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The arival of Tank...aka Matthew James

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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February 7th, 2009, 10:26 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Matthew James came into my life on Feb 7, 2009. He was 8lbs 9oz and 22 inches long. He has all his little fingers and toes. He is a very easy going sweet newborn. We planned on having all the kids in the delivery room but in the end only Stephany(18) stuck around for the long haul. My mom and Dave were also there with me.

The details are a little fuzzy...all days seem to run together now. It's been 2 nights and I have had a total of about 5 hrs of sleep.

We came in on Thursday at 9:30pm to start the induction. They were supposed to use cytotec but after I looked up the drug...there is NO WAY in hedoublehockey sticks that they were putting that in me. It is not FDA approved for use in pregnancy. It baffles me that dr's are so pushy about a drug that is not for use in the way that they push it. After lots of questioning as to why I didn't want it and being made to feel like I am some idiot they gave me the cervidil instead. Cervidil is FDA approved, but costs more money and doesn't react as fast, but can be managed. Cytotec cannot be stopped once started. Anyways....

They put that in around 11pm and gave me Ambien to help me sleep. Well, that was useless. I still didn't sleep. Hospital beds are not comfy and there is just too much going on to sleep. Plus the dumb BP cuff went off every 15 minutes from the time I got here, to the time Tank got here. UGH Good news is my blood pressure stayed normal the entire time with only one exception when it went over 140/90. I did start seeing flashing lights during the induction that scared the heck out of me, but reaffirmed any doubt I had about this induction being necessary. That was scary.

We woke up Friday morning and at 7:30 they announced a fire on the 6th floor. (3 above us) our room smelled like smoke so we had to leave for a while and walked around for a bit and chatted with the nurses on the floor. Turned out to be nothing... probably a ballast(sp?)

After the cervidil they started Pitocin on Friday at 12:00pm. I wanted a natural drug free birth free from any interventions. God laughed at my plans. And I am talking a big belly laugh not chuckles. As soon as the real induction began I was then hooked up to an eternal fetal monitor, contraction monitor, IV and BP cuff. Four things on my body attached at all times that made me feel like a prisoner in my bed and made me miserable. When I came in the dr's exam did not reflect my dr's exam.... so the induction was rough. My body really wasn't ready. Tank wasn't ready either...but I knew I NEEDED to get him out. My body was not handling pregnancy very well any more. I do not regret my decision, but it makes me sad that this was how a pretty good, and definately happy pregnancy had to end. I feel like I cheated my little man out of the birth he could have had.

At 4pm Friday they broke my water. I was 3cm. I have never seen so much water in my life. It was amazing. The nurses were shocked at the amount of fluid. It was actually funny. They kept upping the pitocin. The contractions were mild but consistant. Tanks heart rate kept dropping throughout the induction though.

Friday night around 10pm I felt like I was in transition. I was shaking, crying, and just having a meltdown. I really felt like it was going well and I would be told we were almost there. They checked me and I was only at 4cm. At that point i was on the birthing ball next to my bed. (Amazing thing to labor on.... if your hospital has one, give it a try....amazing!) With the pitocin our hospital requires a nurse to be in the room at all times. My nurse at that point was GREAT. Tanks hb kept getting *lost* on the monitor because every contraction I had made the monitor slip down. So on the print out it looked like he was in distress but in reality it was the dumb monitor in distress, not my little Tank. My nurse knew exactly what was going on and that he was fine. She even called in to the desk to tell them what was happening so no one came running. Well after about an hour my doctor had had enough of thinking he was in distress and came in and ordered the internal fetal monitor. She was really getting scared. UGH...good that she wanted to be sure but bad for me because now I had to have something else done to me that I sooooo didn't want. Getting that darn thing put on his head hurt like you can't believe.

At that point I was still at 4cm and the baby was very high. Basically my labor was really stalled and I was starting to feel real pain. I now had a tube running between my legs and I was super annoyed at how things were going. I was also starting to get emotional because all I could think is once one thing goes wrong it starts the medical waterfall that almost always ends in a c-section for *failure to progress* I lost it. I kicked everyone out of the room (three of our kids and my mom) and I had a melt down. I was crying because everything was going so wrong. This was exactly the opposite of what I envisioned. After my melt down I felt ten times better.

Around midnight I was in serious pain. I felt like I was going to be fully dilated at my next exam. I was crushed to hear I was still at 4cm with no change. During this time Tank was really looking like he was in distress. My dr decided she now wanted an internal contraction monitor too. I lost it. Everything felt like it was going wrong that could. I only wanted to go home and would have if I could. I could not use the tub or shower due to all the crap hooked up to me and I was really upset. I felt so out of control.

Around 2am I was in the worst pain of my life and could not get through it no matter what I did. For the first time in my life I could not deal with the pain. I was begging for a c-section, but got my head together and realized I had to have an epidural if I was going to have this baby. I was STILL at 4cm and the pitocin was cranked way up and they would not back it off. My nurse was a jerk at that point too and did nothing to help me. She was the worst nurse I have ever had. She ignored my questions and was anti natural birth. She would not get the kids extra blankets or pillows and refused to do anything to make them more comfortable. Everyone was miserable.

I asked for an epidural and it was in by 2:30am. Of course now I had to have a catheter too.... just another tube coming out of my body. I really felt like I was going to end up having a c-section by the time this was over. Everything was going sooo wrong. Tanks hb was really showing some distress at that point. I was now scared for my baby too. Somewhere around 4am...Tank and I had a talk. It was then I decided on his name. I think in my mind I was scared to get too close to my baby. I was afraid if I named him he wouldn't be real I guess. I could not stand the thought of losing him....so I guess I kept my self from loving him fully until then. After our little talk I felt at peace with my labor. I was doing what I had to do to get him here. Nothing else really mattered. I wanted a totally natural birth like I have had in the past, but it just wasn't meant to be. I let it go and forgave myself. I then fell asleep and slept for two hours. I woke up feeling like a new person and felt like I was ready to welcome this child.

I was talking to my nurse(she was sooo nice after I asked for the drugs...what a jerk) and found out that she was going off shift at 6:30am but would be there till 7:30am if I got to 10cm and was ready to push by then. I also found out the doctor I am more comfortable with was coming on at 7:30. They did a check and found out I was at 10cm around 7am. I then made a decision to at least have some control over my labor. LOL I told them I had no pressure and felt no urge to push. I was going to keep telling them that until shift change unless I felt like the baby was falling out. A little late to take control.... but it felt good to at least end my labor my way. By 7:30 I was feeling serious pressure. Here they call it passive descent when you just allow your body to push the baby down and just save the pushing for the last couple minutes. There is no reason to waste your energy and risk tearing by forcing the baby down with pushing. By allowing him to come down on his own slowly you usually stretch better and avoid an episotomy.

At 8:00am shifts had changed, I now had a nurse I loved (she was there the day before) and the dr I prefered. I was ready! I told them I felt pressure then...LOL In 23 minutes Matthew James was born.... with no tear and no episitomy! I FINALLY got my way on one thing that meant A LOT to me. I was dreading being cut. I was cut with both my other kids and never wanted to have that done again. My dr was amazing, my nurses were caring and positive. My baby was born healthy and happy. So what if I couldn't get the birth I dreamed of.... actually I did, it's just some of the details that got mixed up

Around 6am my kids had to leave they had stuff to do and I told them it was their choice to stay or leave. They chose to leave. I was really dissapointed but I didn't want to force them to stay. Dave's oldest daughter and my mom stayed. I am so glad Steph decided to tough it out. No one got any sleep that night, everyone was cranky. Steph and Matthew are going to have an amazing bond... I can tell. She is in love with her new little brother. She also has now witnessed the birth of another human being and I am sure it is something she will never forget. Matthew was in awe of his big sister just moments after birth. When he looked at her and turned his head to her voice wide eyed and alert I think he sealed the bond for life. She just can't get enough of him. I think it will make her and I closer too. God knows with step kids any extra bond you can get is a much added bonus. Step parenting is tough...LOL

Durning his birth right before pushing I was running a fever. Because of that Matthew and I are on *watch* for 48 hours. I have been given a couple does of penecillian (sp?) and we both need complete checks every two hours. It's frustrating, but I understand the need to be sure we are both okay.

While pushing I managed to do damage to my IV site and my hand swelled to a size I have never seen. It looked like I was bit by a snake. Iy hurt like heck and I could no longer use my right hand. Shortly after that I got up after delivery to use the bathroom and wash up and almost passed out due to blood loss. I thought for sure I was headed towards a transfusion. Due to the blood loss I was pretty much confined in bed for the day.

They had to take the IV out as soon as my hand swelled up and then I need a new on in my left hand. So now both hands were useless. It is really hard to nurse with useless hands. I was at the mercy of my wonderful nurses. Luckily they are GREAT with breastfeeding and my little man is a nursing pro so far.

Now it's 16 hours after his birth and I am finally feeling almost myself again. I am in love with my little man and so thankful for the help I have had from everyone around me. Luckily the visitors were kept to a minimum today and the ones I did have were just close family.

Now the adventure begins. I so look forward to where my life is going. The doctor who deliver Matthew is the same doctor who did my D&C with the loss of our first angel. I feel like I have come full circle and am so blessed with what I have been given. I finally feel at peace with life.

I will post pictures tomorrow..... thanks for reading if you made it this far
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (23) Amanda (20) Matthew ( 6) and Daniel (4).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (24) and Krista (21)
step-grandma to: Wesley, Rosemarie, Scarlett

On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon.
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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February 7th, 2009, 10:49 PM
Doodle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Orlando-ish Florida
Posts: 10,919
I'm so glad he is here safe and sound. What an epic birth adventure!
Visit my photography page
Erin, Mama to 6 little birds

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February 7th, 2009, 10:58 PM
Danielley08's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,594
Awwwwwwwwwwww!! Bobbie!!!!

I'm just a completely emotional mess (gotta love prego hormones!!)!!!!

I'm so happy that Mr Matthew finally made it here...I'm sorry things didn't go as planned, but then again when do most things in a PAL mommy's world?

I hope you two are healthy and good to go within the next day or two and before you know it you are back home and loving your little man...

Can't wait for all those newborn pics you are gonna drown us in!!!

Once again...CONGRATS mommy!!!!

(Boys' birthdays are backwards...lol)
~Thank you to claire1979 for my siggy~
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February 7th, 2009, 11:14 PM
dee68's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Illinois ( originally From New Jersey:)
Posts: 13,040
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I had to sneak back on and see if you posted ! LOL

I am so very very happy for you and your family. Matthew will be surrounded by love and KNOW it. He is a very lucky little boy !
I am glad you are starting to feel better......you must have been EXHAUSTED

Now the fun starts mommy !! Wooooo Hoooooooooooo !!!!! Enjoy your quiet time with your little man Bobbie, and give him a little peck on the forehead from all of us at PAL.

we can not wait to see pics of him !

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February 8th, 2009, 03:57 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
It's 4am and I can't sleep and I got on to see if you'd posted! =Ž

Wow, what a roller coaster! I'm glad everyone is healthy and happy though! I can't wait for pics!
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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February 8th, 2009, 06:36 AM
IAMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 5,318
oh bobbie...you had me crying reading your birth story! I'm sorry the birth didn't go as planned, but I am really touched at the talk to you had with Matthew and your sence of renewal with your labor. Those PAL fears really do last up until the last moment don't they.

It is also very touching to hear about Matthew's bond with his sister. I have a 15 year old brother by my father and step-mother, and we are very close. I love him to death, so maybe that's why it touches me so much.

I denfinately want to say Congratulations Mamma and Welcome to the world Matthew! I can't wait to see pics and to watch him grow!
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February 8th, 2009, 06:43 AM
Sabina's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,657
I am so glad that you are at peace with your birth. You're right, Matthew is here safe and sound and that's all that matters. I am so glad he is nursing well and it sounds soon you'll be on your way home. Enjoy your little man.

PS Does he look like a Tank?
Thank you Jaidynsmum for the beautiful siggy
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February 8th, 2009, 07:10 AM
Posts: n/a
Congrats, Congrats, Congrats!!!! What an amazing birth story, you had me worked itnto tears. This is your dream come true and I'm so blessed to have been a part of that. Your strength amazes me and I admire you for that. I'm sure tank already knows that strength and love.

It's such a wonderful feeling when you see brothers and sisters bond. Alex and Ethaneal and now with Gabriella.

I don't know what your secret is, but looking at that picture of you and your children, you all look more like brothers and sisters.

Can't wait to see pics of your baby boy tank, we've all waited a long time. Congrats to you and all of your family!!!

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February 8th, 2009, 08:13 AM
*becky*'s Avatar Mommy to Bailey & Camryn
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 6,294
I'm sorry things didn't initially go as you hoped, but I'm glad that you and Matthew could have your talk and come to peace with things.

I'm so glad to hear that Matthew and you are doing well!!

Get some rest and enjoy your little boy!

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February 8th, 2009, 08:50 AM
Melanie0507's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,593
What a sweet story. I am sorry it didn't go exactly as planned, but how wonderful that in the end, it all came together for you and worked out perfectly. And now, you have a wonderful, healthy addition to your beautiful family.

I look forward to all your wonderful pictures of your new little man!

Melanie (&Thad)
Proud Parents to:
Branden 10/28/1997
Owen 5/17/09 (Born with Hirschsprung's Disease)
And expecting our newest addition 5/7/12

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February 8th, 2009, 09:16 AM
greenchild's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: MN
Posts: 15,839
Congrats Bobbie!!! I'm sorry the birth didn't go exactly as planned - but I think I would have done the same thing in your situation - wait for that darn shift change to get the care you need!! Now I can't wait to see pics of Matthew James!!
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February 8th, 2009, 09:24 AM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: North Texas
Posts: 12,914
Welcome to the world little boy! Congratulations mama I know his birth was not what you had planned but I am so glad you were able to avoid a c/s and had the nurse and doc you wanted to deliver your son God might not always give us what we WANT but He does give us what we NEED.

And that you for sharing the story of your step-daughters bond with Mathew. That was just beautiful! I cried I have a little sister who is 12 years younger than me and she is my joy. I call her my "1st" There is something very special between siblings.

Congrats again! I know motherhood has been a very long journey for you but I am so glad that Tank is here and healthy and just perfect

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February 8th, 2009, 10:51 AM
angelmomjen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2008
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,648
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Bobbie that is a beautiful birth story...I'm sorry things did not go your way..seems like they rarley do in birth huh . Im glad you are both safe and healthy..and I can not WAIT to see pics of your beautiful baby boy Matthew
Thanks Nami for my beautiful siggy!
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February 8th, 2009, 11:01 AM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,874
Aw Bobbie, that is an amazing birth story. Even though it did not go the way you had planned, I am glad you have peace with it. You did an amazing job for sure!!!


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February 8th, 2009, 11:55 AM
..Jessica..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 11,084
I'm so happy that he's finally here that I'm crying!!!!!

I can't believe it, Bobbie!!!!!! I'm so completely unconditionally happy for you and Dave, it's unreal!!!

I can't wait to see pics of Matthew!!!!

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February 8th, 2009, 12:35 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 4,014
Awe Welcome to the world little matthew!! I hope you can get some rest bobbie. Glad the breastfeeding is going well!! Can't wait to see pics!!!

Thanks Claire for my awesome siggy!!

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February 8th, 2009, 02:02 PM
Wee3monkeys's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 3,352
What a story, Bobbie!!! I'm sorry it didn't go quite as you had planned, but I'm glad it ended well for you!! Congrats to you Momma!!

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February 8th, 2009, 02:11 PM
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Scotland
Posts: 126
Huge congrats hun!!
Enjoy him!

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February 8th, 2009, 04:01 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Oklahoma City
Posts: 5,660
What a great story with a happy ending.. I know it wasn't easy, but the end result makes it all worth while. It's so amazing that you are here now with your precious miracle, after all you've been thru.. knowing your story and seeing what you went thru on TTCAL makes it even more of a miracle!

congratulations to you and your whole family! Oh, and I have a half-brother who is 18 years older than me and we have such a special bond.. his kids are closer in age to me than he is, but I am so close to all of them. He has always been my hero and our relationship is wonderful.
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February 8th, 2009, 05:06 PM
.kristen.'s Avatar Raising Little Marines
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Location: North Carolina
Posts: 2,529
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I'm so happy for you!!! I can't wait to see pictures of the little cutie Matthew!

Thanks to cavewoman

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