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40 yrs old; shocked to be preg with #3

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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  • 1 Post By Kate76
  • 1 Post By hollyfred

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July 24th, 2012, 09:22 PM
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
Hello. I have 2 boys ages 7 and 3. We are surprised to find that I am pregnant (diaphragm failed). We did not want to have another child, but have not gotten around to any permanent (surgical) form of birth control. Our marriage is rocky, with some big recurring issues regarding expectations/extended family/communication, etc. Our marriage has actually been rocky since just after the birth of our first child. Our boys are very demanding and the older one is very challenging behaviorally, actually causing a lot of fights between my husband and I. We are financially making it barely, with little to no savings or emergency fund. My husband has been on me to find part time work, but I am emotionally overwhelmed every day just doing the daily tasks of kid and house care. I feel stressed constantly about what is NOT getting done--it saddens me because I do feel like I"m missing out on "life" and the kids growing up because of it. I have very little patience for my boys and often cry because I'm not being a "good mommy" to them (screaming and focusing too much on my "to-do" list) My husband very practially wants to end this pregnancy. I don't think he feels any emotional strain over the decision. I feel the practical reasons are all so evident as far as finances and our house size and the current level of stress/distress/yelling/fighting in our home. However, I "theoretically" want to have this third child. I just really don't know how I can handle it emotionally and physically. I feel it would put a bigger strain on our marriage, and I believe keeping it together is very important for the boys we already have. I kind of feel like i have to make this sacrifice (have an abortion) for the good of the family. But I know I will always wonder "what-if". Also, I am 40 now and worry about having a difficult preg (first two I was lucky) or a child with any kind of "problem"--I hate to say it, but I know for sure our marriage could not survive the stress of a child with special needs....Has anyone been through this and felt that it was the right thing to do to terminate for the good of the family, even though your heart is not 100% on board as far as giving up on this new little baby?
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July 25th, 2012, 04:25 AM
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 75
An abortion is a huge, huge decision. Sure, in some ways it could be looked at as easier or practical - I have many of the same reasons you do to not want to be pregnant right now. But there's just so much more to it than that.

For me personally, I could not do it. Whether my little surprise is wildly inconvenient or not, I have to see their entrance into my life as a gift. But for you, it could be entirely different. All I can say is that you have to do what's right for you, not for someone else, even if it's your husband. If you think it over for a while, and your heart just sinks every time, it may not be the right call for you. Or vice versa. But don't let anyone else tell you what the best thing is - they don't know what's best for you.

Best of luck either way and big hugs to you.
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July 25th, 2012, 03:54 PM
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
No one here lives in your home....or sees the struggles you have to deal with each day. I think that trying to make a decision based on the over-all well-being of your family is a good place to start. There is more involved then just your body. You are the only one who truly knows your limits.

I also found myself frustrated by my boyfriends "lack of emotional strain" when we were talking about whether or not to terminate my pregnancy...so I understand exactly what you are talking about there.

My heart goes out to you right now....you have some very tough decisions to make! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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July 27th, 2012, 03:35 PM
Baby Boy Coming in March!
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Phoenix-Metro area
Posts: 1,842
I don't have much to add, but I hope you make the decision you're most comfortable with. g/l!

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October 19th, 2012, 10:12 AM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 2
I would love to hear your update. What you wrote is almost exactly like me. I have 2 boys, 5 1/2 and 2 1/2. The older one is very demanding. Marital problems that began shortly after our first child was born. I am 39. I am also scared of having a special needs child, but I am not high risk and in fact had a beautiful home birth with my second baby that was beyond easy. We are very stressed financially due to the economy and unemployment. I found out I was pregnant about a month ago. I cried and cried. I felt like I needed to focus on keeping life together for my boys and was worried I couldn't with the stress of a new baby. I immediately started looking online for something herbal that might encourage a miscarriage. I was only 3 1/2 weeks along. My husband and I talked and talked. We decided to terminate as long as the sonogram really did validate that the pregnancy was super early. We both decided if there was a heartbeat or anything beyond...we would just have the baby because emotionally it would be too hard. As suspected, there was only a sac on the sonogram and nothing more. We decided to do the pill. It wasn't what I would call easy. I have thought a lot about it since and sometimes I feel so happy that the option was available to me and I feel like I have made the right decision for the family( my husband helped too). Other times, it is harder. Coming on here and seeing the due date club for other women that are due around the time I would have been stings a bit. I don't think I have finished processing it, but I can't say that it was a mistake to terminate. My mistake was not being more careful and us putting ourselves in such a gut wrenching and difficult position to have to decide this one way or the other. Most of the time, I am not thinking about it. I have two little boys and am extremely busy with them. When I do think about it, there are hard feelings sometimes, but I am not overwhelmed by them. One thing I remind myself of is that my husband and I spent a lot of time discussing this. We had very valid and concerning reasons that termination seemed like the best thing to do for our family. I remind myself that I can choose to feel the way I want to feel about it. I can start questioning what if and create self doubt and anxiety over a decision that has already been made and cannot be changed or I can put one foot in front of the other, be grateful for the second chance I have been given to be the kind of parent I want to be to the children I already have and work towards digging us out of our current financial issues more effectively, etc. I can't go into a ton of detail here, but I have found unexpected lessons to be learned through this process.

Would I do it again in the future? No. I told my husband and he feels the same...that this is a decision that you should only have to weather once in a lifetime...because it IS hard. Just because a decision is hard though...does not mean it was wrong.

It is hard to find stories online from women who have terminated and feel okay about it. They are out there, but I think that there is so much shame dumped onto women for choosing this from others and from themselves, that it is hard to be that person that says..I did this and I am okay. Would I ever suggest someone else do it? Never. That is not my decision to make. The decision to have a baby or not needs to be completely your's and your partner's decision. I am only writing to say that terminating has not been a devastating event for me...not at this point and I anticipate things only getting easier.

I was someone who said I would NEVER terminate a pregnancy for any reason, but I found out I was wrong. I am already a mom and I am completely dedicated to raising my children to the best of my abilities and I truly felt that the added stress of another person joining our lives as they are now (with so many big stressors that will not be easily resolved) would be the straw that broke the camel's back. I can't let my boys' lives fall to pieces for mine and my husband's oversight one night. It just didn't seem fair to them. Hope all is well for you and that whatever decision you made, is one that you feel at peace with. Hugs.

There are many people out there who will try to make you feel really terrible for even considering to terminate. I think their hearts are in the right places, but I think their words and tactics can be incredibly hurtful and damaging in ways that they cannot understand. The older I get, and I am sure you can appreciate this too, the more and more I fully understand and appreciate the idea that you really can't judge another person accurately until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Again...many hugs. I am sure that regardless of which direction you have chosen, there were a lot of emotions involved and that's just a hard thing.
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abortion, marriage, over 40, stress

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