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Gender Disappointment

Forum: Getting Ready for Baby


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April 18th, 2017, 02:28 PM
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 11
For the last few weeks I've gotten my depression more under control and have actually started getting excited for this little surprise.However now I'm way more upset about the gender. The doctor said she isn't sure and won't be able to confirm till the next appointment but it's looking like a girl. I am NOT made to be around girls. I hate their talkativeness, the sass, doing hair, makeup, shopping, dressing up, the whole nine yards. I can't stand girls unless they're pretty much boys, which is harsh and fills me with guilt honestly... Then I have reproductive issues that are hereditary and probably going to go to her. The last thing I want is my daughter in and out of the ER half her childhood. With a boy I wouldn't have that problem because it's a reproductive organ issue. There has to be some way I can get over this if it really is a girl. It's not fair after how terrible my mom treated me to repeat the cycle by not loving them as a girl. But I just don't. The whole idea makes my depression kick up even higher and every time it kicks up I could drop them off on a doorstep and feel nothing. I'm the world worst mom and they aren't even born yet. PLEASE help me!
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April 28th, 2017, 09:22 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NE Ohio
Posts: 513
Hi. I am sorry. I am at work, but I saw your post on a another thread and wanted to respond, but I always feel strange being a lurker. Haha. This post really hits me in the feels and while I am not really in the same situation, I feel compelled to share my thoughts with you.

I have a son who is 14 months and I am 13w1d pregnant with baby 2. The doctor said at 12 weeks it is another boy and at first I was thrilled, because I have always wanted 3 kids, and my hubby said if we didn't get a girl this time we would maybe try for a third, but then the worry came like what if I never got a girl, because he isn't set on three kids, and I can't imagine not having a girl. The gender disappointment was so hard and so real and made me feel so so terrible.

Well, the blood test done at 12 weeks, same day as the ultrasound, came back a week later and said the baby was female. I am/was utterly shocked. This pregnancy feels like my son, the doctor was sure it was a boy. So now I have a whole new mix of feelings which are eating me up inside. Is the blood test wrong, is the doctor wrong despite being certain enough to tell us it was a boy before, am I going to go back at 16-18 weeks and find out it is another boy and be utterly crushed? So I really feel unexcited, like I don't even want to buy anything, because I am trying to protect myself from heartbreak if in fact the doctors guess was right and I am in the .1 percent of people that the blood test is wrong for.

I will also admit I was a bit bummed when we found out my son was a boy. as I really wanted a little mini me, which by the way I am a good mix of tom boy and girl (I eventually got a bit girlier as I grew (highschool and beyond) but wouldn't say I am girly girl either, (pink- yuck)

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, while it is so so so hard not to feel disappointment, its natural, do not beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. It is natural. Yes, be thankful the child is healthy, and be hopeful if it is a female it won't inherit any issues and maybe will be a little mini-you, to which you can relate and enjoy. But you have control over your actions and your parenting. Choose to be the best parent you can. That decision is hard even when you get the preferred sex. Its a day to day struggle, and just try to put your best foot forward knowing there will be days you fail. I fail at being the best mom...often. I yell sometimes when I shouldn't, get frustrated because I am tired and don't want to wipe a snotty nose one more time, or when he rubs his snot on my work pants as I try to scurry out the door. It is okay. And JM is a great place to find women to support you. My February 2016 Mom group, is utterly amazing. I have no idea how I would cope with out them.

But just so you know, if your baby pops out the next Miss USA in the making and loves rainbows puppies bows glitter and all things pink, there are ways to cope with the disconnect, And while you may not prefer girly things, you can still be a supportive loving and caring mom. I am sure there is someone you know, that can step in and help during the girly moments that you don't think you can live up to.

Take it a day at a time. If it is a girl, let yourself "grieve" the son you wanted. It is okay to feel disappointed. Then refocus your energy in raising a little girl who may grow up to be just like you.

Good luck .

Baby Boy- Born 2/9/16
Baby#2 EDD 11/2/17
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August 14th, 2017, 03:39 PM
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: North Carolina, USA
Posts: 168
Well first, you can't let your depression control your motherhood.Second, you don't have to become your mother.
Third, you can help your daughter live a healthy life and avoid a lot of her reproductive problems.
I know because I've struggled with all this!!
And lastly, I felt before I had kids that I could handle twelve boys before I could handle a girl... I never got along with girls much growing up, and I really didn't understand them at all. Then my first was a girl. I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but I wanted to love her, I chose to love her. Turns out, we get along GREAT, we understand each other, and you know... Even though she loves frilly dresses and pretty shoes, she wears them with a pony tail... In the mud. I love it, and couldn't be happier! So don't stress it, she was given to you for a reason! I'm sure you two will be a great fit.
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