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Thinking about abortion. My story


Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy

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  • 1 Post By momof8lopez
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  #1  
February 15th, 2012, 07:53 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Hello all,

OK. wow. Never thought I'd be starting a thread like this one... Here goes. Sorry about the length.

I am a recently married 27 year old mother of 2. My oldest daughter, from a previous relationship, is almost 9 years old. My youngest daughter, from my current husband, is going to turn 1 next moth. I have been a mother since the tender age of 18. I feel like my life has been a constant struggle of raising children. Since I'm being extremely honest in this post I'll go ahead and admit that children just aren't my thing. Why have I had them? well... Sometimes I wonder that myself. I would not consider myself a bad mother, just one that finds it extremely hard to devote myself 100% emotionally to my kids. I think that I care for them impeccably, but sometimes worry that I am not emotionally fit for parenting. Their welfare is my top priority and making them feel safe and secure is important to me. They are healthy and happy children. But I just don't feel it inside; which is something I will hide from them forever.

Growing up I was abandoned by my father at a young age. I was left with a mother who decided that she didnt want to have a child ay more. She left me to fend for myself at the age of 8. She focused more on going to bars ad her friends houses. For example: I lived in a tree fort I found in the woods near our apartment complex for 9 moths at the age of 10. There was no one at home (she would leave me for weeks on end) and I felt safer in the woods than I did in the apartment. Basically I spent my youth living as a savage little beast with very little social skills.

Upon entering high school I was always very popular with the boys. Not because I was a popular girl, as I was still a loner, but because I was very attractive and apparently considered eccentric in a "cool" way. I reality, I just had no real social skills. In 11th grade a boy caught my eye who reached out to me and insisted on me meeting his family. Over time I became comfortable with them as they included me in all family activities and events. They quickly convinced me that I needed to move in with them and learn how to behave in polite society. I was only 16. They were an upper class immigrant family who had recently moved to the states. For whatever reason they considered my silence a sign of grace and considered my good looks to be beneficial to "the family". After living with them for a year in which I was taught the correct way to eat ad socialize, their youngest son proposed to me. Terrified of losing the only family I have ever had I accepted. Thus at the age of only 17 I was married. Withi7 the year I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. The pregnancy was terrible with extreme complications including pre-eclampsia, pulmonary edema, pneumonia, and a horribly painful c section. I ended up spending a month in the hospital while my baby was being tended too by my overbearing mother in law. Little did I know that although they found me to be an exemplary wife, my mother in law had decided that I would make a unfit "America parent" and decided that my daughters care would be left up to her. After almost 9 years of being married to their son under their roof the whole time, living a life that I never wanted, never feeling close to my child I could no longer tolerate it. I filed for divorce and the family pulled ranks upon me. After filing my husband immediately started dating an 18 year old who my ex-mother in law praised for being beautiful and young. I found myself once again lost.

Within weeks of my divorce I sought comfort with my closest fried of the past few years. A close male friend of mine through high school. One who I always felt I could relate too. He made me feel safe and more importantly normal. He knew my feelings of abandonment and that even though I had been a mother for 7 years I had ever once felt like a mother before. Just a stranger baby sitting for another families child. Within months he proposed, and I accepted for once without any misgivings. I found myself pregnant a few months later. Somewhat excited while also feeling afraid I would not bond with this child, as I hadn't with my first, I experienced a pregnancy with no outside interference. After another pregnancy wrought with complication, (pre-eclampsia again) I had an emergency c-section at 37 weeks. The surgery did not go well and I almost bled to death. I did not even know a body contained that much blood. Once again I had another birth from hell. I bonded much more strongly with my baby that I did my older girl. But still felt fragile.

My husband and I married in December of this last year. I was on birth control at the time because I could not bear the thought of having another child. Pregnancy made me sick and the c-sections were terrifying. I have still had trouble bonding with my baby and find it difficult to give her the attention she deserves. It was with a heavy heart I learned last month that I became pregnant on my honeymoon. I was on birth control and am devastated that this has happened. I don't feel ready. I don't feel prepared. I have tried to calm myself down and find pleasure but I just can't. I think about it every day with feelings of nothing more than distaste. I am not pleased and believe that I will find no joy in this baby at all. I didn't feel this way with either of my daughters and you can see the emotional trouble I have with them. I try to be available for them and take their concerns seriously but in the end I would rather be spending my time outside alone. I crave silence ad isolation and I find it impossible to find it right now. All I have ever seemed to want is to enjoy the silence in my life. When my daughter asks me to play I tell her that I will, but then I just sit there not sure what I am supposed to do. Even my baby has learned that crying will make me flee in a panic. I cannot tolerate crying or hysterical laughter that comes from children.

My problem right now is this new pregnancy. I am financially struggling at the moment as I try to finish my PhD. I have no idea what the future holds for me. I feel like an indifferent parent. And I am terrified at the thought of another surgery after having one so recently in which I almost lost my life. I never thought myself as a candidate for being the mother of 3 children. I don't even particularly like children. This pregnancy is already starting hard and my OB says I can expect more major complications from the way my body is already reacting. (BP rising already) Most days I just want to abort and try to do as much damage control as I can. But the feeling of responsibility is strong in me and I am afraid that it is the wrong thing to do. I am hoping for some input from the other mothers on here. Is it normal to feel such displeasure at parenting? I am hoping that maybe the whole "perfect mother" concept is really just a idealistic scenario. That the trials and tribulations are those that everyone faces. Am I really just a bad person or is it normal to feel discontent? Was anyone else out there more afraid for their own life than for their baby's? I have been honest to you and I am hoping you will be honest back at me. Please don't use your religion to try to pick a fight or convince me. It will not work. I was not raised religious and I don't know how to respond to your beliefs.

Thank you
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  #2  
February 15th, 2012, 02:20 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,894
Im so sorry for your current situation. It took alot of courage to come here and write all your fears/concerns down. I can tell you that you sound alot like my mother. She had an identical childhood as you, plus being molested. Because of that, she never developed or had any maternal instinct. Her only instinct was to protect herself, understandably.

She and my father divorced when I turned 3yrs. old. She also had my brother just 10mo before I was born and my sister 2.5yrs after me. All before she was even 23yrs. old. She did try and abort me, but sinse there was no legal abortion in the early 70's, her plan did not work out, thank god! My grandparents raised me and my sibilings after the divorce, she walked away.

I started a relationship with her when I was 18. It was shaky at best, and eventually after having kids of my own, I felt absolutely no connection to her and have not had a relationship with her in 5yrs. now. The best thing she ever did was to give us up and let nurtering people raise us. I can relate to my kids emotions and love them in a way she could never do. I feel sorry for her, as therapy never helped her along the way. She was just not a mother in any way.

I believe some women are just not meant to be mothers at all, when they cant fix what is broken about them. Does not make them bad people, unless they dont seek help and give their children more than a clean home and food on the table.
Not being able to show emotion to your children will only create another you. There is nothing you do to "hide" this part of you from them, trust me, your 9yr old DD probably already has pre-disposed ideas on how to show emotion. There is nothing worse than feeling emotional abandement by your own mother, trust me. Physical abandenment is by far better. At least I got a shot at life and feeling love for my kids.

I pray you find help and are able to bond with your children, for their sake. As for this new baby, I would only say that if you dont feel you can take care of another baby, their are alot of options. Abortion does not need to be the only one. Although Im pro-choice completely, consider all of them.
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  #3  
February 16th, 2012, 12:03 AM
LauraTTCat42's Avatar Proud Host TTC-OM
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Can I recommend a book, if you haven't perhaps read it already. It is called Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life. It's by Dr Susan Forward. I read it because of my mother and how the way I was raised affected my outlook on the future being a mother. The book wasn't my saving grace or some miraculaous enlightenment that changed my whole life. But it did help me come to terms with some issues I had. Plus it gave me some private time to myself to wallow in grief, cry, get angry and basically get it all off my chest. Made me my own therapist in some way. Not saying this is right, just saying this is what worked for me.

There are those super-moms out there that do sports and outings with their children, bake for them and dote over their kids. I am not one of them. And because you feel you're not either doesn't make you a bad person. Discontent is a normal human emotion, the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens the unknown if only we had made a different choice. You need to find a way forward to find a level of acceptance of what-is.

I wish I could give you some fantastic advice on your current pregnancy, but I can't. Do what you believe is best for the current situation, as you are the only one that can live with your choices. I don't mean to sound harsh, but life is not all rosy and glam and sometimes we have to make less then desirable decisions. But you have to be able to look at back at your decision in 5 or 10 years time and believe it was the right one.
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  #4  
February 16th, 2012, 01:16 PM
JennLynn_'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Pickering, Ontario, Canada
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Have you looked into counselling for this? I would assume, given your history, that you have spoken with counsellors in the past? if not, perhaps having a non-judgmental third party would benefit you.

Secondly, Do what you feel is right in your heart. If You truly cannot go through this again, then don't.

Like said above, some people are just not meant to be parents. Some are, some aren't. It's not law that all women must have babies and be wonderful mothers.

Also, discuss it with your husband. I mean.. REALLY discuss it.

Sorry my advice is not very indepth or probably very helpful, but I just wanted to let you know i'm with you in whatever decision you make.
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  #5  
February 19th, 2012, 08:32 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 29
I don't have any advice for your current situation.
But after having three children and two c-sections myself (one of which didn't go well at all and I had bad complications and ended up in ICU) I can understand not wanting to have any more c-sections. You're afraid of the risk to your health which is understandable.
My husband and I decided to opt for a permanent form of birth control. If you for sure don't want any more kids then I would recommend getting your tubes tied or him getting a vasectomy, in the future.
This doesn't help you at the moment but may be something to consider down the road.
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  #6  
March 14th, 2012, 12:57 AM
Jinnah
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I'm sorry about everything you have been through... how awful. I agree with the posted that abortion is not your only option. There are so many people who cannot have children that really want to. Some people just do not want a lot of kids and that is fine. However, since this baby is already here, it would be huge for someone else if you chose adoption.

I have a friend that was in severe pain and was told if she had a hysterectomy, it would get rid of the pain. Since the pain was debilitating, she went through with it even though she wanted more kids. The horrifying part is that the hysterectomy did not help and she is still in the same pain as before... and now she can't have more children! She would love to adopt. Obviously, I'm not saying to give your child to her, I'm just saying this is one woman's story. There are so many others out there that would do whatever it takes if they could adopt. I think adoption is an amazing thing.

Anyway, I'll be quiet now, but I really hope you can come to peace with this pregnancy.

*hugs*
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  #7  
March 29th, 2012, 02:49 PM
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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I can't relate to your story as I was a very lucky child and had family around me all the time and as for connecting with children, well I've always connected with other people's children and I only just found out I am pregnant, so I can't comment on that. The only thing I can say is that you are an extremely strong woman and you've been through so much. I could say you should go speak to someone, but I know that doesn't solve everyone's problems, sometimes only makes them worse...

But I would like to comment on your current pregnancy. If the OB has already said that you're going to face complications, I would ask her/him, honestly if it is worth it. I know to all the mothers out there what I just said sounds horrible! But because of all the pain and everything you went through during your first two pregnancies and births, this could be a serious problem for you and I'm sure you've thought of this, but you could die...

My advice would be to talk to your OB, get his or her opinion and then have a really good conversation with your husband and get his opinion. Take them both into consideration, but in the end only you can make this decision.

I wish you the best of luck! Though I've only been here a short time, I know everyone will support you and be here for you regardless of your decision, I know I will be.

*hugs*
~CC~
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  #8  
May 3rd, 2012, 05:37 AM
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Join Date: May 2012
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I am currently facing the decision of whether or not to abort my 3rd pregnancy (I have 2 young sons). The difference is the idea of an abortion absolutely breaks my heart, but financially and logistically my family can't have another baby (and my husband wants me to have an abortion). I think as other posters have said that not everyone is emotionally available for motherhood - all you can do is the best that you can do, and make sure that you AND your children get counselling to help them realize it is not their fault either.

In my opinion you have a justified reason for having an abortion - if you died during this pregnancy you leave behind 2 children who depend on you...and it sounds like you may harbour resentment for this 3rd child if you keep it. Typically I would think adoption is the best option if it weren't for your serious pregnancy related health problems. I think if you are emotionally "ok" with having an abortion (and your husband is on board) then that is your decision to make.

I wish your family all the best!
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  #9  
May 31st, 2012, 08:30 AM
mommysc2's Avatar Mommy to 3 Blessings!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PlusBabyIs3 View Post
I am currently facing the decision of whether or not to abort my 3rd pregnancy (I have 2 young sons). The difference is the idea of an abortion absolutely breaks my heart, but financially and logistically my family can't have another baby (and my husband wants me to have an abortion). I think as other posters have said that not everyone is emotionally available for motherhood - all you can do is the best that you can do, and make sure that you AND your children get counselling to help them realize it is not their fault either.

In my opinion you have a justified reason for having an abortion - if you died during this pregnancy you leave behind 2 children who depend on you...and it sounds like you may harbour resentment for this 3rd child if you keep it. Typically I would think adoption is the best option if it weren't for your serious pregnancy related health problems. I think if you are emotionally "ok" with having an abortion (and your husband is on board) then that is your decision to make.

I wish your family all the best!
I read your previous post........what did you decide?
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