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New here and would love some advice (loss mentioned)

Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss


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  • 2 Post By sweetpea3
  • 1 Post By anothermother

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January 23rd, 2013, 03:22 PM
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Abbotsford, BC
Posts: 16
I've been over on the babycenter boards since the beginning of my pregnancy (Jan 2012) however am finding there isn't much support with a loss. I'll share my story quickly and would love to hear from others.
I have 3 children, 2 daughters (3yr and 5.5yr olds) and had my son at 39 weeks pregnant on Oct 5th, 2012. The pregnancy, labor and delivery with him was perfect but he passed away unexpectedly after birth, no explanation. The coroner said that he was "completely normal and healthy" and suspects that it will forever be a mystery as to what happened. The birth has been ruled out as a cause. We are obviously devastated and have lived with and experience every emotion and feeling possible (besides joy/happiness). I started a blog that has more info on there. myhappilyeverafterstewartedition.wordpress
We decided quite early that we will try for more children but initially wanted to wait until we received answers. Turns out there are none. I am TERRIFIED at the possibility of going through this again but I'm also scared to not have more children. We decided to start trying again in Dec and I'm sure you could imagine my excitement when my period was late. When I was 11 days late with every symptom, for the first time since my son died I prayed and said "Thank you God this was so easy, I don't know if I could have handled the up and down roller coaster that comes with trying to conceive." 15 minutes later I got my period... Jan is month 2, I should be ovulating around now but part of me is nervous as that would give me another Oct. baby.

Anyways, I guess I'd just really love to hear others stories on loss and deciding to try again. Did you avoid your previous conception month? I feel strange actively trying knowing it could be Oct again but I also understand that I haven't made sure my girls don't have their own month. Has anyone had a full term loss (not that an earlier loss is different, I'm just wondering about carrying and delivering full term) and how long did you feel your body needed afterward?
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January 23rd, 2013, 03:27 PM
*Leah*'s Avatar TTC the newfashioned way
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 3,604
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I had an early loss after infertility. I'm sure your pain was immeasurable. Praying you have a wonderful pregnancy soon and no complications ((HUGS))...
TTC#1 since 10/2006, 5 failed IUI's, 1st IVF successful BFP!! Baby Girl 2/2011
TTC#2 BFP 9/2011, Natural Pregnancy! 3/30/12 M/C'd on 5/15/12 (9 weeks)
IVF#2 BFP 4/2013 M/C 6/2/13 (8 weeks)
FET #1 BFP 8/2013 - Chemical Pregnancy
IVF #3 - Rtrval 10/31/13 2embryos on 5d - Chemical Pregnancy
IVF #4 - Rtrval 4/4/14 (4 eggs) Txferred 3 embryos 4/7/14..BFN.

Check out my NEWBORN Hats and Baby Items
@ http://www.facebook.com/ThePaisleyPerle

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January 23rd, 2013, 03:44 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Delaware (the state!)
Posts: 7,513
I am so sorry for your loss!

I don't have experience with a late loss, but I have had 2 losses, one before DD1 at 8 weeks (blighted ovum), the other was in between my 2 DD's and was at 12 weeks. I was shocked at the loss, because there had been a seemingly healthy baby growing and thriving and then suddenly the baby had passed. It was diagnosed as a chromosomal abnormality, monosomy X, aka Turners. I was devastated and nervous about getting pregnant again.

When I got pregnant with DD2, I was a wreck, the entire time, but for me, TTC right away helped me heal. Obviously, it's a different situation, but I hope that gives you a little information/help/support.

These ladies are great!
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January 23rd, 2013, 05:37 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,915
Welcome sweetpea and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son at 38 weeks and I also have no answers as to why it happened. I never had any issues during the pregnancy and neither did my son. I don't know what to say to make you feel better. Losing a child is hard and it takes time to feel like you are in a good enough place to start trying for more children. I'm glad that you are already there. I was a little worried at first when I thought about what it would be like to have another baby due the same month as my son. Then I thought about it harder and realized it didn't matter to me. I actually think if I was pregnant again or had a baby by my son's first angelversary it would some how make it less painful. This is my first cycle that DH and I have started ttc again. I don't know if it will happen for me or not this month but I am hoping to join the Oct due date club. If not, next cycle would put me in the Nov DDC which is the month my son was both due and passed away. It doesn't matter what month my next child is due, for me it doesn't change the way I feel about everything that has happened in my life. I wish you the best of luck hon. I hope you get your angel baby soon

I think it would be nice to join the oct ddc and have a few ladies who are going through the same fears and uncertainties as myself. We could go through this journey together. Even if we don't end up in the same ddc together just know that I am always here for you if you need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or even just someone to listen, I'm here. You will be in my thoughts and prayers sweetpea (love the screen name)

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January 23rd, 2013, 10:39 PM
Beautiful Life!
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 2,081
Welcome to justmommies. I also don't have experience with a late term loss, but glad Ame C was able to relate. I had my loss a month ago at 9 1/2 weeks and we decided it was easiest for us to get through by ttc again right away. I'm really hoping we get pregnant this month or the next. It hasn't been as hard thinking about July, when we were due, but I'm sure it's going to be hard if we're not pregnant again by then. It's also really hard right now, as I'm planning a baby shower for a friend. I don't know the pain of a late term loss, only the heartache of our loss, and my heart goes to all the women who've ever had a loss and especially those that've had a late term loss. You are in my prayers and I hope we get to see you are expecting again soon! Good luck and Welcome again!

Last edited by mommamindy; January 23rd, 2013 at 10:40 PM. Reason: grammer
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January 24th, 2013, 08:13 AM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,452
Hello Sweatpea! I also have not had a late term loss - we lost our baby at 12 weeks would have been due this July - I can not even imagine your pain, I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to welcome you to Just Mommies and say you have found a truly amazing group of ladies. They are so helpful and supportive through everything. This is a great place to come with questions, to talk things out, or just to vent.

I too started out on another board and found the women to be rather harsh and sometimes judgmental. The DDC and TTC boards on here are full of people with shared experiences and comforting words. I hope you can find some of the support you are looking for here.

Welcome again and best of luck to you!!!

Cautiously expecting Seamonkey #2 Due Oct 4th

Missing our angels:
Molar pregnancy loss (12 weeks) - 1/2013
Missed Miscarriage (10 weeks) - 6/2013
Early Miscarriage (5 weeks) - 12/2016

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January 24th, 2013, 11:31 AM
WorkerBeeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 4,486
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I am glad you have come here for support. this group of ladies is lovely.

I have had three miscarriages, none more than 10 weeks along, so I don't have experience with losing a child late term or after birth.

What I can say is that TTC again right away is one of the things that helped me not be so sad and to kind of pick me up and move on. I'm not saying that will happen for you, but I think TTC again when YOU feel right is the best time to do it. I hope you get a rainbow baby soon and you can heal a little from this tragedy.

Mindy & Josh
Mama to 3 beautiful girls!
DD - Maya (11), DD - Sophia (7)
, & DD - Jane (0)

11/04 09/12 12/12
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January 24th, 2013, 07:36 PM
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Abbotsford, BC
Posts: 16
One heartbreaking part of losing a child is hearing so many other stories of loss, Im so sorry for all of you. Between my two daughters, I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks so unfortunately I feel like I can relate to more than my current feeling of loss, it's all devastating. I feel so desperate to get pregnant again, I just want something to look forward to and to give our family some hope. I'm happy to hear that others are in the same boat as me in regards to trying again. I'm a little worried because according to my cycle, I should have ovulated yesterday but I've been charting mucous and I am positive that I didn't. I'm sure it can be late but I hope I'm just not ovulating because of stress or another issue. If I was in charge, everyone that loses a child would get pregnant right away (that wants to). It's not fair for us to have to go through what we have and then have to deal with ttc. Not that life is fair. Anyways, thank you for welcoming me, I'm excited to start reading about some positive tests for you ladies
*Leah* and mommamindy like this.
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January 25th, 2013, 11:23 AM
anothermother's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southwest, Missouri
Posts: 6,062
I'm so terribly sorry for your lose. I had a 17 week lose and I can't imagine how hard it must have been so close to the edd and not bringing that baby home It breaks my heart.

I also have 2 daughters at 3 and 5 too that are with us

I completely understand your uncertainty. When we knew Everleigh had issues and we wouldn't be bringing her home we honestly didn't think we wanted to go through another pregnancy. As the week went on we then started liking the idea of ttc in August and trying for another spring baby like I had always wanted. The night we left the hospital after the induction we decided we wanted to try again in March for a December baby since Everleigh was born in December. Sorta as kinda in remembrance of her. Now, we just want a baby and are actively ttc now. So yes, I think those things we think about are completely normal... and a way of healing.

I'm all about coincidences too. Like if we were to get pregnant this month my LMP will be the same as is was with Everleigh, the 11th of the month. And if we get pregnant I will be 16.4weeks on my birthday, we were pretty sure Everleigh passed at 16.3 days, so being over that "hump" or milestone on my birthday--- I couldn't think of anything more special.

I hope you get your angel baby soon! The waiting and being unsure is so hard. **hugs**
mommamindy likes this.
Christine, momma to Chloe [7.20.07], Alexis [9.8.09], and Jude [10.14.13]

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January 25th, 2013, 10:16 PM
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Abbotsford, BC
Posts: 16
Did anyone find they weren't ovulating after their loss? I've been charting CM and I barely have any, should have ovulated 3 days ago according to a "normal" schedule. I haven't had the egg white mucous (sorry tmi) or ovulating cramps like I normally do. It's just been more "wet", maybe sticky. I'm nervous that I'm just not ovulating due to stress. Did it take a while to regulate?

anothermother, I love the idea of it being a remembrance for your sweet Everleigh, that is such a great way to think of it. I wish you all the best and success ttc!
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January 26th, 2013, 12:23 AM
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Abbotsford, BC
Posts: 16
Oh wow, i am so sorry to hear. Did your son survive? That would be especially hard to have this everyday reminder of losing your daughter. Obviously he's such a blessing but im sure it would be a mix of emotions to watch him grow and hit different milestones. The worst part for me was labor was completely normal. We were obviously so excited and anxious for his arrival. I had been in labor for 3 days and just had this weird sense that something was wrong because my labors have been fast. I called my midwives to tell them this and kept saying i felt like he was trying to come but that my osy wouldnt let him. It was chalked up to pre labor and being my 3rd and to just relax and take it easy. My daughters thankfully were there for the birth, so they did see him alive. His heart rate through everything was 140 and he was breathing and coughed up on my chest. My oldest kind of broke the happiness a min or so later saying that he was "really white" and so he was taken for some breathing support but I was told he would be just fine, heart rate still 140. I even texted a friend to say he arrived and was so gorgeous! There was no warning and have been told there was no cause. It really just feels like such a fluke which makes me even more angry and feel robbed.

This is only our second month trying. To be completely honest I am not sure if I'm emotionally stable enough to be trying, but I want another baby so badly. I will always miss Lincoln and I really don't think the heartache will ever stop. I can't see myself ever being at peace with the situation. This may sound awful but part of me was really hoping to have something major come back from the autopsy so I could rationalize all this in my head. Something where I could be like maybe this was for the best, he escaped a lot of suffering. I'm upset at the mystery and the explanation that "sometimes these things just happen". Anyways, end rant. Have you been trying for long? How long after your loss did you start trying?
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