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to keep or not to keep... that is the question..

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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February 2nd, 2012, 10:53 AM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
Hi guys, I was googling questions to try and find an answer, and it led me to some previous blogs people had done, so i decided to sign up so i could post my own... I am 19 years old, I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months now. we had only been dating 1 month before we moved out west together. Things are going really well here, but just recently i found out i was pregnant. It caused a lot of emotional stress on us, and his family SAYS they support us either way, but when i talked with his parents they non stop said how we could get an abortion and we have such a bright future. my parents support us either way to the point that they are willing to sell the house they live in now so my boyfriend and i could move back home and we could live in an apartment basement (as we have dogs and a cat that are apart of our family already and we do not wish to get rid of them). After a week or two of confusion and upset, i decided to get an abortion, i am now set up for a date which is next week, and i just had my first ultrasound and i found out i am not 6 weeks but 9 weeks, big jump and it makes me have some major second thoughts. I have unfortunately already gone through an abortion, it was an accident and i was no longer dating the father, i lived with my parents, i didnt have a job and i was still in highschool, the answer was no doubt an abortion. but even though i never second guessed myself in that situation.. i still feel guilty about it, and every mothers day, i wish i could be celebrating the fact that i was a parent. every time i see a young mother with her beautiful child it breaks my heart. I told my boyfriend yesterday that i am having second thoughts and he is furious, we have a great relationship and i love him very much and would like to spend the rest of my life with him, but we do not see eye to eye on this one and he is convinced that we can not make it financially and he is not ready emotionally. I agree with him on some terms there, that is why i had ultimately decided to get another abortion, but i know it will haunt me for the rest of my life. even after i made my final decision, i kept thinking of any possible ways we could make it work. i know there are lots of financial supports out there, including my parents who are very supportive.. but i am not sure that being a single mom with no education, living in the basement of my parents house without the love of my life, is the right life for me.. it is a gamble, my boyfriend MAY stay when he sees his little baby for the first time, or he may leave before he even gets a chance to see it. I am not sure what to do, it is also hard being so far away from home, any advice or stories of similar struggles is much appreciated. being so far away makes me feel so alone on this and its helpful to hear that im not and that other people have gotten through this, as of right now, i see no light at the end of my tunnel. thank you!
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February 2nd, 2012, 10:35 PM
Leogirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,163
Hello and welcome! It's very normal to go back and forth when you are faced with this type of choice. You really need to step back and look at what YOU really want. You've already had an abortion and you know how it effects you. Can you live with it again? Do you want to keep the baby? Do you feel that your BF is forcing to have an abortion? Never let anyone else's opionon sway you on this. If you don't want to have it that's the end of the story. You really should talk with an abortion counselor before you make any real choices. You have time (depending on your state) to make an informed choice.

Have you fully concidered other options? There is adoption and having you baby as well. If you choose adoption you'd be making someone's dream come true. Most adoptive parents will pay all of your medical expenses, living expenses, and some will provide money for school/vocational training. Open adoptions are very popular these days and this allows you to remain in contact with the child. In most cases you can get as much or as little as you want. I have 2 friends who have went this way and one is like an aunt to her child and the other has less contact but gets emails, pictures, and usually see's her child about once a year.

If you choose to keep your baby there is lots of help out there if you ask. You should qualify for medicade/state insurance to pay for pre and post natal costs. You can sign up for the WIC program which provides food for pregnant and breastfeeding women and for infants and children up until the age of 5. They will give you vouchers for ceareal, milk, juice, eggs, beans, peanut butter,and other items. They also provide infant formula if you choose to formula feed. In some states they provide diapers and car seats.

Whatever you choose to do just make sure it's what YOU and no one else wants and that you are informed on all possiblities. Good Luck!

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February 3rd, 2012, 03:04 AM
MauMama's Avatar formerly La_Sirena
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Aotearoa
Posts: 317
I'm going to ditto Leogirl. The pain of the previous abortion may be compounded by the loss of this baby as well. It could also be compounded by the idea of adopting out the baby, but the gift of adoption is something so huge and powerful it cannot be underplayed.

Have a look at the infertility forums on here and see if you can speak with a counselor for a couple sessions. You do have time and you need to move slowly.

Good luck to you.

Jen + Matt
Parents to Sophie, the Wondergirl
Asperger's Syndrome
Joint Hypermobility
GERD & Constipation

Angels Autum & Isla (2007)
+ 7 others (2002 - 2011)

Mama with arthritis & connective tissue disorder called TRaPS
I've been charting since Jan 16, 2001 and TTA since April 2007.
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February 3rd, 2012, 03:46 PM
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 29
It sounds like you want to keep the baby, but are just scared.
If your family is supportive then great! Having a baby doesnt mean you won't be able to continue your education, maybe grandma is willing to watch the baby while you work or go to school?
There are worse things than living in your parents basement.
Being a mom is nothing to be afraid of. It's a huge responsibility but if your family is willing to support you then they will share that responsibility. Make sure you have a good long talk with them though and make sure you are on the same page as far as expectations. They are the ones who will be there for you if your boyfriend decides not to be. Your life would change in a big way but its a GOOD thing.
What you would get in return is love, from your child. It's all worth it. It's hard to explain to someone just exactly what is good about being a mother. Yes there are midnight feedings and diapers to change and fussyness to soothe. But there is also that first time your baby smiles at you, hearing her say her first word, dancing with your baby, holding her. It is very satisfying being a mom and feeling that love. If you want to experience that don't be afraid.
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