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I hate how miscarriages are so secretive

Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss


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  • 1 Post By mommamindy

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March 16th, 2013, 07:57 PM
Amber76's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 4,365
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Hi, I am Amber. I think I may have introduced myself after my last m/c or I may have just lurked but sadly I am back again. I had a m/c in the beginning of December and we were lucky and I got pregnant after waiting just one cycle. We went in and things were going well. My numbers were rising and we saw a heartbeat at around 6/7 weeks. Well last Tuesday we went back and the baby should have been measuring 9/10 weeks but instead it had stopped growing not too long after my last appointment. That night I started bleeding. I am heartbroken. I am very blessed to have my 2 beautiful daughters but I ache for my little ones who didn't make it.
I also don't like how m/c are so secretive. You don't tell people you are expecting in case something happens. Well guess what something has happened and I don't want to be quiet about it. I need the support, I need the prayers, I need the love and I don't need to grieve in silence. I am heartbroken and I don't like walking around like I am okay. I will be okay but just not yet.
Sorry I just needed to get that out. Thank you for be here so that I can.
I am so sorry that we are all here. I pray everyone will get their rainbow babies soon.

Katerina 01/10/07 Gabriella 12/29/09 2012 2013
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March 16th, 2013, 08:52 PM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,235
I'm so sorry you are here, again. One loss is more than anyone should have to go through, two of them should simply never happen. It isn't fair, it's heartbreaking and no woman is ever the same after they are torn down like this.

I hate the silence too. But I also don't want to talk about it, especially to people who annoy me, like my MIL or SIL (who's pregnant and due 2 days before I was). There is a book out there about this, http://www.amazon.com/Silent-Grief-M.../dp/089221371X .

We are all here to lend a shoulder. Vent away! I truly hope we all find some peace at some point in our lives.
Leia 42 yrs young

Wife to Big Bull 41
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014

Never Forgetting our Angels 2012, 2013
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March 16th, 2013, 09:01 PM
Beautiful Life!
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 2,081
I am so sorry for your loss. I agree. I hate how secretive they are. I've had a lot of hardships in life and learned that people don't know how to react to hard feelings. Just like they say we respond to traumatizing things with fight, flight or freeze. I think people respond the same way when they hear of something traumatizing. I still speak my mind and let people know whats going on, as I know it's good for me. But I don't take it personally with how they respond. The only thing that gets to me is when they act like I should be over it by now. That one really angers me. I won't wait to tell people when we're pg again, because I need some people to know so they can help me if I need again. However, I will be more cautious about telling my son this time, as it was the worst telling him about our loss the last time. Otherwise, I think it's just something people should know about. Funny too, I've seen people in wal-mart and talked about it and found out they had experienced a loss themselves. They looked surprised that I would be that open about it, but I think a lot of women have lived through this and felt they had to keep it to themselves. Anyways, that's the end of my rampage!
CLS2616 likes this.

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March 17th, 2013, 07:34 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Nevada
Posts: 2,594
Oh noooo! I'm so sorry to hear this I agree that being secretive about it is really hard. Sometimes it's easier for people to know what we are going through in our lives so they can help us through the hard times, when we would need them the most. My thought on telling people about the pregnancy in the 1st trimester is to tell the people that you would want support from along the way, should a miscarriage or any complication happen.

Again, I am terribly sorry for your loss. You know you have a great group of ladies here for you!
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Chad & Lindsey~Furbabies Bella & Oliver
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March 17th, 2013, 09:01 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: St. Louis
Posts: 2,283
I've thought about this a lot as well. I just started to TTC again and have been thinking about who I will share the news with when/if we get pregnant. I agree with moonangel & telling the people who you would want the support from. That's the best advice and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to hold out on telling everyone else until I'm no longer able to hide it. I made the mistake of telling a couple of my co-workers before I had my miscarriage, one ladyl I told is a loud mouth, backstabbing, two faced...you know what. I didn't know she was this way at the time. After my miscarriage I of course had to tell the few people I told I was pregnant and this particular woman went and blabbed her big mouth to other people who didn't know I was pregnant in the first place. I will not make that mistake again.
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March 18th, 2013, 07:31 AM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,452
I am so very sorry for your loss. I sometimes feel like the secret aspect is a lot of what makes this all so hard. Such a major life changing event that rocked my entire world and most people have no idea. I ended up telling everything to a few close friends who didn't know I was pregnant. I was struggling and I needed the support. I agree with the other ladies - in the future I will tell everyone I would want support from in case of another loss. I am so sorry you are going through this. We are always here anytime you want to talk or just vent.

Cautiously expecting Seamonkey #2 Due Oct 4th

Missing our angels:
Molar pregnancy loss (12 weeks) - 1/2013
Missed Miscarriage (10 weeks) - 6/2013
Early Miscarriage (5 weeks) - 12/2016

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March 18th, 2013, 06:44 PM
Remembering Tadpole
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 147
I so agree with this. I could never put my finger on it, but those are my feelings exactly. It is so hard seeing co-workers pregnant. Everyone else is all over them, and I am in the background. I am not sure what they think is wrong with me but why tell them that I had a m/c when they didn't know I was even pregnant. I am not looking for sympathy from them, but understanding. My m/c is not something that I have talked to many about, not even my family. Pretty much it is a personal event between my husband and myself.

I did have to tell one of my cousins last week. She was visiting family in the area. Her baby is about 6 weeks older than my angel would have been. The baby was named after my mother who passed away last year. I went to see her for a little bit but could not bring myself to go over and see them before they left for home. I sent her a message and eplained what had happened and she was very understaning.

It is almost like I want the world to know that I have 2 children, one of earth and one in heaven but that they won't understand why I am telling them that.
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March 19th, 2013, 08:08 AM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,547
I'm sorry we are meeting here I was due end of September (posting on both the Sept and Oct DDCs) and I just had a D&C done this past Saturday. I know exactly how you feel. I hadn't told very many people either so only a few know about my loss. It's hard to have to pretend to be ok when I'm far from it Thankfully we have this board to come to for support!

Sending you lots of HUGS!!!
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March 20th, 2013, 07:37 AM
bellasky's Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,399
I felt that way after my losses. When I lost my first I hadn't told anyone but close family. It was ectopic. When I got pregnant with my second I was so excited and told close family again and then we lost the baby a few days later. If the people in our lives are really there for us they will be happy for us being pregnant and will cry with us when we lose our babies. We should not have to suffer in silence. I am glad that you have JM to vent to. Hoping you get your rainbow baby soon.
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March 20th, 2013, 11:16 AM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
I have been really torn about this...with my first m/c I felt so alone, didn't know anyone (outside of older relatives) that had a m/c...or so I thought, turns out I did but (of course) no one talks about it until you open up. Part of me thinks it would be helpful for women to know it's common, that there are others you can lean on or support. The other part of me feels like my losses are so personal, so heart wrenching to me that I can't stand the thought of people who can't possibly understand what I've gone through just passingly saying "oh so sorry for your loss" but not really caring the way I care...

If you feel like being open and telling people is helpful to you, then definitely do it...healing is ultimately about what works for you, and it sounds like its important to you that your friends & family understand what your suffering through ((((hugs))))
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March 21st, 2013, 10:12 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Delaware (the state!)
Posts: 7,513
The silence really does suck! My husband and I told people earlier than most, we had been through a loss after we had announced it to some people and it was great having that support, so when we got pregnant after that, we decided to tell people, not right away, but before the 1st trimester was over. When we lost the 2nd it was really hard, but we had the support we needed, not just in each other, but from others. Our 2nd loss was similar to yours, we saw a healthy baby on u/s at around 8.5 weeks, I spotted about 3 weeks later, went in and the baby, as it turned out, had passed at 8w 6d, just about 3 days after the last u/s. I had testing done and the baby had had Turners. What helped me was that when we had to tell people that we lost it, the outpouring of so many others that had been through a loss (which I hate that people have had to go through), they could relate to me and it wasn't just someone saying "these things happen, it happens for a reason" - I hate that, doesn't make you feel better!

I pray that you get your rainbow baby soon!
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