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DH is clueless sometimes

Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss


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March 12th, 2005, 10:12 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
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My husband is a sensitive and loving person. And I cannot lose sight of that. However, right now I am a little upset with him.

I have been feeling good recently (the last 2 weeks). I had that m/c on 2/25 and was out of commission for a couple weeks from bleeding. But, now that's over, Im okay (physically and emotionally)and want to be intimate with dh.

But, when I try to "put the moves" on him, he's not interested! Two nights in a row now I"ve been rejected. I'm sure he has no idea that this is making me crazy. Can you believe it has been probably over a month since we've had sex?! The last time (I think) was when I conceived.

I don't know if he's just emotionally not ready or what...but does he not realize that this may lead me to believe there is something wrong with me?? I know he may just need time or whatever, but my previous marriage fell apart 6 months after my m/c 5 years ago. So, this scares me a little. I would discuss it with him, but he's not very good at discussing 'emotions'.

Has anyone else experienced this? How long did it take for your SO to realize you would not break? I just want to be desired. If I can't have a baby right now, I would at least like to have a lover! My feelings are just hurt. And one night is one thing, but two in a row????

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March 13th, 2005, 07:54 AM
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: michigan
Posts: 4,154

I can imagine how you feel - especially with your past experiences. You do need to talk with him though. It's the only way he's going to know how you're really feeling even if he's not good at discussing things like this. You need to get it off your chest.

I, too, just wanted to be with my husband after the m/c. It wasn't necessarily for sexual reasons, but I needed the intimacy and closeness that it provides. We had to wait 2 weeks because of the D&C and that was really hard.

Remember, too, that your husband feels your loss, but he feels it differently than you because it wasn't his body. He may just want to make sure that you're okay and I think you need to be forward with him and tell him you're okay, but that you need him.

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March 13th, 2005, 08:36 AM
tamw402004's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ohio.....I was born in Portsmouth, Virginia.
Posts: 15,494
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} If I were you I would make a date night for you & your hubby. Get out for dinner.{ Some place nice you usually do not go to} Just be alone. Maybe go to another town....Get a motel room. Try some romance then. Maybe you both need a change of pace.

Good Luck!!!
~ HOST to ~FortySomething {Plus} Mommies~

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March 13th, 2005, 08:53 AM
sandycheeks's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 2,982
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I know how you feel..When we were TTc the first tme in Janurary.. I would put the moves on my husband and he would reject me.. So I felt like I was nothing, and he didn't love me anymore.. So I brought it up to him, and we talked about it, and i cried.

We get in our minds that men want sex all the time, thats all they think about.. Because we watch movies and shows with men in them like that. I thought the same thing... But the truth is not all men are like that.

After the m/c I went a long time before having sex.. 2 weeks after the m/c, and 2 weeks before the surgery, and probably 2 weeks after surgery. Because I wasn't ready.

Now that I'm TTC again, I could make myself perform any night, 3 times a day, because I want to get pregnant. But my husband can't.. If men have something on them mind, its hard for them to perform,a nd they get tired more easily.

I been were you are, and I found actually talking to him, and telling him how I felt, really did help..
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March 13th, 2005, 09:10 AM
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A date night is a great idea. We do go out on Saturdays (and try to pick a place new to us), but we usually go with another couple.

We have plans to spend today together at a home and garden show. I'm trying not to let the past 2 nights affect my mood with him, but its difficult. I'm angry because I get rejected and lay there seething, while he's right next to me sound asleep!! No idea I'm even feeling the way I am!

I know I need to talk to him, and I will. The same thing happened last weekend, and he said it was because he wanted to wait until the doctor said it was okay to have sex. She did, and I relayed the message, but still....nothing.

I even went yesterday to get my hair cut and highlighted...he said it was nice, but that's all. I did that by the way to make myself feel better....I've learned never to do something just because some one else thinks you should. He doesn't really care about stuff like that anyway.

We kinda live for weekends because my hours at work keep me away from home until pretty late. By the time we eat dinner, it's time for bed. Maybe a day together will help.

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