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pregnant/afraid/undecided DESPERATE FOR ADVICE

Forum: First Time Mommies and Mommies to Be


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May 7th, 2014, 02:33 PM
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4
I am five weeks pregnant, feeling very afraid and confused. Although I have a great support system of family and friends, I could really use an outside perspective Ėespecially from someone who has been in/or is currently in a similar situation. Any advice, or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Since discovering I was pregnant (17 days ago), I have been going through a million emotions and my mind is racing all day long about what ifís. Initially I was terrified about being pregnant because I had drank heavily. Not just occasionally but on a nightly basis. After my OBGYN visit and reviewing the ultrasound, the doctor determined I was 4 weeks, 2 weeks from conception so the baby should not be affected (low risk) by my alcohol consumption so long as I stopped now. (That really confuses me as to how far along I really am, if anyone can explain that. Am I 2 weeks or 4 weeks? I do not remember when my last menstrual cycle was). I have since stopped drinking and have been eating healthy.

I have always wanted kids but didnít plan on having them until I was at least 30 (my BF and I are both in our mid-twenties), in a committed long-term relationship, and had a successful career. I graduated college with a bachelorís degree, but have been out of school and work for over a year, and am currently unemployed. This is obviously a huge concern. I know I can get a job that will pay the bills, but Iím worried that being out of work and the time I will take off once the baby is born will affect my chances of getting a great job in my field. My boyfriend is employed with a low-average income (for our age), but still has several years of school until he receives his degree. Even then, he will not be making very much money (similar to a teacherís salary). We have a great support system of family and friends, which is super helpful. But Iím afraid we will always be struggling to make ends meet. I was blessed to grow up in a middle class home, with nice things, and yearly vacations; so this is a scary thought for me. I want my child and family to have nice things, and be able to travel and experience the world. Although the city and state I live in is very nice and friendly, I have lived here my entire life and have always dreamt of living elsewhere near the ocean. This is an extremely hard dream for me to give up, and I think is unrealistic to think it may happen in the future, because our income.

Another huge concern is my relationship the babyís father. My boyfriend and I have been friends since college but have only been a couple for five months. He is absolutely great, and thrilled about having a baby. If he could have planned it out he would have waited a few years but now that Iím pregnant he has been nothing but positive and excited. He does not believe in abortion so he has not considered that as an option (although I have). He also said he does not think he could be with me if I had an abortion because he wouldnít be able to look at me the same. But he has really been like something you see in a movie through all of this. Since finding out he has been looking for a second job, applied to summer school and figuring out how he can get his degree, looking for a house to rent so that we can move in together, and being extremely attentive to my needs, asking if I need anything, how I feel Ėeven giving me back rubs every night. I should be ecstatic, and even though I whole heartedly appreciate everything he is doing, I am starting to doubt our relationship. I love him, but now that I have the pressure and a million questions: is he the one? Do I really think he will be there for me and the baby? What if he leaves me? Etc. I am even questioning my attraction to him. I donít know how much of this is hormones or if I was just going with the flow in a new relationship and now the pressure of all these life changing decisions im realizing I donít want to be with him. I donít want to force a relationship if itís not there and bringing a baby into that is the worst decision. He treats me great, he has my best interest, he pushes me to be the best I can be, he makes me laugh like no one else, but sometimes Iím not attracted to him physicallyÖ how important is that? Am I just being shallow? Itís hard for me to picture my life with him in the future like I did with my exís. But I have always bee in long relationships, this one is actually my shortest. Iím afraid of staying together for the sake of our child, and resenting him.

Iím also concerned with how this will affect our lifestyle. We are people who like to go out with friends, have parties, and spend the summer at the lake on the boat. None of our close friend have children. I canít help but be selfish and think about all the things we will be missing out on. I also hate to ask my boyfriend not to go out or to the lake, but I know I wont be able to.

With all of these concerns, I cannot make my mind up on whether I should have this baby or have an abortion. One second I am 100% confident that I want to have this baby and 20 minutes later I believe abortion is the best option, and this has been going on everyday all day since I found out. Are these normal thoughts? I feel guilty for not being so excited and so in love with the idea of having a baby. But is that because Iím programmed to think thatís how Iím supposed to feel? Or do I keep trying to convince myself this is not the right decision because it just simply is not the right decision and I should have an abortion?

Sorry that was so long and full of rambling, my mind is all over the place right now. If you read that entire post, thank you and I would really appreciate your input.
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May 9th, 2014, 02:13 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 4,288
Awe, hun I WAS you 8 years ago! ! My biggest thought while reading your post was, slow down! You don't have to decide all of this right now! first things first: really think about it, in ten years, how are you going to feel if you go thru with an abortion? Those feelings just don't disappear, there is real grieving you will go thru. Honestly, you are in a fantastic situation to have your child. You have your degree, and you are in a lull. Now, I chose to quit my job in the second trimester and become a sahm. But if this isn't what you want for you, then by all means, start you search. You don't have to disclose your pregnancy and you probably won't start to really show until much later since it's your first. Big bonus! My husband and I had just met and started dating in July. I got my bfp on Thanksgiving morning. he was absolutely amazing and it really cemented to me that he would be there for me thru anything. Hun, I've been on these boards a long time, you've got yourself a keeper there. My hormones always go wonky in my first trimesters and my husband irritates the snot out of me! Lol poor guy can't do anything right those first 13 weeks. Lol some of this is fear and some hormonal. But take heart in his support of you. When we married, I was 5 months pregnant with Ella. We had no money, were barely making ends meet. Jared took it upon himself to scour for better paying work. He took caring for and supporting his family seriously. Now, we are pretty well off and can comfortably allow me to stay home and raise our 4 children. A man with good work ethic is not sk easy to come by these days. It is crucial because it takes that load off of you feeling like you have to be the sole bread winner for your family. He found an amazing job 4 hours away and I took him on faith and we moved when ella was 4 weeks old. He still works for them today and is a top engineer for their company working in acoustics for the natural gas industry.
Waiting until your 30s to have children has it's own drawbacks. Your fertility decreases and you hit advanced maternal age within 5 years of starting. As for the boat. My husband fishes alot. We strike a ballance. You can too. Your life isn't over. It's just changed a bit. I've seen alot of friends strap thd little babies into the bucket car seats and take them along. You just can't get hammered. Or, you have family close you mentioned? I bet grandma can't wait to get her hands on that grand baby for a whole afternoon! these changes are going to happen whether you have this little one now, or you don't and wait to meet someone else and plan it later.
Anyway, I can't imagine my life without ella now. I waz 25 when I became unexpectedly pregnant and was terrified. She turns 8 this August. She reads 2 grades above average and makss straight As. And little brothers and sister absolutely adore her. We spend 2 weeks on thd beach every summer, and even have a babysitter so we can go out. The baby doesn't have to hold anything back. I just don't want you to do it, and then regret what might have been, ya know?

Fyi, I have my degree in manufacturing engineering. So, I do understand the whole education issues.

Make a pregnancy ticker
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