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am i being completely selfish?

Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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February 17th, 2013, 09:49 PM
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: southern california
Posts: 300
please, honest opinions.

okay i'm new here. i'm 34 years old, divorced, single and mother to a 12 year old boy. a few days ago i found out that i'm about 12 weeks pregnant. i was not expecting it at all, my periods are pretty irregular. i don't even feel pregnant.

well the father is only 21, can barely take care of himself, lives with his parents. he's not my boyfriend, more like a fwb and he has a girlfriend. (i suspected the gf, but didn't know for sure until just recently.) anyway he was very sweet about the situation but naturally freaked out when i told him. he doesn't know how to or want to tell his gf or his parents. i don't blame him one bit with the age difference and all. and all he could ask me about was getting an abortion. he didn't say much else and i haven't heard from him in a few days now. i'm sure he'll call though.

when i was married several years ago and my son was about 2 years old, i found out i was pregnant. my husband, who was very controlling and physically abusive, found out he forced me to have an abortion. i'd found out later he'd been cheating on me and then he left my son and i about 6 months later. he hasn't even seen my son in about 6 years.

i've been single forever. i've always wanted another child ever since my horrible exhusband. the older i've gotten the more i realized i might not have the change to have another baby. but when i found out im pregnant now i was such a mix of emotions, happy and so excited but also scared to death. am i wrong for wanting to keep this baby? is it wrong or selfish of me to not really be concerned with what the father wants? i just can't go through the pain of another abortion again. i really like the father but i know there is no future with him. i can take care of the baby on my own, no problem. and he may come around at some point, he is a sweetheart. honestly he treats me better than any other man has before. i know things are a mess. what should i do?
mom to an awesome 13 yr old
and my pretty valentina (16 weeks early)

#3 edd 08/06/2015
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February 18th, 2013, 04:59 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 707
I don't think you are being selfish. You had a bad experience with your ex husband, and you shouldn't have to ever be forced into making that kind of decision. Let the father know of your choices and that you plan and keeping and raising the baby. After that it's his choice as to whether or not he wants to be involved and present in the baby's life.
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February 18th, 2013, 08:09 PM
DeletedUser12345's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 2,668
I definitely dont think you are selfish. You sound in a good position.. I say have the child and give the father the option of if he wants to participate or not.. If not, you can just cut the ties and treat it like you went to a sperm bank.. if he does want to be involved, I am sure you can arrange some sort of visitation plan. You both took part in making the baby.. now its your call as its in your body.
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March 18th, 2013, 11:01 AM
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 12
I hope you have the baby. What a blessing! You are strong and can do it yourself! Women are strong!!
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March 19th, 2013, 11:45 AM
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 1,228
If you can care for the child alone and want to do so, you are under zero moral obligation to abort. If you can make your choices not affect him, then you don't have to weigh his feelings when you make your choices.

It's unplanned and he has expressed a desire not to be a father at this time. If you can give him what he wants without aborting your pregnancy, do so - there's absolutely nothing selfish about it. It's your body, your life, your choice.

He might decide later that he wants in. You'll have the option of allowing it then or not.

If you don't want to abort, I caution you strongly against doing so. Seriously, at times like these you really have to follow your heart, and you'll suffer unfathomably if you don't. If it feels like going through with it is the right choice, then please do, and do your best to respect the spirit of his choices in the process (don't wreck up his life by telling his parents and girlfriend).

Just my $.02

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March 20th, 2013, 01:21 PM
eshute's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2,029
I don't think it's selfish at all. My boyfriend initially wanted me to have an abortion and we broke up for a few months after that because I simply wouldn't do it. I'd rather be a single mother than live with the abortion. I didn't think it was selfish, I just knew what was right for me. I gave him the option of being in the child's life or not. He stuck around and we're back together now and things are much better, but I'll never regret my choice of keeping this child. Do what is right for you. The father can choose to be in the child's life or not. As long as you're confident that you're ready and able to care for the baby on your own (you've been a single mom for a while already, so obviously it's not an issue), there's no reason you shouldn't keep the baby.

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March 24th, 2013, 10:52 AM
aislin22's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Germany, MN
Posts: 83
You are NOT being selfish at all!!! I do not see anything wrong with your situation at all. You already have a son, it sounds like you are a very loving and good mother. Have you told your son yet? He may be excited to know he will be having a little brother or sister. Your son could be a huge help too. Lots of kids grow up without fathers just fine. You and the father can keep an amicable partnership, even if there is no chance of him being a full time father.
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April 4th, 2013, 10:31 PM
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Saipan
Posts: 9
keep the baby cuz even if the dad can't support you and the child but the fact u can do it on ur own all hands up for u are one rocking mom that is wat we all need a dedicated parent married or single if u know u can manage go for it it just shows you are a better person and ur children will be so proud of u for you got to raise them all on ur own i admire you hope u take care and raise that baby of your to be as dedicated as u are
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