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Unsupportive daddy - confused - advice needed

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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March 1st, 2011, 09:43 AM
britneyxo's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 397
Hey everyone,

So I am 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and it was an unplanned pregnancy. I have been with the daddy for 3 years but when I concieved we weren't at the best place in our relationship, sort of just trying to get back on track with everything after taking a break.
When I first told him he was very supportive and said he'd support me with whatever I decided, but now after he has thought more and more about it he is being really harsh and not supportive at all. Even though he says he will take care of it and be a daddy to the baby, he doesn't want me to have it all. I feel as though he is giving me an ultimatum (even though he says it isn't), if I keep the baby then he and I are done, and we raise the baby 100% on our own not together, but if i don't have it, everything is okay.
I'm so confused and hurt, and I really don't know what to think. I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's still shocked and scared but I'm really starting to lose hope.
What i want to know is, is this typical behaviour for guys (bf's, unsupportive ones), and is it common for them to say things like this? I've heard from a few people that it is and they eventually come around and things work out, but i don't know if it's them just trying to spare my feelings.
Also any advice is very appreciated.

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March 1st, 2011, 12:13 PM
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 320
my partner wasnt happy when i got pregnant but he was supportive. if your bf is giving u an ultimatum then hes not worth your time. i hope hes a better dad to his baby than he was a bf to you. good luck hun.

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March 1st, 2011, 04:15 PM
angelsailor288's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 5,057
No this is not common for a mature adult man. I'd say this is showing some of his character you need to decide if you want to spend the next however many years of your life with, or is he worth wasting your time with?

That being said, dont let his immature behavior effect your decision in keeping your baby. This is your baby and you and him being together is whatever, he can still be in the childs life and support you financially.

Thank you jaidynsmum for my siggy!

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March 1st, 2011, 07:23 PM
beckii's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: NS Canada
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Curious - how old is he?

I might ramble a bit here - but I'm just trying to share my experience incase it may help you out a bit

I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant - my boyfriend (at the time) was 19, soon to be 20 (month after my DD was born). When I first told him, he was completely stunned. We had only been together 6 months at that point, but had been through so much it really felt like a lot longer.. anyway, he told me straight up that he didn't want to keep the baby - he thought abortion, or adoption, would be the best option for our situation.

I didn't disagree with him, because at that point I didn't even know what I wanted. But, he always told me that it was ultimately my decision, & he'd support me no matter what I chose. However, he also said that he couldn't make any promises on the kind of father that he would be, & that I should be prepared for that, just incase.

My entire pregnancy he was disconnected, or at least that's how I saw it. He never wanted to discuss names, or feel the baby kick, etc. I went to pre-natal classes, & he'd come when he felt like it, but not always. It was really rough going through it knowing that he really didn't want to have the baby - even though there were moments where he would say he was happy, or just look at me that, way, etc.

Okay, almost done! Now, 5 years since my daughter's birth - her father is invloved in her life, & always has been. We split 3 years ago now, & although we aren't together, he's managed to still hang on. He isn't the MOST involved parent, & he definitely slacks on his responsiblities more than he should, yes. But, he LOVES our daughter, sincerely - & I know that he would do anything for her... sometimes he's a pain, yeah, & I have to ask him 3000 times to do something (which he might or might not end up doing), but he has been there.

I think it is normal for men to doubt, especially with unexpected pregnancies, & especially if they're younger. They really don't think like us, & I'm NOT generalizing here because there ARE men out there who DO think the opposite - but from my experience, he felt like life was over... like, what can you do after you have a child? Nothing. But, he obviously learned different.

Some things just take time. I honestly can't judge your situation, because I don't know you or him.. but you do. & if you feel like his heart isn't in it, & if he IS giving you an ultimatum - lose him as a BF, but allow him to be a part of the child's life until he gives you decent reason not to, or until he shows you that this is something important to him.

I don't know if ANY of that made sense!!! Sorry!!! I'm just trying to get it all out & try to give you some advice from my experience. Goodluck with everything & please keep us updated on it

Oh, & welcome hun !!
beckii ... momma to my beautiful princess Mikayla Lynn 01.18.06
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March 2nd, 2011, 11:46 AM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: The Burgh, PA
Posts: 1,623
Hi and

First off . An unplanned pregnancy is a tough situation to deal with and i know how you must be feeling going through these issues with your baby's father.

I agree with Beckii here. Though how he is handling the situation might not be right, i think it is normal. I think he is giving you an ultimatum because he is trying to control the situation. He is obviously not ready to be a dad and wants you to base your decision off his feelings. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. Think long and hard for yourself if you want to go through with this baby. Don't make a decision based on trying to "save" the relationship. I hate to sound harsh, but if he isn't being supportive and there for you now... there is a good chance he won't be there for you later, regardless of your decision. So make sure the decision you make is what you personally would have no regrets about. This is a decisionthat will live with you forever.

That being said, i would have a serious talk with him. Let him know you don't appreciate being given an ultimatum and if he is going to be your partner, he needs to man up and be supportive. And if that is something he is not willing to do, he just isn't there for you. But not matter what, he needs to be there for his child. At the very least, financially.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!


Thank You Sharon for my beautiful siggy!

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March 2nd, 2011, 01:34 PM
us_four's Avatar Kristian... mommy of 2!!!
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: eastpointe, michigan
Posts: 1,118
i just want to say that if he wants to be with you he will. i mean it just sounds very stupid for him to say hewill be with you if you terminate the pregnancy but WILL NOT be with you if you keep it! either he wants to be with you or he wont! trust me!! i really hope this works out for you. do not base your decision based on him being with you. he is giving you an ultimatom of him of your unborn child. that does not sound like the type of guy a woman should wanna be with...

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March 2nd, 2011, 03:52 PM
rugby_girl's Avatar <3 my boy :)
Join Date: Jun 2010
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My son's father was supportive when I first found out I was pregnant. Then started pushing for abortion. My son (Austin) is 3 weeks old now, I haven't talked to his father in 24 weeks. Austin and I are doing very well with out him.

Do what you want to do. Don't worry about what the father wants you to do. If he wants to be there, then he will be there regardless of what you decide. If he doesn't want to be there, then don't let him play head games!

Jaime, single mommy to Austin (2/8/11)

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March 7th, 2011, 03:07 PM
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 14
I think sometimes unsure fathers know what the right thing is to say so they say it but dont really mean it. My BF also told me that he would be supportive with whatever decision I made and that all he wanted to do was support me. It was obvious that he was not happy that I was pregnant and neither was I at first. We talked about abortion but after looking into it I decided against it. When I told him this it was like his world fell apart. It's difficult because we live together and there was a lot of tension in the house for a while. A while backhe asked me how many weeks I was and i told him and then asked him if he wanted to come to the ultrasound and he said ugh..you have to get an abortion. Needless to say my feelings were so hurt. Now he never gave me an ultimatum but I felt like things would be easier on me if we split. Once I sat down and told him how his words hurt and how I felt and that he deceived me into thinking that he would be supportive he slowly started coming around. Now he will still say that we are not ready for a baby but thats as far as it goes. I think maybe your BF is thinking more about his own fears and worries and not thinking about what you are going through right now as well and its worth a nice long sit down talk. Let him know exactly how you feel. If he loves you and wants to be with you he will stay and be supportive like he said in the beginning.
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