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Forum: Unplanned Pregnancy


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April 11th, 2007, 05:22 PM
Bianca's Mom's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 664
I posted this on the August DDC board and am just reposting over here now that I know there is this section on the forum. And I fit right into it!

I'm new around here and am expecting my first baby on August 27 - glad it's not earlier because I myself turn 30 on August 4th. Anyway, this was a surprise pregnancy - was on the pill and apparently was not diligent about taking it at the exact same time every morning and that was all it took. My ultrasound is next tuesday and I want to find out the sex, my boyfriend doesn't. Well too bad for him because I've had enough surprises and don't need another.

Onto my question, I really want to have my mom in the delivery room with me and not my boyfriend. He already assumes that he will there and I have no idea how to explain to him that he can be in the waiting room but not the delivery room - for that I want my own mommy coaching me through! She has agreed to it and is thrilled. Have others chosen to do what I want and if you are going to how did that go over with SO?

Right now I'm just feeling suffocated by my boyfriend, he's constantly asking me what's wrong and I'm annoyed that he is making all these assumptions about the future. I have no idea how to talk to him without sounding like I have a huge attitude problem. Truth is when I found out about the baby I already was leaning towards breaking up with him. Now he's expecting to move in with me and that the baby will have his last name because he assumes I will too eventually. Oh boy. I need him around because I can't afford this baby on my own, but I don't feel there is a future for us like he thinks there is. I am a very independent person and he's been smothering me lately and with the baby coming I feel like I am losing myself and my identity. I am no longer me! I treasure having time to myself and my mom understands how important that is to me so she has agreed to help out so I can get time to myself when the baby comes.

I haven't even really gotten excited about having a baby because to be blunt I never planned to have kids. My bf always wanted kids and before this I had agreed that I might be open to one kid a few years from now. I'm still sort of in denial that I'm pregnant - even though I've felt it and seen it on an ultrasound already - it still doesn't seem real. I'm so worried that I won't bond to my baby immediately like it seems everyone else does, so scared of that. My family and his family are all happy and thrilled about this and I just haven't gotten there yet. I'm terrified of what is yet to come. I don't know how to handle my relationship with my bf, it doesn't seem right to break up with him now but I don't want to marry him and at this point he is just driving me nuts.

Okay is that too much info or what! I have no one really to talk to about all my fears because all the pregnant people I have known were married and planned/hoped for their babies. They think I'm a bad person because I worry if I will love my baby. I hope I'm not the only one who has these feelings. I do know that this baby will be my only baby and I am demanding a tubal ligation after this is all done. I just hope everything will be okay and I will be a good mom.

And then this was a followup post from me:

At 29 I still feel too young to be having a baby! I haven't even started my own career yet - my graduation is in September although classes are officially over in June and I have to complete 2 internships over the summer. So the real job is being pushed aside for now till I feel ready after the baby is born and I'll just keep working my easy retail job till then. My mom has even tried to tell my bf that he needs to back off a little, but he doesn't take subtle hints. I know I have to sit down and have a talk with him because there are so many things bugging me. He's not even fully divorced yet even though he's been separated from his ex for 1.5 yrs. We've only been together for 8 months. There's just alot of frustration on my end. But I know the more I drag this out the worse it will be in the end. Oh and I know he will financially support this baby even if we are not together. He spends alot on his stepkids and they have both their mom and dad to provide for them - he has no need tosend money their way but does anyway. So I know that if he'd pay for kids that aren't biologically his the he'll pay for one that is. Though I'd like to see him spend less on the stepkids now that his own is on the way, but that's just a touchy situation.

Let me add that I have considered placing the baby up for adoption if I feel I really can't handle it. But I'm not sure that would happen. My bf would certainly fight over that one so I don't think it will happen.

Thank you BAM!

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April 12th, 2007, 03:56 PM
first_time_mom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: ireland
Posts: 5,136
well firstly i want to congratulate you and welcome you to the board.

i think you need to talk you your boyfriend, he might be acting this way because its generally what most women need when they're pregnant (i dont mean that theres something wrong with you or anything) and he may not realise how your feeling. or as men do, put it all down to hormones.

maybe a good talk will make things a bit easier. if not, then you can consider other options.
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Robyn, wife to Steven, mom to Jake (7th Aug 2007)
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April 14th, 2007, 01:25 AM
kimberley's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,843
You are SO not alone in feeling that way. The father of this baby would marry me tomorrow if I agreed, but I don't love him. So I will be doing this pretty much alone. I do have alot of support from family though. ANYway,,, I just wanted to say that it's okay to be afraid, and feel guilty for how you feel about the baby. I am still so worried about my feelings, and im nearly finished being pregnant! I didn't feel excitement or a connection with the baby at first at all. To be honest I am just starting to connect a little bit now. Im afraid that because I dont love the father, that I wont love the baby. And I have the hardest time trying to picture myself with a baby. But the more time goes on and you accept things for how they are and accept your own feelings, things seem to turn around, and feel more real.

It is really important that you don't jump into a serious relationship, or marriage with the father if you dont love him. That would be the biggest mistake. But it doesnt sound like the kind of person to do that, so good on you.

So basically, I just wanted to share that Im feeling some of the same feelings as you are, and that Im glad you found the boards cause they help alot. PM me anytime if you want.
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April 14th, 2007, 06:53 AM
Posts: n/a
I agree. I'm 21 weeks and I'm still not as connected with the baby as I would like to be or as I thought I would be when I had a child. I have a lot of emotional turmoil and unrest in my personal life and I know that has something to do with it. But it gets better and stronger every day and I know that I love the baby... I'm just not bonded with it if that makes sense. I'm not too worried though, I have time.
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April 14th, 2007, 06:07 PM
Bianca's Mom's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 664
Thanks that makes me feel so much better! I also do not love the father of my baby and I really don't want to continue the relationship/get married when I know I will be unhappy the rest of my life. I know he's a great guy, but just not for me. I need more personal space in a relationship than he is willing to give me. I just didn't want him in the delivery room with me because most days I get so irritated, frustrated and stressed out by him that I think it would do me no good to have him with me at that time. But I may loosen up by that time and just let him be there as long as he keeps his mouth shut. I just don't feel real connected to this baby yet. I do hope that changes once it's born because I want to be a good mom, I do.

Thank you BAM!

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April 14th, 2007, 07:11 PM
kimberley's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,843
Well, it all comes down to how you feel at the time in the delivery room. You'll know then. Just tell him that you're not promising anything. (I am having my mommy by my side too, she is my support person)
And the connection thing, the way I look at it, even if you dont feel much during pregnancy, you have your whole lives to get to know this little person. I think its jsut important to not to have "expectations" about how youre gonna feel. Just let things happen naturally. You might not feel TOTALLY IN LOVE with your baby right when he/she comes out, like it seems most women do, but thats ok! Its not like youre on the clock to feel comfortable with this HUGE life change, ya know?

sheesh i should take my own advice, i worry alot too
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