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Saying No

Forum: Children with Developmental Delays and Disorders


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March 11th, 2008, 12:31 AM
pautumnsun's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 1,226
I am having a difficult time saying no to my son because I fear meltdowns. I also have a hard time because I only want to say no if it is dangerous. I am not sure if this is the best approach. I am aware that in life there are things that you cant have and it can be difficult to accept that. I want my son to be prepared for lifes ups and downs. Now that I know that he may have this diagnosis I am even more unclear about the word no and how to use it. I find myself giving him his car to take into daycare because I dont want to start the day off on the wrong foot. By simply telling him the car is for home and not school could set him up for a bad day. He will throw himself to the ground and slam his head. He will then refuse to allow me to carry him into school. He will tense up his body and hold onto anything so that I wont make him go into the classroom. When I do get him into the classroom he is holding onto me for dear life. The teacher at times needs to pry him away and I feel horrible. It is just easier letting him take the car to school even though something else might effect his ability to transition to school easily. Does anyone have any advice on this matter or can they relate. I would appreciate any feedback.

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March 11th, 2008, 10:27 AM
Tammyjh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: North
Posts: 7,824
Awww...poor little guy and poor mom

Timely post for me as I'm back in the "no" rut and struggling to get back out of it again...its the kick in the butt I needed

I think you are wise to pick and choose your battles and try to limit the word "no". Whenever I would start to use "no" with my oldest, I would try to ask myself what I am trying to accomplish by saying it and just why is it a "no" situation? Some times they need to be told no and we just have to deal with the meltdowns but other times, its really not worth it and there really may be no reason to say no.

If his car is a comfort item for him, I would let him take it too. Its not in any way spoiling him to have something with him that makes him feel a little more secure. And as spectrum children are prone to anxiety, they need all the comfort they can get. At least thats my take on it.

When Abby was 4 and 5, I had a lot of friends and family members stressing over the fact that she still sucked her thumb and carried her yucky blanky around with her. For me, it was easier to let her do this because she was comforted by them and it reduced the meltdowns. I slowly started weaning her off both and the blanky went from going everywhere to just being in the car and at home, then at home, and then in her room. Her thumb sucking...I don't really remember that one being hard...she just kind of quit that one on her own. Some people thought I should have made her give it way before she was 4 or 5 but when I asked "why?", they didn't really have an answer that sounded all that good or reasonable to me
Tammy, Mom to
Abby (19), Kacie (13), Chase (11), & Jacob (7)

"...They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family!" ~ Bobby ~ Supernatural
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March 11th, 2008, 11:30 AM
outnumbered's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: On Top of Mt. Laundry
Posts: 3,943
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I also say let him have his comfort item.

Hunter was in a special preschool when he was three and I had to stay in the corner of the room or else he could not function. I was finally able to leave but he had to have his blanket and stuffed puppy with him. He carried those two things with him for a few years, and then I got him to transition to a yellow baseball cap that said Cure Autism Now! If he was going to wear it all the time, then I wanted people to see it and maybe understand why he acted the way he did.) He even wore that thing in the bath. Just when I thought I needed to get him a new one because it was getting ratty and holey, he suddenly decided he didn't want to wear it anymore. This was just before Kindergarten. Since then he's been carrying small toys with him all over. While at school they are in his pocket or backpack and he knows they need to stay there during the school day. Some day he'll drop needing those, too!

Going to school is a big, stressfull deal for all kids, but much more so to kids on the spectrum. The truck isn't a big deal, and if his teacher knows about autism, then she would agree.

There are times when to say no, but I think I only used the word when it was something dangerous. I said no in other ways!
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I am a breastfeeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, no crying it out, baby wearing mama of 3 boys, one of which has autism. Meet my boys here (having technical difficulties with my website). My blogs are On Top of Mt. Laundry and The Cache Checkers.

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