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Should I keep my baby?

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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December 17th, 2012, 09:23 PM
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and are planning on getting Married in 2014. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 24

I have a disability so I do not work, however, I have finished high school and I have worked before. I have been receiving disability for over 3 years. My boyfriend works casually as a removalist but needs to find a full time job so we can live together. I currently live with my mum and he lives with his mum.
We have lived together before but had to move out separately because the house we lived in got demolished earlier this year. he doesn't work consistently enough yet to afford rent on another place for us (I earn more than him and I only get $590 a fortnight). I have been waiting and hoping that he will find a full time job as he is a picture of health...

I have just found out I am pregnant. I want more than anything to be a mother. But I am scared of keeping it because my boyfriend and I do not live together and he hasn't looked for a full time job yet, so we are hard up for cash. When I told him about the pregnancy he told me that he didn't feel we are in the position to keep it due to my disability and his lack of money/ career.

I know I will be an excellent mother, and the thought of having a disability and being a mum doesn't scare me. Before I found out about the pregnancy I day dreamed of staying home with my child, teaching her or him the ways of the world, and looking forward to milestones such as my child's first day of school.
But now that I am pregnant it is so real.
I have told my dad about the pregnancy and he thinks I should have an abortion because its not the right time in our life's.
I have been told that I will ruin my life, my boyfriends life and more importantly I will ruin my baby's life. I don't want to be selfish and have a baby for the sake of having a baby and I don't want to ruin anyone's life's...

I just don't know what to do... If I keep my baby will I be ruining our life's?
Is it the most sensible thing to have an abortion?
I am terrified of having an abortion, and I'm scared about having a baby...

Due to my physical disability and the stress pregnancy will have on my body I would only carry a baby to full term if I could bring up my baby. ( I will probably need to be in hospital for bed rest for the last trimester of my pregnancy)
So adoption is not an option in my circumstance...

My mum is overseas until mid jan, so I haven't told her yet as I don't want to ruin her holidays....

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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December 18th, 2012, 09:30 AM
SarahxSyanide's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 670
I'm disabled as well. I broke both my hips last December and got pregnant in February. I had my baby girl on Halloween. My DH and I live together now, but we weren't when I got pregnant. I don't work and we still make it work.
He just lost his job so neither one of us have an income but were working on it.

I believe you can make the situation work. I really do. I don't believe you will ruin the babies life or your own. That is a stigma to place fear onto woman.
I'm only 22 and I can tell you that it's hard, you do miss things, but knowing you're doing it because you made a little person is worth it.

What kind of disability do you have if you don't mind me asking?

If you'd like to pm you can.
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December 18th, 2012, 02:32 PM
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 49
Babies do NOT ruin lives. I was told by my own mother that I would be doing that because I was pregnant. My son is turning 3 next month and she is always over joyed at seeing him. Tunes change quick when a little squishy smiley baby is in their lives.

It is YOUR decision. I kept my child. My son's bio dad was and is a deadbeat. He was into drugs n alcohol. He spent all our money on his habits. I had to get handouts from young mother programs, use food banks. Struggle on assisstance.

With the right man though you can make it work. Money or not.

I am thankful for my son. Even though he has some issues we are dealing with, being a mother is the best thing in the world.

Plus I am kind of against abortion, I try and be pro - choice but to me a baby deserves a chance. Very few circumstances get my approval of such a strong choice.
And having financial struggles is a part of life for everybody.. it shouldn't hold you back from a family.

And as far as disability, i am waiting for my ODSP. I have several issues that make having and raising a child a little more difficult but with the right support you can acheive anything
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December 19th, 2012, 05:59 AM
Missa_Mae's Avatar First Time Mommy!
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 3,062
I don't think any of us can make the decision for you - this is something you have to decide.

If you want this baby and don't want an abortion then don't have one. Know that it'll be hard, especially with finances but if you are 100% committed to this baby you'll make it work somehow, with or without the father.
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Oh, Sweet Child of Mine

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December 19th, 2012, 06:29 PM
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Thanks for your advice... I told my mum today and she wants me to keep it, dad still thinks its a mistake to keep it. I'm seeing my dr tomorrow to talk about it... I'm so happy that I have my mums support but my boyfriend isn't sure he's ready... SarahxSyanide.. I have perthes disease in my right hip
Will keep this post updated!
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December 20th, 2012, 12:09 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,142
Killing your baby would be ruining your baby's life. Raising and loving your child will in no way ruin your child's life or your own. I agree with previous posters that that is just a stigma intended to frighten a woman. Do not let yourself be talked into something you don't want to do! You have dreamed of being a mother, now rejoice-you are a mother. You have your mother's support. Your father will love that baby as soon as he or she arrives, if not earlier when he founds out that he has a grandson or granddaughter at the anatomy scan. If your boyfriend doesn't stick around then he wasn't worth the two years you put into him.
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December 20th, 2012, 03:47 AM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,915
Please keep your precious baby. I promise you will not regret it once your holding your son or daughter in your arms. Hang in there momma you can do this!

I have known women who chose life for their child and not a single one of them had regrets.
I have also known women who choose death for their child and they live with many regrets. One of these women is my sister and I can tell you I worry about her mental health all the time because she has not been the same person since.

I think any woman who is considering abortion should have to SEE what is actually happening during the procedure. If you have the stomach for it, search "The Silent Scream" parts 1-3 on youtube.
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December 20th, 2012, 08:00 AM
grizzy's Avatar Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 29
I don't have a physical disability but I do suffer from a mental disorder, the same my mother has. When I found I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I just moved into our first home together 3 months before and were financially stable. It wasn't the money I was worried about it was whether I would be a good mother or just be as abusive as my mother was to me because of mood swings. I considered adoption as the first option but my fiance wanted to keep her from the beginning. I still struggle with my mood swings in this pregnancy and she's so close to coming soon but as my baby has grown inside of me and I feel her move I noticed how much I want her here already. My dad's side of the family knows how I can be at times and they have been nothing but supportive when I go through doubts because they truly believe with great love and care I can do this. All I'm saying is whether you planned to have a child or not there will always be situations coming up and making it difficult to being a good parent but the truth is you will never regret it. This happened for a reason, go with your gut feeling of how much you want this child.
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December 21st, 2012, 03:41 PM
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Hi ladies, I went to the Drs yesterday and got a referral for some counselling because my boyfriend still doesn't know if he's ready.
I am now 99% sure I want to keep the baby, I think the other 1% is just fear of the unknown which I'm sure is normal...
I am 5 weeks pregnant today.....
I am hoping my boyfriend will tell me what he wants soon. He says on a scale on 1 - 10 (1 being abortion and 10 keeping the baby) hes on on 5.5...
I know ultimately its my choice to have the baby, but his opinion definatly matters to me and I would hate it if the choice was one sided... sigh... Men...
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December 21st, 2012, 04:16 PM
DeletedUser12345's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 2,668
sorry you're so torn. =(
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December 22nd, 2012, 06:44 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 2,153
While I am in a different marrital status and financial way, this baby was a bit of a surprise. I hate to say that part of me was waiting for a natural m/c (as I am pro-life). However, after I saw my 10 week and 12 week u/s (I am high risk - so I have more), I could chose no option other than to keep our baby and the thought of a m/c was depressing. At 5 weeks the pg is less than real and fear fills you. I am not saying motherhood is easy. It will change your life. However, if you let your heart love and guide you, the blessings you will receive are just so amazing.

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December 22nd, 2012, 04:43 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
Hi Sweetie - I know that you are in a tough situation and being pulled in all different directions is even harder.... You need to do what YOU want to do, not what your mom, dad, or boyfriend wants you to. And even if you end up a single mom you will not be ruining your babys life... I was a single mom for 15 years and I raised 3 really cool boys that are loving and kind and thank me all the time for such a great childhood they had!!

On the flip side I was in a situation as yours a long time ago and I listened to my parents and did a termination. I still cry all the time about it - I regret my decision and it hurts emotionally at times. Many think termination is an easy fix but the emotional toll it takes on a woman is not talked about. I am totally pro choice and again the best thing to do is what YOU want! It sounds like you will be a great mommy.

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
Do not ever give up hope...

Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.

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December 22nd, 2012, 10:47 PM
SarahxSyanide's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 670
Well I can tell you from first hand experience, you're pregnancy will be tough with your hip. If you experience pain on a regular basis from perthes disease, you may have a little more from the pregnancy. My acetabulars were fractured. I know have plates and screws to hold them together. It sucked during labor. I had to get pitocin, which are bad contractions in general, but with the fractures on top. Oh boy!

I'm 7 weeks post partum, and honestly, that pains seems like nothing now. I barely remember what it felt like. That's how powerful having a little baby is.

When I told my mom I was pregnant, she flipped. She called me horrible things and we fought for a long time. The further my pregnancy got the more my mom came around. Now she's absolutely in love with my daugther! I don't think anything else could make her so happy. The people who have doubts now, will change their minds I promise. I can't really give advice on the boyfriend part, as my boyfriend became my husband.

For a long time I went back and forth in my head about abortion and keeping the child. Even if you decide now to keep the baby, it's normal to go back and forth for a few more weeks.

I hope whatever decision you choose, it's the best for you.
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December 23rd, 2012, 12:31 AM
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Posts: 10
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December 23rd, 2012, 03:59 PM
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Thanks SarahxSyanide, it's really helpful to have advice from someone who has had hip problems before. It sounds like you had a hard time, but the benefits far outweighed the consequence on the body.
I know what you mean about having the choices fly around in your head...
Yesterday I told my boyfriend I'm pretty sure I want to keep it. he says the thought of being a father doesn't worry him, it's just he has so much he wanted to do without children. for example, he said he would like to have the freedom to travel alone, for a duration of more than 3 months.
I told him that there is no reason we couldn't travel as a family. My mum and dad went to Europe with me when I was a baby. infants fly free. In the case that he wanted t o go alone, I wouldn't mind it for a few weeks as my mum could help me. But if he wanted to go for 3 months and leave me with a child under 5 it would get to me...
I told him that this is not the end of his life and that you can still do fun things and enjoy life with a baby. It's just that we will have to modify things like going out for dinner and going out with friends to accommodate for a baby.
He was acting very scared and worried, but at the end of the conversation he said " I just have a feeling were keeping it".
I didn't want to push the topic because we still have a few weeks before a final descison needs to be made. But I did remind him it would be better to have an answer sooner rather than later so I can make the appointments for my baby and book in for our first u/s.
Has anyone else had their partner share the same concerns as my boyfriend?
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December 27th, 2012, 07:33 PM
SarahxSyanide's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 670
I think as a father, there are always concerns. Things aren't real until the baby is here. I really think you should weigh your options closely. You do not want to go through with the abortion and regret it later. I can't imagine what that would feel like.
Keep us updated. =]
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~Genevieve Violet Born October 31st at 10:42pm 10lbs 1oz 22inches.~
Breastfeeding for 5 months!
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December 31st, 2012, 01:32 AM
Libby22's Avatar Super Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Palmerston north, New Zealand
Posts: 9,438
babies being so much joy, Im gald im a mum I wouldnt change it. I think you need to stit down and think what you want and prop and cons. dont let anyone tell you what you should do its all up to you the mother. fathers dont get a say its your body.
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January 3rd, 2013, 10:54 AM
Join Date: Oct 2012
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Posts: 192
You know in your heart that you should keep your little angel. 5.5 is better than 5 - at least he is more on the keeping-the-baby side. You won't be ruining anyone's life, only your baby's if you will gonna abort him/her.
I have the best job in the world the second time! -- and I'm lovin' it!
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January 3rd, 2013, 11:08 AM
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Kansas
Posts: 49
This choice is obviously ultimately yours to make. I just urge you to really research abortion and the effects in can cause. Be sure it is something you can handle and do NOT let anyone talk you into it.
Met my DH Together ever since August 2002
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