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Horrible day... feel like giving up... venting, and something I wrote.

Forum: Trying to Conceive with Endometriosis


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January 13th, 2010, 10:12 PM
rachel.'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 1,345
I went to Kip's viewing today. I sang him the lullaby I always sang him to sleep with and kissed him goodbye. I put in a stargazer lily, with a ring on the stem, along with the picture in my siggy in his coffin. When I got home I texted his mother and asked if it would be possible to read something I wrote at his funeral. She called back and told me she took out the picture and the ring, that she wouldn't bury them with him, and said I was making things harder for her than they needed to be. It broke my heart all over again. I texted his father, who has been incredibly sweet and understanding, and he called me back and said he didn't know why she was being so irrational, and he did the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. He hid the picture of us in the lining of his casket, right by his hand, so no one would see it but that he and I would know it was there, and it would be our little secret. I cried when he told me that. It means so much to me. Kip's mother won't let me read what I wrote at the funeral, and she also said I'm not welcome, but I am making plans to meet with his father, who said he would absolutely love a copy of what I wrote for Kip's funeral. He's also going to look for the rings he and I had exchanged. I am going to post the eulogy I wrote here, because I think it's beautiful and he should be remembered, because he was a wonderful man.
"One star in the night sky, shining for the one who will always be in our hearts. A few of you recognize me. Most of you probably don’t. Kip was the Admiral, and I was fondly referred to as his Navigator. Kip is the love of my life. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He was my other half. I was, and am, lost without him. I know that the term true love sounds cliché, but those are the only words that come close to the love I feel for him, and the love I hope and believe he still felt for me. I gave him a ring that was engraved with the words, “I made a wish, and you came true,” and never have I spoken more honest words. I cannot describe how smart, sweet and wonderful Kip was. He filled my heart and life with so much happiness and light.There are so many memories, wonderful, bittersweet memories, that all of us have, that bring tears now, but with time, we will think of him and smile. Even when we were apart, I thought about him and loved him more every day. We often talked about our future together. We had wanted to get married when we were around 23 or 24. At the wedding, his sister Kasey would have been my maid of honor, and her husband Bill would have been Kip’s best man. Kip wanted to rappel down from the ceiling to the altar. When my little niece was sick in the hospital, he rushed to my side to comfort me. We chased each other around his car, laughing and spraying each other with Silly String until the cans ran out, and he caught me around the waist and kissed me. I never wanted him to let me go. I walked into his house one day, and he grabbed me and waltzed me around the living room in the candlelight, with my hand in his and his arm around my waist, because we both knew how clumsy I am. He dipped me and kissed me just like you’d see in an old movie, and his lips on mine made me feel like I could fly. There was no music. He was all the beauty I needed. He used the bring me lilies. Always stargazer lilies, the beautiful white ones with the pink blooming across the petals. Kip bought me chocolate-scented scratch tickets on Valentine’s Day. I wanted to keep them just the way they were, but he convinced me to scratch them to see if I won anything. I lost. I wish I still had them. I could blow the dust off of the little hearts and pretend they were my own. The song Story of A Girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world… Kip said it reminded him of me. Kip told me I looked so sad, but I was so beautiful when I smiled. My favorite times with him were the simple ones, when we would curl up in bed together to watch a movie, and I would fall asleep in his arms. And once, we went Lazer-Tagging with Kasey and Bill, and I really was terrible at it. He found me a safe place to hide, kissed me, and said, “I’ll come back for you, I promise.” I believe he’s still here. I feel his presence all around me. He is with all of us, to help us through this time of horirble grief. The pain of losing Kip… there are no words. I take comfort knowing that he is happy, in a better place, although God knows every one of us would rather have him on Earth with us. Kip is one of God’s angels now, and as Thomas Moore said, “Earth has no sorrow that an angel of heaven cannot ease.” I once gave Kip a dozen roses. Eleven were real, one was silk. Attatched was a note that said, “I will love you until the last rose dies.”


non-vaxing, non-circing, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, attachment-parenting my babies
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January 13th, 2010, 10:43 PM
*Mommy2Remington*'s Avatar TexasMama
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,977
Thats beautiful sweetie. Im soo sorry about his mother- but she is also in alot of pain and maybe knowing how close you and Kip were, It hurts her to see you two apart and not fulfilling your dreams together. He must have been one amazing man. Very sweet, very gentle with you and very in love with you. Do not cry over losing him.....but smile because you loved him. Smile because his lips kissed you and no one else. Smile because his hands held yours and no one elses. Smile because you know he loved you and no one else. Although you are in so much pain right now with out him, try to celebrate the life he had while he was here. Keep talking about those beautiful moments you two shared and of course never ever forget them. You now have a sweet angle looking down at you from heavens above. When you feel lonely- talk to him. He is listening. He loves you and I know he always will.
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January 17th, 2010, 10:22 AM
HarlieStar3's Avatar Believe.
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,043
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That was beautiful! It made me cry I can only imagine what you are going through. I know the pain you are feeling; I lost my mother a week after Mothers Day 09... They say it takes time to heal... but I'm still unsure of how much time... If you ever want to talk; PM me,

take care sweetie.
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January 17th, 2010, 11:48 PM
Ima's Avatar
Ima Ima is offline
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 741
I think i wrote you a message but it got deleted....????

just wanted to wish you well and hope you heal from this terrible turn of events. My thoughts are with you

Dx - unicornuate uterus - ask me, i am not shy
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January 18th, 2010, 06:09 PM
angel3y35's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,810
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and hope you are doing ok.

Thanks to :shortcake: for my siggy

Our adoption miracle born 12/31/13

06/2004 - Lap for endo and cysts
08/2006 - Lap for endo and cysts
02/2010 - Lap for endo, cysts, and hydrosalpinx repair
02/2011 - Lap for endo, cysts, and RSO
12/2011 - TAH and LSO
5/2012 - Lap for adhesions
4/2013 - Lap for adhesions
Stage IV endometriosis, sever adenomyosis, PCOS, IC
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