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Forum: Not Trying Not Preventing


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November 2nd, 2013, 12:26 PM
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 3
I am new, so I hope I'm posting in the right place; if not I apologize.

My fiancé wants to "not try, but not prevent." We've been pregnant before, but miscarried, but that was while I was on birthcontrol, and we weren't even thinking about having children yet. But now that it's in discussion, I have a lot of worries. We talk about it, and he gets really excited, but then I bring up my fears, and he shuts down, saying if I was really ready I wouldn't think about those things--it would be just like wanting to get married. No doubts. I wanna do this with you. (He's understanding, and accepting of how I feel; not pushy. But it's obvious it upsets him that I'm not completely all gungho to just jump in). But I feel like bringing someone else's life into it, you should want to consider everything. Is it normal to feel like this? To wonder if you can do right by your child, to be afraid of what could go wrong in utero? To worry about miscarrying again? If it is normal do you ever really get over your fears of failing them... Is there a big epiphany that says "hey, I'm ready, I have no fears!" that I'm just still missing? How do you know when you are really ready to make that step? Or am I even being too concerned for just "not preventing" anymore..?

Any help would be great.
Thanks (:
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November 3rd, 2013, 06:05 AM
My kid kicks butt
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northwest USA
Posts: 65
OMG, those feelings are COMPLETELY normal!! Just because you have anxieties doesn't mean you're not ready, it just means you have no clue what the future holds, just like any pregnant mom or ntnp/ttc-er. The fact that you've miscarried before is ample reason to worry about it again. I mean, that's been your experience, so why WOULDN'T you think about it? Pregnancy is a constant worry-game. Once you make it past first tri, there are still more things to worry about; then when the baby is born there is a whole new set of worries. It doesn't ever stop! It doesn't mean that you would obsess over them, but that they might be on your mind from time to time is par for the course.
I don't think you ever get over your fears of failing your child. My dd is almost two and I still wonder if I'm doing this right or that right....it's just part of parenting

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November 5th, 2013, 12:10 PM
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 3
Thanks! I really appreciate the input. Definitely makes me feel like I'm not the odd one out having those feelings.
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November 8th, 2013, 10:45 PM
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 300
I'm ready to ttc, but I have those worries EVERY day! What if the baby has a severe disability- how would that change our lives? Could our marriage handle it? What if I can't get pregnant? What if I have a miscarriage, or multiple miscarriages? and on & on... But the unknown is just how life goes- heck, we don't even know for sure we will wake up tomorrow morning, but you just have to go on & live life to the fullest. Hugs!!! Know that you are not alone. BTW I had a lot of anxiety about getting married, too, and we've been married for 10 years now!!! It will all work out in the end.
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November 9th, 2013, 01:01 PM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Freaking Louisiana
Posts: 9,231
You sound normal to me! When I was TTC my second, I already had 4 miscarriages under my belt. When I got pregnant with DD2, I didn't even expect it to last. That one was conceived on a miscarriage cycle, and THAT cycle was the first cycle I had TTC after losing twins at 11 weeks. This last baby was conceived on a miscarriage cycle. I didn't expect it to last either. Sad fact is things can go wrong. Nothing strange in worrying about it. It's different for you. You are the one that goes through the pregnancy. It will more than likely take a toll on your body. Most men I know don't understand that. Mine does. I have horrible pregnancies. When I tell my husband I'm pregnant, I normally get a look that's akin to horror. He has cleaned up far too much vomit in his life thanks to me. lol
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