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DH thinks I'm spoiling, help?

Forum: Moms of Toddlers


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October 4th, 2012, 09:47 AM
kamiyu910's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Hesperia, CA
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Not sure if this is the right board to post to, but I have an almost 16 month old son and my DH thinks I'm spoiling him by not letting him cry it out when he gets upset.
DH is gone at work most of the day and I'm a SAHM, and when DH is home he's usually on the computer. He has very little to do with parenting... When I try to get him to watch DS he usually says no. He doesn't really hug or cuddle his son, or comfort him (his way of getting him to stop crying is to toss him in the air, toss balls at him, etc...).
So I'm basically the parent for at least 97% of the time. I know the different cries, I can usually tell when something else is wrong other than a tantrum. But DH says that I'm one of those moms who lets the kid walk all over her because I try to get DS to stop crying after a certain amount of time rather than letting him cry it out, after being told no or after what DH calls a tantrum (when it's usually not). DS is currently cutting 2 molars and has really bad attachment issues as well, which doesn't help any.

So I'm wondering how long would you consider it ok to let them cry after being put in time out for doing something bad? And why does it seem like I only ever have an issue when DH is home?
For example today, DS really wanted me to take him outside and got mad when I wasn't and was growling. Usually I just say no, and don't do anything like give in when he gets like that, but DH thinks that any time DS does something bad he needs to go in his pen for time out. DS hates the pen unless I'm in it, so he's going to cry until he gives up (not exactly a healthy option for attachment issues, makes it worse... we've tried). DH got mad at me because I picked DS up after about 4-5 minutes of screaming.

I don't let DS get away with things that are bad, I am constantly telling him no... so I don't understand how it's spoiling him. Any help, suggestions, anything appreciated

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October 4th, 2012, 11:15 AM
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 8
My husband is the stay at home parent. I make a point to defer to him on most things simply because he is around my daughter much more than I am. I've found his instincts about her are right 97% of the time. If I feel they're not, I am very careful in how I approach him in discussing alternatives because I am NOT trying to question his abilities - I'm just trying to find a solution that makes sense and will work for both of us.

I say that because I find it maddening and, frankly, rude that your husband questions your parenting when he can't even be bothered to be involved when he IS home. If he is constantly undermining your decision making, there has to be tension - and I'm sure your son picks up on that some. Maybe that's why he acts up more when your husband is around.

We usually put our daughter in her crib if she will not stop the tantrum no matter what we do. We prefer to go in and get her once she has gone quiet, but sometimes, we do it when some of the ferocity has gone out of the crying. Sometimes we think at that point, she's still upset but maybe wants a little comfort too. If we go get her at a time like that, she hugs and wants to make up. Your son is a bit younger though (DD is 2 yrs, 3 mos). But I honestly think you should follow YOUR instincts as the SAHM. I don't think you're 'spoiling' him by letting him cry and then picking him up - sounds to me like you're just letting him work out his frustrations while still reassuring him that you are there. He needs both at his age.

The next time your husband criticizes your decision making in such a situation, I would tell him to either let you handle it, or that you're going to walk away and let him take over if he has a better idea.
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October 4th, 2012, 11:53 AM
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Location: Ontario, Canada
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It sounds like you're doing everything just fine. Follow your instinct. As the SAHM, you know your child better than anyone and know how to respond to his needs. If your DH doesn't want to be involved, I really don't think he deserves to have an opinion.
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October 5th, 2012, 08:12 AM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4
The next time your husband criticizes your decision making in such a situation, I would tell him to either let you handle it, or that you're going to walk away and let him take over if he has a better idea.
Ditto. It's okay to have different methods of dealing with kids. Me personally, I handle tantrums by either ignoring or distracting with something else. A 16 month old isn't going to understand time-out, but it's fine to change the scenery by putting him in the playpen with some books or toys.
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October 11th, 2012, 01:32 PM
mommy2Breana+Brandon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 39,401
sounds like you are doing everything right.

Let him take care of him when he is crying or for a day and it might change.

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October 15th, 2012, 09:51 PM
Mommy-to-2's Avatar Veteran
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Posts: 435
when ava is throwing a fit it's usually because she needs something, hungry, sleepy, teething ect.. She rarely cries just to cry. Dh and I have very different opinions on how to handle it. I usually distract her with something, give her something to do or just hold and cuddle her.

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