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November 15th, 2009, 01:40 PM
canadian_ehngel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Nanaimo, BC Canada
Posts: 11,833
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I just don't even know what to do anymore. The bad days really outweigh the good days. My oldest daughter is extremely mean to my youngest daughter (oldest is 4 as of November 28, youngest will be 14 months the same day), and vice versa. I'm positive the baby is mean to her sister because her sister has been mean to her since she was 5 months old. They constantly fight, hitting, pinching, and the older one kicks and punches, too. Grace (baby) has gotten a bloody nose from her big sister (Amber), and is lucky she hasn't gotten something worse than that. I find myself crying and yelling on a daily basis. I'm on anti depressants, and have been since Amber was an infant. I find myself getting SO angry that I just don't know what to do anymore. How do I outlet my anger somewhere other than the kids? There are times that the girls get along fantastic, but those times are few and far between. I don't know what kind of punishments to use for the baby for when she does something wrong. I'm trying to teach her not to hit, but how can I when her sister is constantly doing it? Amber gets 1 warning, and then goes straight to a time out when she hits. If she continues, she gets a spank on her bum and another time out. I'm soooo sick of the constant fighting. I'm to the point now where I dread going out by myself with the girls because of the way they act, and I dread when their dad goes to work because they're so unbelievably horrible. Is it my parenting? Am I to blame? I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know if this post makes sense.
Marie, married to Richard, parents to Amber (11.28.05) and Grace (9.28.08)
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November 15th, 2009, 09:14 PM
WishingStar's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 24,820
I wish I had some awesome advice for you. My oldest is 12 and she dislikes her 8 year old sister. I'd almost say hate, but I'm not sure it's that bad... yet. I have four girls and she's not nearly as mean to the other two. I don't know what to do with her. I've talked my head off, I've taken things away, I've grounded... I really can't spank her anymore, she's 12!! The hardest part is that she's making her sisters all mean back. It's like she's corrupting them. But, she's not doing mean enough stuff to put her in counseling or anything. I don't know what to do. But, I wanted to tell you I understand, hang in there, and it's not your fault.

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November 15th, 2009, 11:40 PM
MyDuckySam's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Four Corners, FL
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I have a 4 yo boy and an 8 mo boy.

I think the biggest thing that has helped us is lots and lots of positive reinforcement. Sugar coating everything. IT doesn't help that my 4yo is delayed.

I don't give anymore warnings for timeout. and it's hit him harder that I tell him just to go in my calmest possible voice. In fact, the calmer I am, the more he gets the idea I am NOT happy.

We talk about being friends and being happy. Sam wants to be my friend and wants me to be happy, so I play to that. It's only been in the last few days that Sam has been loving to Henry with kisses and hugs rather than pushing and "no henry, that's mine." He even picks up toys and gives them to him.

I wish I could say some of it is the age and the distance between the girls, but as Talia pointed out, it can continue later on.
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November 27th, 2009, 04:19 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
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I think i am gonna bother people by this post, but what the hell, it's an opinion, albeit you might never use it and discard it.....ok? Now you mentioned somewhere in there that first you get angry often and second you spank bottoms. I wouldn't be surprised therefore where the older one gets her attitude from. She sees you physically forcing yourself to her (even though it might be mild) so she uses the same technique to her baby sister. Ditto to the anger. Kids learn from us.....EVERYTHING.....and that means moods, attitudes, ways of dealing with everyday life or with each other. Baby sister learns her attitude from her older sister and you. Neither is positive. I think you have to sit yourself down take a long breath and think what possible things you could change in order to teach your lovely daughters respect for you and for each other. And the best way to do that is by doing it first yourself. That might mean you managing your anger issues (i am by no means a saint, i am struggling with anger myself that is why i am telling you all this), and also by managing yourself and your physical actions towards your eldest daughter. That might mean no spanking at all. Remember when you force yourself upon a child no matter what way you do it, you are teaching them that it is ok for them to force themselves upon the world, with many many ways..... It all starts with us unfortunately. And i am reminding things to myself also with this post. You said you need to teach her not to hit. Well you cannot teach her not to hit, if you (as a mom) use hitting as a punishment. How can you teach her to NOT TO do what you are doing to her anyway.......? It doesn't make sense.....people ban spanking from your lives. Kids need respect in every form. If you respect them and you teach them what respect means then maybe they can respect you and others.....it makes sense doesn't it?

Take care

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going to where no one dares
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Last edited by Ellemphriem; November 27th, 2009 at 04:23 AM.
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November 28th, 2009, 06:30 PM
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I'm sorry to hear your dealing with this 2. It is very hard dealing with two young children when they are fighting.. Its sometimes hard to know what right and how to deal with them fighting.

My two dd s are like best mates at times and next they are wanting to kill each other. I sit down with them both and talk to them in a calm voice about it.. or i ask them whats wrong, why are they fighting, I get them to say sorry and the hug and run off playing in the end.

I have gave my oldest daughter time out. But the same thing goes I sit down and tell her its wrong and not to hurt her sister and to use her voice not her hands.

I think once my youngest is a little older and can voice her problems it will get a little easier.

For yourself I would recommend yoga, mediation and talk to friends, family a councellor. You need to be able to talk about your feelings.

If my girls are playing up big time I will ring my mum or dad and talk about them.. I prefer to get my frustrations out and to be calm before I go nuts.

Heres a link that may help a little.
How to Stop Sibling Squabbles and Sibling Rivalry Preschoolers

Take care momma it will get better in time. Stay strong.

Also i had to agree I would stop with the spanking. I would try talking with your dds or time out first. Just if you smack them they do seem to think its ok to smack others. I have learnt from that. I use to spank my four year olds bum when she'd hurt her sister when she wasa baby and before i knew it my 4 year old was wanting to smack me, her dad and her sister when she got angry at us.
So i stopped and she doesnt smack me or her dad anymore. Still gets into fights with her sister though.
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November 30th, 2009, 08:09 PM
AugustRaine's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm going through the same thing. Question...do you get any individual, one on one time with Amber? I'm finding that taking time with just Augie is changing his attitude a little bit. Augie is 3 (in 3 days! ) and Maddie is 15 mos. and he's been hitting, pushing, punching her and he doesn't do that to anyone else. She in return has started doing the same thing because she is following his example.

I think the older children's anger can come from having to share everything now, toys, mommy... Augie get's angry with Maddie when she takes his toys and stuff, but he does the same to her. My solution at first was a threat of a smack on the toosh, I actually never really did it unless he did something really bad and I'd already warned him over and over. I agree that spanking can set bad examples for kids but I totally understand the helplessness on not knowing what else to do. I think immediate time outs, maybe taking away a favorite toy or something might help. I am also finding that the less yelling I do, the more response I get. Sometimes it takes ten minutes to get them to calm down, stop screaming and listen to me, but when I do speak softly rather than yell at them, they are listening better.

I know what you are going through and how hard it is. I totally feel for you... I've started trying to take it one day at a time, and waking up in the morning with the idea that today is going to be a good day in my head. I know it's easy to expect it to be a terrible day because it seems like everyday is so hard, but if you think that way sometimes you set yourself up for it. Try to take a step back, take a deep breath when you feel like yelling, and know that this is a phase and it won't last forever. I hope it gets better soon! Good luck!
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February 11th, 2010, 12:00 PM
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 48
I've read a lot of good advice on here about this subject, some that I agree with, and others are just not for me. I personally do believe in spanking - when and if necessary. I don't spank them on the bottom every time they do something I don't agree with. My kids are 12, 10, and a girl 4. My problem is my 4 year old who has this "queen of the house" mentality. She's been this way every since she was old enough to express her feelings - around 1 year old. I have an in-home daycare and she has been home with me (and it) every since she was born. It's got to be hard, sharing all your toys, space, and mommy time with other kids - whether they are your siblings or not. She's very high strung and hits and screams a lot as well.

I definitely agree with you trying to give Amber some "alone with mommy" time. I know it can be hard because the little still needs so much from you, but maybe you could start putting little one down about 30 minutes earlier for nap each day and let that be your special time with Amber. Or even better, the entire nap time could be hers if she no longer takes naps. She can help you fold laundry, write a grocery list, file some papers, or anything that makes her feel special or needed. That's all she wants - to feel special again. When little sis came along, she took Amber's spot as "the baby" of the family and that can be hard. I have three daycare children going through this right now so we try not to mention their sibling's name a lot and make this be "their" time with me each day - because their siblings are coming to me in a few months as well. Hope you get some answers here. And remember, preschool is not far away
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October 3rd, 2010, 09:01 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada <3
Posts: 1,370
I'm with you. My 3 yr old & 4yr old fight all the time... they get warnings... then its straight to their rooms, most of the time they end up falling asleep. Which is why they're so mean to eachother, because they're tired.
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