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Unplanned Pregnance, not sure what to do!

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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January 14th, 2012, 04:59 PM
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
Christmas Eve day, I took a home pregnancy test to find out I am pregnant. I had the typical signs everyone talks about for early pregnancy. I figure I am currently about six weeks. This was unplanned, but stupidly we weren't doing much to prevent. We both knew the consequences.

I have a lot going on in my head and feel I need to think more clearly and focus on a decision I can live with. Most of my life has been struggle after struggle, throught my entire life. I had a good childhood, but major dysfuction around me with my parents divored and both remarried. My father was very abusive and controlling. I finished at the top of my class in high school and .01 shy of the Deans List in college. I have always been very active and outgoing and surround myself with positive people. I have gone to counseling to help me better understand my childhood and why things happen the way they do and know that things happen for a reason. I also have a degree in counseling, so my studies have helped me become the person I am.

I never dreamt about the wedding I would have or much about the babies I would have. I just knew that I would wait to find a great partner and children would come if we were meant to have them. Well, I did get married a few years ago, to find out shortly after my husband was NOT the person I married...for MANY reasons. We were separated months after our marriage and divoced about 1 1/2 years later. So I have now been divorced just over a year. I didn't start dating again until I was ready and of course when I was divorced.

My boyfriend and I have been happily dating for the last 8-9 months. We don't live together, but we do see each other often, when he is in town. He works out of town alot and likes to keep busy when he is back in town. We have a lot in common and have fun together. We both have careers, but nothing to brag about. We, like everyone else, have bills and responsibilities and don't feel we can fiscally support a baby at this time. We are both 37. I have no children and he has two, 17 & 19 living in another state, which he stays in contact with and supports. We have both been married and divorced, not what each of us planned for our lives, but it happened. Unfortunately and recently, prior to knowing I was pregnant, we have been having discussions about freedom and how fast our relationship has been and how we can change it to slow down more or dissolve it.

I told him within 30 minutes of knowing myself that I am pregnant and his instant comment was that I should have an abortion. I didn't really expect this, but yet had a feeling due to our prior talks. I have always wanted children, but being under these circumstances makes it a difficult decision for me if I should keep it or have an abortion. I know I can not do adoption. If I went through the pregnancy, I would definately keep the baby. I also never thought I would have a child without being married. Not like this never happens, but it is so soon after both of us have gotten out of relationships.

I have been, unfortunately, contemplating my two options. I feel I would be selfish if I got an abortion due to the plans I have/had for the near future. But I can easily talk myself out of the abortion for just as many reasons and because I never thought that I would even think about an abortion option. I feel my life currently is very stable. I own a small three bedroom town home, planned to start my masters within the year and financially making things work, I divorce debt to pay for. Of course adding a baby to the mix would stress me greatly financially and school may be held off. I have always looked at most situations as they were presented to me for a reason and I have learned many skills to manage through. So I am not sure how to make a decision to terminate with all the things I just mentioned.

I don't have a good family support system, but I have a lot of great friends and my boyfriends family is not perfect but they are around and great people. I have no family where we live and have lived for several years, with no plan to move anywhere else. I know my boyfriend will definatley be there for me and the baby. I just don't know how much due to his occupation and being out of town so often, but he will be there. In our recent discussions, he expressed he has thought alot more and thought about the high possibility of me keeping the baby. He is a great guy and told me today he "hates to admit, but always wanted another child. It's just not good timing" for either of us. But when is there a good time to have a child and bring a child into this world.

The other thing I will mention is that I do have an appointment for an abortin scheduled in the near future. I scheduled this to mainly give myself a timeline to decide and knowing it is something I can back out on at any time.

I feel after having expanded on this initial message, I may have made my decision. I would still like some feedback from people in a similar or prior situation like mine. Or just thoughts.
Sincerely and desparately looking for feedback seeing I have only told one person other than my boyfriend.

Last edited by unexpected; January 15th, 2012 at 10:23 PM.
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January 14th, 2012, 05:05 PM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Sterling Heights, MI
Posts: 19,640
if you are going to have an abortion, please don't do it for him; do it because it's the best option for you. i had an ex force me into one, and it's the biggest regret and most painful thing i've ever been through.
i got pregnant again a year later, and much to his dismay, i kept the baby. i left him a few months later, and he moved and changed his phone number, & never told his family we had a child. i don't mind being a single mom at all though. i have my precious kids all to myself, and they've got great male role models in my family members.
wishing you all the best! take your time deciding.
msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child

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January 14th, 2012, 06:09 PM
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
JustjaQ, thank you for your point of view. I have been looking at this decision as something I want and can live with.

Last edited by unexpected; January 15th, 2012 at 10:24 PM.
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January 14th, 2012, 09:30 PM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Clovis, CA
Posts: 37,585
Send a message via AIM to navywifey2003
I would say go with your gut. I have a feeling you will regret the decision. Good luck to you.

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January 15th, 2012, 11:52 PM
MauMama's Avatar formerly La_Sirena
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Aotearoa
Posts: 317
I think it's a regret sort of thing.

Say you go on to do your Masters and suddenly you're 42, with a new, local boyfriend and you think, wow, 42 and I doubt I can have a child without intervention like timed IUI with injectibles or IVF.

Will you, at that moment, regret having an abortion?

And, say you're 42, older, greyer, single with a child, bills and still have that divorce debt to pay off. You're working part-time and some days you wonder why the hell you got out of bed because you're so tired and run ragged. Will you, at that moment, regret not having an abortion?

Do nothing FOR him. It's about your life too. You will be the primary caregiver. He will be in and out of your life regardless of whether you are pregnant or not. It doesn't sound like he's in for the long-haul, so why does he get such a say?

He could turn around and tell people you cheated on him if he wants nothing to do with the baby just as much as he may visit monthly or he may elect to do nothing at all.

It's your life.

Jen + Matt
Parents to Sophie, the Wondergirl
Asperger's Syndrome
Joint Hypermobility
GERD & Constipation

Angels Autum & Isla (2007)
+ 7 others (2002 - 2011)

Mama with arthritis & connective tissue disorder called TRaPS
I've been charting since Jan 16, 2001 and TTA since April 2007.
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abortion, single parent, unplanned

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