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Trying to stay positive......but getting harder

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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May 31st, 2008, 07:40 AM
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I have been trying to talk my mom into coming over when my baby is due and have donated a chunk towards that fund for flying. I know she hoards money and has plenty to pay her bills but says she doesn't want to live pay check to pay check. I would understand if her money was tight but it's not. She thinks that because I have family over here that I don't need her. Yes, they are my family and my bil and sil live across the street, but I can't even tell you the last time I have stepped foot in their door. She doesn't even ask how we are doing and she knows how much I like to go to the car boot sales, especially since being pregnant, but has only asked me once this year so far. To top it off, she had just told me that her brother and his wife are expecting and she was constantly looking for stuff for them and maternity wear for her. I was hurt by this. I spoke with my husband and he says it's probably because this is their first baby.

However, we didn't have any baby stuff as we had to sell it all before moving here so we have to start all over. Am I crazy wrong for feeling hurt?!!!?

My mom isn't buying anything for the baby either because of bills have to be paid and she has the crib mattress that my teenager used and then my last baby. She worked for Serta and had them custom make it. It still looks brand new. Anyway, she doesn't want to send it over because she is afraid that I will sell it when I'm done. Thing is, this is our last baby so what am I supposed to do with it? We have a tiny tiny house with tiny storage. Plus, it would be used for 4 to 5 years. So now instead of paying £40 to ship it over, I will have to pay over £100 to get a semi decent mattress that even partly compares with it.

I feel so isolated here too, have no real friends and only get out when I have to walk to town or go to the doctors. I try to do things when Alex is off school, but this week has been horrible with rainy windy weather. I've tried inviting my sil and her kids over but something always comes up. Oh, and I remember now, the last time I was in their house was the end of Jan for Ben's birthday.

I'm most upset with my mom. We can't go there with the new baby because that will be 5 people and airfare is so expensive right now. Tickets have doubled in less that a year. The other thing is, we only talk on the computer. I had to talk to her everyday when she wasn't working which isn't easy being 5hrs ahead and having a family and house to run. But I would anyway and then everytime I would try to go she gave me a hard time and it would always take nearly an hour to get off the net. So I had it out with her last week that she needs to stop making me feel guilty, I can't change that I'm here. I hate it here, but have to be grateful for what I have and the fact that since moving here, my husband stopped smoking, I lost 72 pounds and we are finally pregnant after trying for so long. So at least the last time I talked to her I was able to get off the net quickly.

I'm so sorry for ranting but I'm just feeling so down and trying to stay positive arrrrggghhhhh

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May 31st, 2008, 08:43 AM
woohoo502's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Illinois
Posts: 6,635
I'm so sorry. I would be upset too.
~Whitney mommy to Zoe 9/26/08 and Zachary 3/2/12~

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May 31st, 2008, 08:44 AM
jademyst13's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 5,129

I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive. You will make it through though
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May 31st, 2008, 09:38 AM
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Thanks ladies! My family is so important to me, especially my mom. My bil and sil are going to take Ethanael when we go into labour but I already feel guilty because she already has 2 children. Hopefully, we'll go into labour when she's not home and one of my neighbors can take him. I do have the sweetest neighbors. One is a childminder as well.

To add to my week, a blue shirt ended up in my lights and I now have lots of new blue items. Thankfully most were Ethanaels and his bedding, so blue is good for that. My sweet teenager......I sent them upstairs last night to clean up before I got Ethanael ready for bed and Alex went ahead and put him to bed and read his story. Well, I woke up this morning and walked in his room and all you could smell was pee. Yuck. So I had to strip him down, his bedding down....oh boy, what a morning.

As you say, I'll get through once the idea of my mom not coming gets through. I know it's not easy for her being so far away either.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you all about the bed I ordered for the baby. It's a hammock on a cradle like stand and it came the other day. I set it up and there is no way I'm putting my baby in there. The fabric on the ends is really tight but the sides are so loose you can take the fabric all the way to the bottom and if you use the mattress and the baby rolls or is accidently bumped in it since it swings, he or she could easily get caught and suffocate. I have contacted the seller twice now and I'm giving them one more chance before I file a claim with paypal. We thought about trying to fix it but I would never forgive myself if something happened. At least I only paid £32 with shipping.

Thanks again for letting me vent. I do feel better now.
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May 31st, 2008, 09:50 AM
Mum2three's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: St. John's Newfoundland
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Awe, i dont like to hear that anyones family isnt supportive. You are the daughter as well, and should be treated as one. Its not your fault that you live so far away. and it would be cheaper for your mother to fly down then 5 ppl. Seems like your making the effort and going more then half way, and shes not really doing anything. Your mom should be more involved with you and your family as there is a travel distance. My MIL and FIL live 5000 miles away and they still come up every 2 years to visit the family. and they always call to see how we and the children are doing. If not then they email. Its not that hard. Mabey you need to explain it in detail to your mom how you feel and what you would like to see come of it.

I hope she changes for the better..

Big Hugs!!

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May 31st, 2008, 10:08 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: California
Posts: 7,567
I am so sorry Pamela I would be hurt as well. That really sucks your mom will not come visit you, it makes no sense to me if her excuse is money, but you are willing to reimburse her, kwim? Sounds like she has other reasons but isnt saying them??

I hope she comes around and realizes how important this is to you and comes to visit and gives you and your baby the attention you both deserve, whether this is your first baby or not, its a precious new baby that should be celebrated!

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May 31st, 2008, 11:30 AM
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Thanks Heather and Brandy, I have talked to her about it, she already has $600 towards it plus some things I left behind, I told her to sell towards the fund, so that's another $100. I really just wanted her to be here to experience the new baby with me. I honestly think it's just work, she never likes to take time off. We did manage to get her here last Sept for 3 weeks but she was able to take vacation time. She has since changed jobs and won't get one now until April of next year. I even mentioned that time along with the fact that she will have her tax return to cover lost wages. She was just as bad when we lived in North Carolina and in over 4 years, she came once......when Ethanael was born.

My husbands parents are completely opposite, a bit smothering sometimes. Don't ge me wrong they are great caring people but........they would come over 2-3 times a year and would stay for 2 months. He had some anger issues and we had some really bad arguements. The worst was when E was born and I was in the bedroom constantly nursing. He ate like crazy and other than that I was tired with a newborn. They yelled at me and he called me a wolf in sheeps clothing. He's on medication now so that's all water under the bridge but 2 months was way too long and I told my dh about it. I finally got everyone on board that it should only be 1 month because it was just too much. Then about 2 months late we moved here.

We now see them once a week, we go over for a meal. It's nice to have one day of the week where I don't have to cook!

We're going over tomorrow and I wonder if I can convince my hubby that we should pitch our new tent before going away. I don't want to get to camp and all eyes on us as we fumble with the tent. Plus, we need to know if I can help get it up, it's a family canvas tent and it's heavy. I do have to say that camping in the states is the best. It's so different here. Usually camping in a field, not a lot of trees and most don't allow campfires which means no campfire smores or marshmellows.

This has been really good therapy but I'm sorry to have brought all my feelings here and put that on you all.
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May 31st, 2008, 11:45 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: California
Posts: 7,567
dont be sorry, thats what we are here for

I am glad it looks like things are working out! thats great news!! I hope you have fun camping, we are looking at a campsite today and hope to camp on fathers day weekend
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May 31st, 2008, 12:06 PM
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Heather, I love camping.......and try to make the best of it here. We went away this past weekend and got all set up and the next morning some strong winds knocked down the back pole of the tent. So we ended up coming back home the next morning. Sucked. The retailer is sending it back to the Vango for testing. Looks like a defective pole but I've told them that I don't want the tent after this. I won't trust it.

Our tents here are huge though, as we get lots of rain. Everytime we have gone away in the past year, we've had rain. We even have "carpets" for our tents....lol So we need more living space, especially with kids. I love camping for another reason too.....my husband does all the cooking. Although I do most of the prep work at home, just makes it easier.

Now I really want to get that tent up!!!

Oh, and I made a chicken pasta salad to take tommorow, it has seasoned potatoes, bell peppers, chicken, penne pasta, shredded carrots, broccoli, greek yogurt, and garlic and herbed dressing. It's so yummy and tastes good hot or cold.
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