the baby is born. Can anyone tell me what the rationality of this thinking is? I love my parents and I have never let them down, and I have always done as Ive been told. But I am at my witts end. Ive gotten to the point where Im ready to pack up my stuff and leave. Ive been so stressed out and there hasnt been a day that doesnt go by when I dont cry myself to sleep. I dont know what to do anymore. The situation at my house is unbearable but I dont want to just get up and leave. Can anyone help me understand?
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March 31st, 2005, 03:59 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: coquitlam, b.c., canada
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wow sorry that you have to go through that especially when it's from the people you would think would be there for you no matter what. my parents asked if i was going to amrry my boyfriend when i got pregnant. i'm 23 weeks right now, but it's one step at a time. you don't need to rush anything it's ok to have kids and not be married these days. beside marrying someone because you are having a baby isn't a reason to get married, and that's what's best for you, your baby and the relationship you have with the baby's father. i mean being a relationship with some one is different then being with them as a couple and you don't know how things are going to work out. just tell them that you know that they are looking out for you and you appreiciate it but it's you decision and you would appreciate their support. just because you don't do things their way doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. how are his parents taking the news?
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March 31st, 2005, 04:11 PM
TylerJ1029's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: at my desk
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((HUGS)). Welcome to JM and congrats! I'm Jennifer (22) SAHM to Tyler (17m).

I got pregnant with my son after only knowing his father (now my fiance) for about a month. I was living away at college and my parents didnt know him at all. They didnt even know we were dating. We decided to wait to get married. We figured since the baby was rushed then what was the point of rushing the marriage. We wanted our marriage to be about us, not just because I got pregnant. By not getting married it does not mean your BF will have no responsiblities. I assume he will be on the birth certificate. Also I suggest getting him to sign an acknowledgement of paternity. Its good because god forbid he did leave you it means he has to pay child support and cannot say the child isnt his.
For me the best thing to show my parents was a game plan. It helped them calm down alot. I let them know our goals. How we were gonna be with each other, why we chose to wait for marriage. How we are gonna finacially support a baby. All that good stuff. Maybe if you sit down with your BF and get a game plan together then tell your parents about it, it will help them get off your back.

Good luck. I'm sure it will improve.

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March 31st, 2005, 07:39 PM
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I don't know what to tell you. On one hand I want to say "HOW OLD ARE YOU!?!?!" because you're still letting your parents tell you what to do, but if you're living at home, I can certainly understand that. I'm 19 and pregnant w/ my first and living at home. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and we are trying to buy a house, so we have a plan, but we are NOT getting married right away.

I don't know what kinda advice I can give you, because honestly, what your parents are saying doesn't make ANY sense at all to me. It does sound like you and your bf need to sit down with them and talk this out. Let them know that you really need their support. That you are going to continue to see your boyfriend because he is the father of your child and you need him to be involved in this. That's what I would do. They're your parents and they should support you.

I truly hope that this gets better for you dear. I'm so sorry that you have people in your life who don't support you. It has to be rough.

I do think what Jennifer suggested was good about presenting a game plan to your parents maybe to help them get off your back about the marriage thing. They really should not try to keep him out of your life right now, because now is when you really need him there to help support you and be there for you emotionally, especially because it doesn't sound like they are there for you that way. I am so so sorry and again, I hope that things get better.
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April 1st, 2005, 02:59 PM
bebe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks ladies for the advice. I know Im an adult and I should be able to stand up to my parents. I guess its just so hard because I hate to go against their wishes. Its just the way I raised. You know the old fashioned, "your parents always know whats best" and until this situation arose I always believed that true. I guess its kind of hard for me to admit that my parents dont always know whats best. Ive always had such a close relationship with them and I know that this is going to tear my family apart. I want to do what I know is best for me, but how can I do it with out completly losing my family. As far as me thinking keeping the baby was a mistake, I dont. I was venting and I shouldnt have put it in those words. My baby isnt a mistake and I know the responsibility of having it. I just always thought I would have my families support when it happened, no matter what the situation was.
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April 3rd, 2005, 11:58 AM
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: santa cruz, ca
Posts: 80
girl! stop worring about what your family thinks! That is so stupid. why do parents make us feel like we have to do what they say even though we are no longer kids? this is you and your bfs lives, not theres, so stand up for yourself and live your life! Never let them control you.
They will come arround after you have the baby. Just finish college, and will be cool. i bet they are just jelouse because your pg and your going to be finishing college! thats huge! Good luck
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April 4th, 2005, 04:53 AM
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 42
hey dont worry bout your parents. im 19 and all hell broke loose when i told mine!!! i heard endless crap too!!! it does eventually die down just not soon enough
i hope it gets better real soon for you,cuz its not cool i know!!!
it is your life and therefore you have the right to make your own decisions like not getting married, they mustnt force anything upon you its not nice!!!
mine tried to convince me to give my baby up for adoption,blah blah blah!!!
there was no way in hell i was gonna let that happen.....
im now married and almost seven months pregnant!!!
dont you worry theyl come around!!!!
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April 4th, 2005, 04:42 PM
LalaMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maryland
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I am 22 as well (or will be in May) and i must say, with everything going on in the lives of women our age, the last thing we need is unsupportive parents. I think you are a little too afraid of dissapointing your parents. Where they might think the best thing for you is to get married, they need to understand it is your life and your choice. I do hope your bf takes an active role, but thats all anyone can hope. I suggest you have a heart to heart with your parents. Tell them, what they are putting you through is making this life altering decision even harder. If they love you, they MUST support you, whether they agree with yuor decisions or not. I happen to have wonderful parents who support me completely, but if i didnt, i would separate myself from them a little. Maybe they dont have to be compltely involved to the point where they stop you from seeing the father of your baby. What they are doing to you in unhealthy and putting unneeded additional stress in a life that sounds stressfull enough.
Good luck sweetheat.

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May 10th, 2005, 06:23 PM
mom2Silas&Aidan's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 515
I really hope things get better for you. Try not to get too stressed out. You need to remain calm for the baby (I know it's hard to do). If it makes you feel any better, I just told my family that I'm pregnant (3rd child). I'm 30 years old, been with the same guy 11 years, married almost 5 and we're financially ok. I have never seen my mom so disappointed when she found out I was expecting again. My grandmother even had the nerve to tell me to get my tubes tied (she had 5 kids)! Some parents can't be pleased, no matter how perfect you try to be. I'm the oldest of three and have tried to live up to my parents standards which seem to be impossible. I wish you lots of luck. Just remember, you can find support at this board. Once the baby is here, your parents will turn around. My brother became a father at 18 and while my parents were very disappointed at first, you would never be able to tell. They are very proud grandparents.

Good luck!!
Silas 2/02, Aidan 6/04 and Savannah 11/05
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May 11th, 2005, 09:42 AM
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 121
Hi Bebe,
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It is so frustrating and disappointing when those we expected to be able to rely on can't rise to the occasion. My situation is the opposite- family and friends are so excited and supportive and my husband isn't.

My first thought when I read your note is that I would tell my parents that I really need their support right now. You understand their concern and opinions about the situtation but right now you're too hormonal and emotional to make any more decisions about your future. It's your first baby and that is challenging enough. I can imagine I would be fighting with my parents if I were in your situation and so angry. Maybe if you can get past them and tell them how much you need their positive support their gut parental instinct to take care of you will kick in.

Not sure I'm of any help at this point. But you are not alone. Hang in there. We will all have beautiful babies =)

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May 11th, 2005, 11:47 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,657
When my mom found out I was pregnant we weren't on speaking terms then when she did say somthing I wish she hadn't.
Don't get married because of your parents or pregnancy. Show your parents that you will finish school, mabe take some summer classes. They really want the best for you. Find somthing that your boyfriend has in coman with each of your parents and have him do that with them. See if he can spend some weekends sleeping on the opposite side of the house. (Even when we were living together when we staied at my parents house we had to sleep on oppisite sides of the house, now that we're married we get to sleep in the same room on diffrent beds.) I they don't want you to go out bring him there.
You really need to compromise if you want to be seen as an 'adult' (I wasn't seen as an 'adult' until I moved out of state) If you can't live with them don't. Your family is important however you're starting a family of your own and that's hard for parents to take. It seems like they are worried about your future and you need to address that firmly us world like I AM going to this school instead of I'm THINKING of. We ARE getting married in ____. (It could be 2085 as long as you say are) Instead of we're PLANNING. THINKING and PLANNING are iffy words don't always get done. Really try to set a time line for yourself. It helps. If you don't use change get a little bank to put it in it's useful

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May 12th, 2005, 06:37 PM
lotus86's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi Bebe -
My name is Liz and I'm 19 and from Maryland. I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and I know from experience how horrible it is. I got pregnant at 18 in December, when I was in my first semester at college, and living in the dorms. I withdrew from school and was living with my boyfriend. My b/f and his family were nothing but supportive. But from the day I told my parents, my life went to complete crap. My mom was hysterical and probably just as irrational as your parents. She told me I was a disgrace to my family and that I was going to kill my grandparents by telling them. She even called her lawyer and asked if she could legally force me to have an abortion. The lawyer was a long-time family friend, and that wasn't the only person she told. I started getting calls from random people, like her friends, her husband's ex-wife, and so on, telling me that i was being selfish by deciding to have the baby. The stress was non-stop and it got so horrible that I refused to speak to my family until they stopped harassing me and my boyfriend's family. She got her wish when I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I still haven't forgiven her, but we see each other every day and things are improving. The best advice that I can give you is first of all, is figuring out how important this pregnancy is to you - and only you. Don't consider your family's reactions, because even though they seem insane now, they will come to terms with you eventually, especially after the baby is born. If the baby is important to you, and you want to keep the baby,then you just have to try as hard as you can to block out their comments, and just think every time that you will prove them wrong. Your family can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do. Even though they may say that they want the best for you, you are a grown woman and only you can decide what is best for you. Good luck in making your decision, and keep us all posted. Stay strong
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