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Forum: Done Having Children


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April 26th, 2011, 01:25 PM
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1
Well, here I am. *sigh*

I am a 38yo sahm to 10 beautiful kids, ages 18 down to 1. Dh and I have been married 19 years and they are all ours (we often get asked). No twins, all single births. I know a large family is not for everyone and that's ok. We didn't start out planning for a large family. It just didn't feel right to end our family building after our 3rd (when everyone insisted that we should be done because it was crazy to have more). We've done everything on our own and have never had to rely on anyone else for anything. Dh has an awesome job and works his butt off. I handle the rest.

6 weeks ago he sent me a text completely out of the blue that said, "I made an appointment for a vasectomy so you'll need to drive me."

It has been something we've discussed....over the last 15 years!!! but it just never felt right to either of us. For him to drop this on me was so heartbreaking. I cried and told him I wish I would have been included in the final decision. He apologized and agreed. I told him, for many reasons other than wanting more children (which, oddly enough, I felt "comfortable" with what we have), in my heart it is just not right but I also worry about complications and any problems he could have in the future. He did no research at all. He didn't know what technique the Dr would use, how long it would take, what the recovery time was, anything. I sat down and tried to look online with him but he got mad and didn't want to hear it. I told him again how hurt I was at not being included in something that was going to affect my future, too. He said he knew.

Then, 12 days ago, he went and had it done. I never asked him not to because it IS his body. I told him I didn't want him to do it. I took care of him afterward while he laid on the couch for 2 days. My heart hurts so bad. It is not so much that I am done having kids because, holy cow, I have 10 beautiful souls in my life, and I am very much aware of how blessed I am. I am hurt because the choice was made for me and, worse yet, who the person was who made it.

He was told by the dr that he would not be sterile for at least 6 weeks or 20 ejaculations, or longer/more. He was all over me the next day and every day after that. He has not taken any precautions. I am not sure how I feel about that. I don't understand how he can be so carefree yet do something so permanent. I am starting to feel a bit "used". I don't think he understands the emotions that are being played here. I could very well end up pregnant again.

I go back and forth between being okay with the decision while still extremely hurt at how it came to be and starting to feel anger and resentment in a huge way.

I am so confused and don't know how to feel. I know what I have and I am okay with where I am at in life. I was fine with having no more babies until someone took that away from me in such a hurtful way. Why does life work like that?

He has been having some pain that he says feels like build-up. I said I knew what he was talking about and that it was because the sperm has nowhere to go. He looked at me with this bewildered look on his face so I asked what he thought was going to happen. He said, "I thought they just all disolve in your body....that's what I heard on the radio." I looked at him and said, "Well, they don't just magically disappear. They eventually dissolve but, until they do, there is no where for them to go." Then I told him how he needs to make sure he keeps an eye on the pain because there can be inflamation and he might need to be seen, etc. He said "....I didn't know any of that." I asked, "Would you have still done it if you had known?" He said, "...I don't know...."

I just feel so sick over all of it. I keep waiting for myself to get over it and it is just not happening. I am fine but sad when he is around but don't say anything because I don't want to make him feel guilty or drive a stake between us. But he leaves for days at a time and it is then, when I am alone that I get angry. It is like a bad dream and I can't believe it really happened. I am waiting for and fearing the day that he comes home and my anger stays. I also don't know how much my hormones are playing into all of this because I am still bfing our youngest (only at night and it is more of a pacifier that source of nutrition) AF returned about 5 months ago and has been really weird. My oldest just went off to college this year and I have adjusted but it has been hard getting used to her not being here. I just have so much to deal with, emotionally. And then he does this.

I don't expect anyone, really, to relate to how I feel. I realize my situation is not the norm. I have no one to talk to about this. I have gotten so much slack from family about the size of my family that I would NEVER bring it up to them. I just needed a place to spill my guts. I am sorry if any of this has offended any one for any reason. Thanks for listening.....
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April 26th, 2011, 05:20 PM
MellieB's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Melbourne, Aust.
Posts: 64,110

That was not fair of him to make that decision without you. It may be his body but you are his wife and it effects you too.

Thanks to Claire1979 for the amazing siggy.

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May 2nd, 2011, 05:02 PM
mznikkieynkay's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Fellamere,Fl
Posts: 1,059
wow i can only imagine what ur goin thru bcz i kno thats how i woud feel yes its hs body but u guys are 1 and he really should hv brought it to ou so u both could agree. i too hv a big fam 7 kids all from my dh and dat wud hv hurt me too! you see we dont want anymore children either but dnt wanna tie my tudes and he doesnt want a vasc so im gttn my 10 year iud again that way we hv an option if we did(we not lol) decided to try again! but i hope u feel better!!

thanks graysMama for my siggy
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