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Do i have the right to be upset?

Abortion Debate

This forum is for Abortion debate only. If you are highly sensitive about this topic, read at your own discretion.

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November 12th, 2010, 01:33 PM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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When i first told my mother i was pregnant, she quickly told me to get an abortion.

i told her that's just not something i would be okay with, and would not want to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I then asked her "would you get an abortion?", and she told me that she already had...twice.

I don't know why, but it really kind of hurt me that she had done that. I'm all about being pro-choice and a woman deciding what is right for her....but when she said that, it felt like potential siblings were taken away from me as well...not just a child taken away from her. And she didn't even really care. It was like it wasn't important at all.

I have 4 younger siblings and my mother had me at 16 so i don't even know when this could have happened but i have a feeling it was somewhat recent. (at least one of them).

I guess what i am trying to get at is, should abortion be something discussed with the rest of the family or is it all up to the woman? Should the father or any of the siblings (who are old enough to understand) be talked to about this as well. Is it ethically right or fair to disregard their feelings as well?

I personally think i'm torn on it.


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November 12th, 2010, 02:18 PM
Linzie's Avatar Veteran
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About two years ago I found out my mom had an abortion when she was 19. I didn't feel as upset as you are now, but I did kind of feel a sense of loss, like I was missing a sibling, and it scared me a little bit thinking *I* could have been an abortion. I did understand her reasons for doing it, and I don't fault her at all, but now there is that sense of "what if"?

As per the question, I think it should be up to the mother whether or not to discuss past abortions with her kids. The father should be included in the process in the first place, so yes he should be told. I don't think it is necessary to discuss with other children unless that situation comes up in conversation. I don't think it's right to lie if you have had an abortion or not, but it's up to the mother if she wants to tell her kids in regular conversation.

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November 12th, 2010, 06:09 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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You have a right to feel how ever you want to feel. No one can ever take that away from you. As for your question on the discussion, I feel that it is something that should only be talked about with the woman that is is pregnant and the father of that child. Siblings opinions do not count. I know that sounds harsh, but the fact of the matter is that the adults have to raise and pay for the potential new child, not the sibling(s).

Maybe your mom had those abortions before she had your other siblings. Like at the age of 17 and 18. I don't know I'm just venturing a guess here. But if she had you at 16 and then lets say she got pregnant again quickly, maybe she felt she wasn't ready for more children yet. Or maybe just her circumstances weren't right for her. Again, I'm just venturing guesses here, I don't know your family history.

My biological children are 8 years apart because I knew that I couldn't handle more than one child when I was a single parent. Ideally they would only be 3-5 years apart, but life didn't work out that way.

I guess what I'm getting at is that your mom had her reasons. She may have beaten herself up over and over again for her choices a thousand times over and has finally become secure in her choice. Or she could just be brushing it off like it's no big deal because that could be her way of coping. Try not to be upset with her for it.

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November 12th, 2010, 08:21 PM
DramaFreeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree with what both of you said.

I think it was initially a feeling of loss and sadness that i felt, and then it turned into a bit of anger when she had just shrugged it off. I didn't think about it as maybe her way of coping. She does tend to hide her feelings from me.

Siblings opinions do not count. I know that sounds harsh, but the fact of the matter is that the adults have to raise and pay for the potential new child, not the sibling(s).
I didn't think about it this way. I would say i agree with that.


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November 12th, 2010, 09:07 PM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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you have rights to whatever feelings you have.

however, you really need to not be hard on your mom. you have no idea how hard it was for her. maybe she's spent years upset on it. do you really want to judge her and add to whatever hurt she might feel?
it's her decision.

I don't think abortion should be discussed with anyone other than who the woman wants to discuss it with. it's her business, her body, her decision.

i def do not ever think it should be discussed with a child. and asking their opinion is, imo, putting a huge emotional weight on a child.
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (15), ds Marcus (13), Our together miracle, baby Dean, 17 months

Crazy enough to try all over again for a second together baby! Hoping for a much less wild ride this time!

TTC with PCOS for 5 very long years. Annovulatory cycles. Multiple doctors. Different meds. One horrible loss. And then one wonderful success, born 2/18/14.

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November 13th, 2010, 12:41 PM
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I'd discuss it with the father of the child, but I would not discuss it with any children I'd have or other family. It's a personal decision and the opinion of my children (as bad as it probably sounds) doesn't really matter. I mean, their feelings matter obviously, but it's not something I want to burden them with.

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