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Heart and head telling me two different things

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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October 20th, 2012, 10:54 AM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Hi everyone. I come to you all with a very heavy heart looking for some thoughts or advice. I am 40 years old and I have three dd's 16, 13, and almost 8. I am a single mom having my kids every other week. Well about May of next year their dad is moving to Germany so at that time I will have all three gilrs fulltime. I am unemployed at the moment and struggling. I go to school and will have my Bachelor's degree in May in Criminal Justice. I am 11 weeks pregnant and have an abortion scheduled a week from Monday. I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now. He is amazing, loving, respectful, and supportive. He lives about an hour and a half away and he has been working 6 days a week sometimes 15 hour days so I don't get to see him much lately. He loves my girls and they love him. He is currently going through a custody battle with his ex gf. They have a 3 yr old dd. He is a great dad and definintely wants more kids, but not while going thru his battle. We found out I was pregnant about 6 weeks ago. His reaction surprised me. He was so upset and immediately was talking like there was no way we could do this under all the circumstances. No money, childcare for the baby, his custody battle, me starting a new career shortly after the baby would be born. He has a big heart and has been there for me. This is hard for him too, but having a baby right now makes no sense. I have only told my Aunt about this and two of my friends. They all feel the same way, terminate!

My head knows this is the right thing to do but my heart will not follow! I love this baby so much! I love being pregnant and I love the thought of bringing our baby into this world, mine and his! I am so scared of how I will feel after I terminate. I am so scared that I will regret it and end up in a spiral of depression. I don't want to terminate this pregnancy!! It breaks my heart! Logically, I need to go through with this, but emotionally, I don't want to! I dont know what to do! All my life I have led my life with my heart. I have never made decisions with my head. He would be there for me as much as he could if I decided I couldn't do it, but he wouldn't be around very much which is also a part what bugs him about having a baby now.

Just looking for some thoughts. I have even thought about telling more of my family to see what they would say, but now that the procedure is scheduled, I'm running out of time. I have been lurking on the May 2013 due date boards as it has been a comfort being a part of their pregnancies and their excitement.

Sorry this was so long. Hopefully it all makes sense!
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October 20th, 2012, 12:15 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,154
I have no useful advice or wisdom to offer, but I just want to tell you that I'm so sorry you're struggling so much with this. My heart hurts for you.

If you were to share what you're facing with some other family members and friends, is there any chance they could help you out if you were to maintain your pregnancy? What about your boyfriend's family - would they be able to help support you and the baby with assistance in some way (financial, or child care, or household help, or whatever)? Just trying to think of some additional potential options for you.

Whatever you decide, I hope you're able to find peace, and I hope for comfort for you. Take care. *hugs*
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October 20th, 2012, 01:27 PM
Leogirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 3,163
Your local Planned Parenthood or women's clinic (most likely the place where you have the appointment) usually provide pregnancy counseling for free or low cost. They will be able to go over all of your options with you and give you all of the info you need to make the right choice for you.

Just throwing this out there but have you considered adoption? This would allow you to continue the pregnancy and give a family a very amazing gift. In most cases you would pick the family and many people are willing to have open adoptions where you would be more like an aunt or cousin to the child.
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October 20th, 2012, 09:09 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4,134
I don't have much input-- haven't experienced this before. But I guess here is some food for though--

I have seen and read soo many stories about women who have gone through with abortions when they didn't fully committ to the idea.. their hearts wanted the child. There can be a lot of heartache, regret and what ifs. This happens a lot when the women felt a strong connection to the pregnancy. Like Leogirl, maybe you could consider an adoption? Also, remember that situations in life are temporary, a child is not. It seems like you have some positive things coming in the future, a college degree, a supportive and loving partner. The excitement of the pregnancy may come a little later on and your s/o could change his mind.

This is such a personal decision.. and no one can tell you what to do. There are support groups on this website that can help you post-abortion to work through the feelings that follow. There are also forums for unplanned pregnancies that can be of some support if you continue.

Just please do some research, and look up some counseling options if you are feeling conflicted.
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JaxonJocelyn Gabriel Grayson and Scarlett

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October 20th, 2012, 09:14 PM
sandel07's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 407
I completely understand the mixed emotions. i have 2 sons who are 12 and 14 and found out i was pregnant at 40. after several planned pregnancies that ended in miscarriage i had decided i was done trying and didn't want any more children. i told myself i couldn't have a baby now and didn't want too i even scheduled an appointment t terminate. i previously posted here myself if you want to see my story. the best advise i can give is to do what is best for you-give yourself more time to think....if termination is not what you want you may never be able to get over it. if you like feel free to pm me. best of luck!!!
Sandy-43 years young
BF-Ryan 38

Sons Noah 14 & Drew 16
Miracle baby Ella arrived Mar 22, 2013

7 losses at 4 to 7 weeks (feb 05, July 10, Oct 10, April 11, Oct 11 Feb 2012, Jan 2015)
No explanation for losses

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October 21st, 2012, 05:57 PM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
Thanks for your responses ladies. Adoption would b=never work for me. If carried this baby to term and delivered there is NO way I could give him or up to anyone else. My s/o really has no other family around. His mom is around but she is older and he is an ony child. I really do not know what others in my family would say. Probably would not be happy considering all the negatives in my situation. So confused!
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October 22nd, 2012, 08:27 AM
Missa_Mae's Avatar First Time Mommy!
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 3,062
I would def consider some pregnancy counseling before going through with the termination. Termination is permanent, you can't change it once it's done.

I had an abortion when I was 19 - but I wasn't pushed into it ... I knew it was the best option for me being so young. I struggle with it now because I have my first baby on the way but it's a different struggle, not regret.

However, if you're having 2nd thoughts I would cancel the appointment. Go with your heart ...
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Oh, Sweet Child of Mine

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October 22nd, 2012, 03:07 PM
mrsjl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Posts: 4,917
if you are already regretting it, then to me that is a clear answer.
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mom to
Rebecca (11/22/07) Nathan (7/31/10) & Thomas (5/3/13)
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October 23rd, 2012, 06:25 PM
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 21
Oh, I'm so sorry you're faced with this tough decision. It's definitely not something to rush into, and I'm glad you're thinking through your options. I know someone else mentioned this earlier, but have you ever thought about adoption? Or, just to begin with, maybe chat with someone at a local pregnancy resource center? They usually have a lot of info and assistance to offer women in your shoes. So, just FYI. Well, know that someone out there is praying for you, friend! ((Hugs))!
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October 23rd, 2012, 09:58 PM
Athme's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: St Paul, Minnesota
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I PMed you. <3
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October 24th, 2012, 11:11 PM
carissaluis's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 112
Comfort :'( I hope you'll make the right decision. *hugs*
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October 26th, 2012, 05:05 PM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3
I just found out recently that I'm pregnant, definitely NOT planned. I am, however, keeping my baby. At first my boyfriend went crazy and attempted to pressure an abortion, though I knew from the second I found out that wanted to keep this baby, even if I was shocked and scared. I'm 21, my boyfriend is 20. Yesterday I saw my baby, and I knew there way no way in hell I could doubt myself. I chop and change my mind a lot when alone, but I'm doing what's best for me and this baby. As far as I'm concerned, men can come and go, but a child will love you unconditionally for life. Do you think they care about how much money you have, or what they wear? I don't think so. I think that is your boyfriend is so great, he will be there to support you no matter what, and that he should've thought twice before not protecting both of you from this.

My mother was a horrible mother, but the biggest thing I respect her for is not terminating me at 17.

I'd go with my heart, only you get to make this choice, sometimesbits lonely for me, but if I can do this, you can too.

Due June next year
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October 27th, 2012, 08:20 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 544
I myself, have never had an abortion(could never either due to personal and moral and religious beliefs) but I wanted to say good luck with whatever decision you make. If you have ANY doubt whatsoever then you should NOT abort. I know people who have aborted and at the time were CERTAIN that it was the right choice who are now, years later suffering with depression and regreat for having done so. Every year that goes by they say "Oh my baby would have been 10, or 15, or 20." Its a difficult decision that only YOU can make..dont let anyone else MAKE you feel pressured into doing it..its your body....please keep us posted....
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Last edited by Karenna; October 27th, 2012 at 08:23 AM.
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November 2nd, 2012, 10:56 PM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Somewhere in the universe =P
Posts: 192
My heart goes with you for this dilemma. I never tried abortion and probably never will try; your situation is different with mine. Whatever you'll decide out for this, if dh really loves you, he'll be with you til the end. Good luck!
I have the best job in the world the second time! -- and I'm lovin' it!
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November 3rd, 2012, 09:55 AM
eshute's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2,029
I'm sorry you're going through this. My baby's dad asked me to get an abortion and I refused. I know I couldn't forgive myself, but that's just me. You have to do what is right for YOU. I agree that if you have any doubt, you shouldn't do it. I have one friend in particular that let her boyfriend push her into an abortion and she regrets it to this day. She has two beautiful boys now, but I know she still wonders about the baby she aborted. It's all a personal choice. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find the answers you need.
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November 7th, 2012, 09:30 PM
slmehaffey's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,064
I agree that you should go with your heart, you know what it is to love and raise a child already, can you imagine your life without your daughters? never kissing the boo boos, never hugging them good night? I know you have probably already thought about this stuff, but I think about it daily, not for an abortion, but for an unplanned ectopic pregnancy that ended on its own during a surgical proceedure to remove it. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking that I chose to get rid of my child to save my own life... I can't imagine the pain you are in trying to choose what will be best for your own situation.
I hope you will find a way to keep your baby... but maybe that is selfish of me, because I miss my baby so much.
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November 8th, 2012, 06:52 AM
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 12
Please come back to update us. It sounds like you have made your decision, but best of luck in what you decide!
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November 8th, 2012, 08:33 AM
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 495
Just one comment: If the battle is between your head and your heart, and your user ID here is "My Heart," I think that speaks a lot for which one you should follow.

Sometimes it's the subconscious things we do that can bring our best choices into light.
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