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My icky story

Forum: Post Partum Depression


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November 15th, 2004, 11:26 AM
Texas Mom
Posts: n/a
Was asked to make a new post...here ya go!

Wowie oh wowie.*

I'm so sorry to hear both of your painful stories. You know I posted that how many of you have been abused poll once and it still sickens me that stories like this are so rampant. I have no doubt that we will read a lot more of these. It takes real ba!!s to post this. You risk the chance of someone jumping your for decisions or actions you might have taken and just know that you ladies have a safehaven. Anyone who can tear someone down further for being truthful and honest can't see beyond themselves and that a real world exists outside of their quite unrealistic one. Grant you, if this is you reading this last sentence, count your lucky stars. I too can join the dismal ranks!

My dad is a doctor who wanted to be married...lots of times. He has been married 7 times. My mom never got remarried until we were out of high school. My mom came from an abusive family too. Her father sexually abused her. When her mother caught on, she was disgusted with my mother and would chastise and beat her. Although her own mother never stopped it either....

My mother was 14 years old and her father told her he was taking her for the all together too familar "car rides." Only this time he had a gun in the car and instead of raping her, he held the gun to her head and told her how they were both going to die for what he had been doing. They were both bawling and she was begging for her life when he turned the gun on himself and shot himself in front of her in their car. My mother walked over 5 miles to find help, covered in her own fathers blood and no doubt shame, guilt and anyother misguided feelings a confused 14 year old would feel when knowing there was no one else she could trust. Her mother was so distraught that her disgusting piece of work as a husband was dead, that she covered herself in the flag from his burial on the couch daily for her and her two younger sisters to see. She stopped working and there was no food. Mom said eating condiments for meals was even diminishing, so she got on her mothers suits and makeup and got her self a job at a local department store and lied saying she was of age. She supported her family until she met her first husband and had my oldest sister. She left him for my father and had my brother and I. She went through many a beating and strange acts. That is too painful to discuss....

My mom has been diagnosed as bi-polar and has been a loving mother but shows her bi-polar side quite frequently in strange acts or saying things that literally cut like a knife. (Very, long story)

Dad's wives 2-4 were short term, one annulment and basically we were pawned off on qutie a few nanny's. My dad's 5th wife was there the longest and beat my brother and I as a past time. With 2x4's, whatever she could grab, literally chasing us around the house, us fearful for any wrong word that might part our lips or look that would send her into a tail spin. I would wake up at night with her hot breath in my face and try so hard not to move, change my breathing patters or cry. I just knew she was going to kill me one day. One time she hit my brother so hard in the face (while she was driving) that she made him get out of her mercedes to drip dry the blood before he was allowed back in the car. She typically preferred us to all ride in the front seat as to have easy access for smacking you. Allowances were given $50 a week, however we never saw them. She would post a piece of paper with "deductions" on them. Deductions = For not saying manners, chipped finger nail polish, B's, not wearing a belt, shirts not properly tucked in, ironed, folded, whatever. So essentially, it made her an easy $100 bucks a week. According to my dad who claims cluelessness during this 7 year period, he paid her weekly. My brother and I had a little side business and had a savings account...after their divorce, my brother and I went through hundreds of checks written out of our minor account, by her, for pedicures, manicures, hair, etc. I watched her niece get worse abuse than me, weekly pulled down the staircase by her hair and beaten as we were for anything. Monthly our step witch would take us to the day old bakery and spend $100 on sweets (you know this was the motherload when crap costs 25 cents), make us put them in an outdoor freezer and she would lock it with a pad lock. I guess the mind game of it all as we were not allowed sweets. Same with sodas, they'd go under their bed by the case load. I wasn't allowed friends. I was followed if I was allowed to go anywhere outside of school and threatened or beat daily for what? I'm still trying to figure that out. I basically wish for her death. I hate her with every fiber of my being and I feel she is a black vile virus that I can never rid myself of. This story, like others, is way too long to write, (look for my book on shelves...LOL) but she would play mind games telling me I'd be useless and worthless and explain in detail how my demise would play out....just a few weeks ago I'm driving down the road and caught a glimpse of my right eye in the rearview mirror.....I had I guess a flashback of how she told me my blue eyes were beautiful, but when I would get older the fleshy top part of my eye would sag and I would need cosmetic surgery to correct it to avoid loss of vision....not even thinking about the b*itch, she still invaded me and I had to pull off the ###### road because my vision was so blurred with hot tears. I mean, the hag even took me to a plastic surgeon to have a consult on getting a nose job...she told me I could be pretty if it was fixed correctly. Needless to say...I've had counseling, but never til fruition...whatever that even means....LOL. Everytime I really broach my past, I still can't confront it. My brother has completely blocked out ALL of our childhood. He'll even call us liars when we talk about a trip or an instance....he always looks scared and confused.

In counseling, they've always told me that I have to totally concentrate on raising my children (that was before I even had them or thought of it) because 40% of me could let them run wild, 40% of me could turn into my step witch or 20% chance that I'd play my cards right and think before everything I do. So far I'm definately 20%, but I'm not gonna lie. It is the hardest and longest part of my life I've led thus far...having children. It was one thing all of this affecting me, but now I've brought two kids who didn't ask to be brought here to me to raise, love, teach and so much more. I had bad PPD with Cole and just refused to have it with Alli. (LOL, yeah right...I still have tendancies)

PROPS TO YOU LADIES! I don't know what else to say other than for me, it is a constant faith. Trusting in that is the only thing that has given me hope.

Seeing this thread and having Jaime lead the way in showing us that a foot in the door has to come somewhere in learning there are others out there and we need each other to get through. Thank you ladies, thank you for sharing and giving me a little hope that this board might be the payoff I was looking for!*[/b]
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November 15th, 2004, 11:38 AM
TylerJ1029's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: at my desk
Posts: 27,881
WOW. I cant believe you had to live with that beast of a woman. What does your father say about the whole thing? Sorry you had to live with that.

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November 15th, 2004, 11:40 AM
Posts: n/a

Thank you so much for sharing your story!! I truly believe that the more we talk about our ugly pasts, the closer we get to recovery. Starting next Monday I am going to start a weekly "How are you doing this week" thread (thanks to Jamie for the idea), so we can keep up with each other and help each other out. I hope you join in.
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November 15th, 2004, 11:44 AM
Texas Mom
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Thanks to both. As far as my dad....he is in denial. He has always said he didn't know, he wished he would have known. I mean, as a young adult, I believed it. However, having my own children has taken the cloth off of that pathetic excuse!
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November 15th, 2004, 11:51 AM
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Letting this stuff out really helps, and knowing that there are other people out there that have gone thru similar situations is uplifting. I am so glad so many other women had been couragous enough to share. Thank You
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November 15th, 2004, 12:06 PM
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Hugs, I am glad we can open up here and have women support each other through these tough and often taboo issues.
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November 15th, 2004, 03:22 PM
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(HUGS) I am sorry you had to deal with that as a child. I think there are more ppl who deal with these things than anyone realizes. It is sad, but at least we can all turn to each other, and help those who may be going through those things right now. (HUGS)
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December 3rd, 2004, 06:50 PM
I Heart 4x4
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I am just now reading this. ((hugs)) I can't even hardly imagine.
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December 3rd, 2004, 11:18 PM
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{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} Crissy!!! BTDT w/ a step mom too. Think Cinderella and you have my story. I think she was jealous I was my dad's only (surviving) child. Also I had been sexually abused by the pastor of our church and during a fight when I moved back home (big mistake) she told me if I wasn't such a rotten child it wouldn't have happened. Years it took to be able to get over that and move on. I have never told my dad and I think he may know she may have told him for kicks for all I know. PPD killed my mom when I was 5mos and my dad (according to those who know) has never been the same. For years he was a drunk who never abused be just my 1st step mom and himself. Constantly blaming himself for my mom's sickness. Didn't help that her family kept telling him he'd killed her. All except for grandma who still to this die refuses to believe an admit to how my mom died. I thank God I didn't live thru your horror and can't imagine how you survived. Thanks for sharing I know how hard it can be. My step mom died shortly after my son was born and told my dad to tell me she had no ill will for me. Basically please forgive me. Well if I want forgiveness I have to forgive others. I am right now going thru a rough spot that I really think could be PPD. If you want to know look at my post under Parenting in Preschoolers. More {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}. God bless you. Your not alone and it really does help to tell people. Everytime I share my story it gets easier. Tho my dad is now at least once a mo apologising for what happened. He saw what he wanted to see at the time a mom for me who had kids I could grow up w and so on. Thanks again for sharing I know how hard it is.
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