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My child will NOT mind..any advice??


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  #1  
May 16th, 2006, 12:20 PM
Amanda C's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: East Texas
Posts: 17,724
Every time I try and do something nice with my son he turns it into a horrible day!!! The last 2 times I've taken a day of vacation to do something with him he's acted rude, stubborn and just flat out won't mind.

Today I took a vacation from work to go on his field trip with him. He REALLY wanted me to go. So we start off the morning okay. We get to the first stop.. he won't listen. He's running and getting ahead of the other kids and adults. He won't slow down and he's completely ignoring everything I say! Then he stands there crosses his arms over his chest and just glares at me and say hmm. Hmm.

Then we get to the next stop.. same behaviour. Now mind you he's not listening to the teacher at this point either.
He acts the same way until it's time to leave and go home. He's starts whining that he's not ready to go and comes up with a million reasons not to leave. I finally get him to the car and he's thirsty. I really need to use the bathroom so I take him to Mc Donalds. We get there and he flat out tell's me no!! he's not going in the bathroom with me. Then we get to the counter to order a drink and he starts griping and can't tell me what he wants. All he can do is gripe! So instead I take him to the car and whip him. I give him some of my drink and we leave. He then screamed all the way home.

It makes me absolutely furious when he acts like this!! It completely RUINS my day off work.

I feel like going back to work RIGHT NOW and taking him to the sitter.

Please help!!! After the new baby comes I'm quitting my job to be a SAHM.

Thanks Ladies!!
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  #2  
May 16th, 2006, 06:07 PM
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Northern Virginia
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It's never easy is it?!?! Does he act like this all the time? I have found that consistency and rewards and praise work best with my daughter. Pretty much I can just look at her and she will do "the right thing". She loves praise and will ask "Did I do a good job?". I know sometimes it's easier for our own sanity to give in or just look the other way but in the long run sticking to your guns is the best. I always make Morgan sit down and we talk about what she did and why I didn't like it and how it made me feel. I know it sounds a little in depth for a 4 year old, but she is very sensitive to other people's feelings and I think it has a lot to do with me making her understand how her actions effect other people. And remember, there has to be consequences for his behavior, good or bad. Good luck!

Jen
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  #3  
May 16th, 2006, 07:41 PM
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Why did you let him act like that ALL day before there was a consequence? He acts like that because HE GETS AWAY WITH IT. When my son acts up, he is punished RIGHT THEN. I don't care where we are or who we are with. In fact, when I volunteered (also took off work) in his class for their x-mas party (mine's 4 1/2), he kept wanting to hang all over me and not do what he was supposed to do with the rest of the class. I put him in time out and simply told the teacher he would be joining them shortly...she completely understood and had no issues with it. The longer you let him get away with the behaviour with no negative consequence, the worse it will get. IMO you should have gotten him some water and took that with you, not given him a drink of wahtever you had (which was probably something good), and if he had already been acting up during the day, order at McDonalds definitely was NOT the answer...stop to go to the bathroom, then stop at the gas station or someplace "unfun" to get a quick drink of something. Immediate and consistant consequences for negative behaviour is all you really need.
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  #4  
May 18th, 2006, 07:33 PM
~Jess~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Central California
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I see you're expecting baby #2 and you're probably at the point where it's getting obvious that you're going to have another baby. You are probably even talking to him about his new brother or sister to try to prepare him-am I right? This is hugely exciting and hugely scary for a child. Not only that, but he can sense that mommy is going thru some major changes...change in routine is very scary for kids, especially when it effects mommy. It looks like the other moms that replied only have 1 kid and have never experienced this (and they gave great advice btw), so I have a different perspective.

My son was 18 months when I got preggo with Ethan. He was a perfect angel and I had all the time in the world to consistently discipline him, but when I got pregnant, he really started acting out. Of course this HAS to happen when you're huge and pregnant and exhausted to begin with and then your kid starts acting out & being very clingy on top of that. Urggg...Anyway, the only thing that really made any difference was spending as much one-on-one time with him as possible (and even that didn't eliminate the bad behavior). I really think that they know that they will never have your full attention ever again and they act out so they will have it as long as possible, kwim? I really think this needs to be met with understanding, lots of love and attention, and remember that this too shall pass-and it does. Once the baby gets here, it will get even worse for a little while once his fears are realized and he gets a lot less time with you, but then he will settle into a new routine and get used to the new baby and maybe even start to enjoy having a sibling and the skies will clear and he will be well behaved again.

Now all of this is assuming that this behavior is recent. Obviously if this has been a long-term problem, then it is probably a discipline issue and you need to get together with his daycare provider and his teacher to map out a consistent discipline technique so that he gets the same consequence from all arenas.

Good luck!
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  #5  
May 27th, 2006, 08:56 AM
sweet momma's Avatar Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Wichita KS
Posts: 26
Quote:
Every time I try and do something nice with my son he turns it into a horrible day!!! The last 2 times I've taken a day of vacation to do something with him he's acted rude, stubborn and just flat out won't mind.

Today I took a vacation from work to go on his field trip with him. He REALLY wanted me to go. So we start off the morning okay. We get to the first stop.. he won't listen. He's running and getting ahead of the other kids and adults. He won't slow down and he's completely ignoring everything I say! Then he stands there crosses his arms over his chest and just glares at me and say hmm. Hmm.

Then we get to the next stop.. same behaviour. Now mind you he's not listening to the teacher at this point either.
He acts the same way until it's time to leave and go home. He's starts whining that he's not ready to go and comes up with a million reasons not to leave. I finally get him to the car and he's thirsty. I really need to use the bathroom so I take him to Mc Donalds. We get there and he flat out tell's me no!! he's not going in the bathroom with me. Then we get to the counter to order a drink and he starts griping and can't tell me what he wants. All he can do is gripe! So instead I take him to the car and whip him. I give him some of my drink and we leave. He then screamed all the way home.

It makes me absolutely furious when he acts like this!! It completely RUINS my day off work.

I feel like going back to work RIGHT NOW and taking him to the sitter.

Please help!!! After the new baby comes I'm quitting my job to be a SAHM.

Thanks Ladies!![/b]

Well I was going to write in and tell you how spanking works so well for us, but I was afraid that you might think I was a meanie. I was relieved to see you say that you did spank him. So I'll go ahead and tell you what works for us and what my humble opinion is about your situation.

I think that you are on the right track with the spanking, I just think you need to do a lot more of it lol. I have talked about this on another message board, and I happened to save it, so I'll go ahead and paste it on here to save some time...


Proverbs 22:15~ Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him. 23:13~ Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell.
This one was a hard one for me to get. I was so used to thinking of physical punishment as abuse. You hear all these stories about parents who abuse their kids, and hurt them physically out of anger. That's not the Godly way to spank. I still have a hard time spanking Aubrey, but I know that it's the right thing, and I see the good results I'm getting from it.
I used to parent in a way that I would give her to many warnings, and when I finally did get fed up with her, I would either raise my voice or put her in the corner. She was constantly testing me because she never knew when I was serious, or just making an empty threat. She was a brat.

Then God started to show me a few things:

1. To be consistent. If something is wrong today, It needs to be wrong every single time, not just when it gets on your nerves. Kids need to know their boundaries.

2. Never speak to her in an angry voice. Yelling at a child is the quickest way to grow anger in them. Think about how you feel when someone is rude to you. You get angry back. It's the same way with our kids. They may listen to you in the moment out of fear, but inside they are hurt, angry, and resent you. We are all born sinners, and all start out with a seed of anger with in us. As parents, we can either grow that anger like a weed, or teach them how to control it. Not to mention that yelling at a child breaks their confidence.

3. Practice first time obedience. For instance, If Aubrey is pouring milk out of her sippy cup onto the floor, I tell her to stop ONE time. If she chooses not to listen, she gets a consequence. No more counting to three. If you start that habit, you'll be counting to three every single time you ask them to do something. I used to say, "Aubrey, if you do that one more time, you're going to get a spanking" well she knew that if I didn't say that, there would be no consequence. All I did was walk around all day saying "if you do that again..."

4. Correct them in love. They are just doing what comes natural for them which is testing their boundaries. It is our job to show them what the consequences are and enforce them. Even if our child grabs a pair of scissors and lops off a handful of our hair, we still don't have the right to punish them out of anger.

5. Don't withhold love from them as a form of punishment. God never stops loving us when we sin.

6. Always hug them and let them know you love them immediately after a punishment. That's another example we can follow from God. When he punishes us, we feel bad about what we have done, and we need to know that he still loves us just the same, and that we are right with him again.

7. Don't forget to depend on God for strength and wisdom when it comes to discipline. It's hard to break bad habits. When I would get frustrated with dd, all reason would go out the window, and I would go back to doing what my flesh told me to do. It is only by crying out to God for help, have I been able to change bad parenting patterns, and still depend on him for strength everyday.

I don't spank Aubrey 100% of the time. I do timeouts first. But if the behavior continues, I move on to spanking. Unfortunately she responds best to spanking. She actually respects me more now than she used to, and she doesn't hate me for it afterwards. I always pick her up immediately after and hold her and tell her I love her.

23:13~ Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell.

I like this verse because it shows that while it's hard to spank our kids sometimes, it's better than the alternative which is hell. If we don't teach them how to humble themselves and obey authority as children, we are only making it harder for them to humble themselves and obey God when they become accountable to him someday. Their rebellion will only grow, until eventually one day they rebel against God and end up in hell for it.

I look at spanking like, a little bit of pain now is worth it if it saves them from a pain that is devastating for eternity.


I'm totally not trying to say that you yell at your kid, but I think that a lot of moms do end up raising their voices and act out of anger with their kids, so if that does not apply to you, please ignore it.
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  #6  
June 19th, 2006, 09:15 AM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I just wanted to pipe in and say that although my DH & I arent religious at all, many friends recommended a parenting course called "Growing kids gods way". We were skeptical but decided to give it a try. They dont really recommend a particular way of disciplining (be it spanking or time out - whatever works for you use it). They do recommend consistency and the "First time obedience".

We really found that it works.

When you tell your child to do something - the only acceptable response is "yes maaM " or "yes sir" (or yes mommy or yes daddy).

Then -they are to do it, otherwise a consequence follows. No more "if youd ont do this I wll __________" or "im gonna count to 3 and you better ________". Simply say what you want - they MUST say "yes mommy" - if they say anything else - yousimply remind them "YES MOMMY". Simply saying "yes mommy" and having htem repeat it kind of "commits" them to doing it. IF they intentionally disobey - consequences follow RIGHT THEN. No matter how small the issue, etc.

I find it also forces us to make sure that were making reasonable requests. Sometimes we regret asking them to do something, but that doesnt excuse them from disobeying.

Between the "yes mommy" and the first time obedience thing, we saw significant changes IMMEDIATELY.

Theres a lot more to it, but that was a BIG step for us. IF they throw a temper tantrum, for any reason, they are seperated IMMEDIATELY, and put by themselves - walk away. Temper tantrums are only for attention. Then - they STILL have to follow through with what theyre told once the tantrum is over.

Good luck,
Lala...
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  #7  
June 24th, 2006, 07:41 AM
AmberC's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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All I have to say is get your hands on the book

"1-2-3 Magic." Its a lifesaver.

Amber
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  #8  
June 25th, 2006, 02:22 PM
dingledine's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Okay, I have a wild boy like yours, and I just had to (still have problems btw-almost 12 years old) knuckle down on him. It is tough. In hindsight I wish I had knuckled down more. I did the 1-2-3 book with my oldest, it helped quite a bit, although not as much as I would have liked. However, it IS a good plan. Even more, I am familiar with the video/book series that was referred to, and I like that one better. I cannot recommend a specific book personally, however, I would go with one or the other or both of the two things recommended. Spanking him was appropriate, and what other people here have suggested is appropriate also. Not to get on you about it, but you asked for help and we are trying to give it to you. Better to fix it now, than when he is older. HUGS!

I thought of something to add... As you are having a new one, I did think of a great book in regards to that one. I am reading it with to use with my baby and it is working fabulously so far. I reference it all of the time, it is straight forward, etc. Raising a Happy Unspoiled child (think that is right), by Burton White. Another book set, that has the baby-teen years, which is by (last name) Ezzo. It is the one that is referenced, in regards to growing kid Gods way. Called, BabyWise, babywise 2, Preschool wise, childwise, preteenwise and teen wise.

GOOD LUCK!
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