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need your advice about telling the boys

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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March 27th, 2009, 10:31 AM
klt klt is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,233
OK...so I'll be 12 weeks on Tuesday. I'm having my NT scan and blood test that day, and initially I was going to wait until after the test to tell the boys. But, now I'm not sure what to do. The only people that knew about my PG were my brothers and sisters, my in-laws, and one or two close friends. We have not told the boys because with my last PG we told the boys that we were expecting (after we had seen the h/b) and it was devastating to Thomas (the 10 year old) when we lost our little one. He sobbed in the middle of the night for days. It was horrible. And, when I hemorrhaged, it got worse. Soooooo...we decided to wait.

Someone slipped and thought that other people knew about my PG. (NOT a big deal. It was an accident and I'm certainly not mad.) I'm a little worried that the boys are going to find out from "outside sources" before they find out from us. Should we tell them this weekend? Or, should we take our chances and try to get to Tuesday.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but, every time I go into an appt, I am SO scared that they'll tell me I've lost the baby. I have no reason to think that this will happen, but I KNOW you guys know what I"m talking about...

I don't want the boys to hear from other people. I don't want to have to tell them something went wrong again (only days after telling them we're PG again) And, I also think that if I lose the baby (please pray that I dont) I'm far enough along that it's not exactly going to be easy to hide the fact that I have to go to the hospital.

WHEW...I'm sooo sorry to vent like this to all of you. You're all going to dread the day I joined PAL. But, I'd appreciate any advice or opinions. Thanks!
Kelty---Mom of 4 boys!

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March 27th, 2009, 10:54 AM
kellyanne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Washington
Posts: 1,960
This is just my opinion, but I would try to make it until after Tuesday. I know that everything will be perfect, but I still think I would err on the side of caution. I realize that the boys would find out if something were to go wrong, but if you wait until after Tuesday, then you'll feel a lot more relieved and can be less nervous about everything. Since they will be taking cues from you, I think it will be easier for them to be excited too if they don't sense your nervousness going into Tues. I'm not sure if that made sense or not. Good luck, that is kind of a tough situation....it makes me so sad to think about your 10 year old sobbing in the night.

3 angels Feb, Mar, Aug of 2008
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March 27th, 2009, 11:45 AM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,952
I am glad you are finally getting ready to tell them. I would only tell them if you plan on taking them with you (or allowing them to go to) Tuesdays scan. Otherwise I would insist on pictures. Call ahead even if you must to make sure you can get some. Use the pictures to make it real. Although there is always still a chance, you are doing so good so far! I think they would be super happy to hear they will be bigger brothers again, and though they know what can happen, they will be bigger help to you if they know. It was about this time when I told my girls too. They do worry a bit, but they have been very helpful. I use it to my advantage all the time. (oh can you get that, it's really far down there!)

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March 27th, 2009, 11:48 AM
Danielley08's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,594
Hmmm...this is a pretty tough one...my boys are only 4 and 2...they think I'm probably going to give birth to a baby elephant because in their eyes I've pretty much been steady pregnant since last March...Cam never cried when we told him that I didn't have a baby in my belly anymore, but I don't think he is to the age where he can truly comprehend death (he knows people die, and asks all the time when he sees people on TV sleeping if they are dead...morbid...but hey...he's 4)...he would ask where the baby went and we told him Heaven...once we said that he was pretty much over it...

I think it depends on what you believe his maturity level is...would he be more upset at the situation if you told him about belly bean and then lost the baby?...or would he be more upset with you if he found out from someone else?...what can YOU as a mom handle?...

Whatever you decide...we're behind you 110%

(Boys' birthdays are backwards...lol)
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March 27th, 2009, 03:50 PM
klt klt is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,233
Red...Do you think I can get them to clean the kitchen??? Thanks for your input you guys. I'm still not sure what to do. I want to wait until Tuesday, I really do. But, I also know the "leaks" around the school. (Some people have so much time on their hands that they make other people's lives their business.) I DON'T want my kids friends to know before them. That would be unfair. Still stuck. Maybe DH has a definite opinion? Who knows. ahhhh!
Kelty---Mom of 4 boys!

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March 27th, 2009, 04:49 PM
Melanie0507's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,593
Wow, that is a tough decision! My ds is 11 and was 10 when we lost our lo last year. He didn't seem to take it too hard, but sometimes you never know, esp with boys.

This time, we told him right away because we wanted him to know first. Luckily, we didn't have to tell him anything bad this time, because it may have been harder the 2nd time.

So, I guess all that goes to say I really don't have a good suggestion Hope your dh has a thought. I did like what Danielle said--what can you handle more...them finding out from someone else OR having to tell them there's a problem?? Tuesday really isn't that far away...

Melanie (&Thad)
Proud Parents to:
Branden 10/28/1997
Owen 5/17/09 (Born with Hirschsprung's Disease)
And expecting our newest addition 5/7/12

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March 27th, 2009, 06:40 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Upstate SC
Posts: 4,443
If my boys were older I would go ahead an tell them and explain that something still could happen but so far everything is going great. Tell them that you wanted to tell them sooner but were afraid.

My boys get I have a baby in my tummy(DS#1 has named it piglet) but that's about all the get.

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March 28th, 2009, 06:08 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
I think I vote to wait until your Tue appt unless you really are worried someone will spill the beans to your boys...in which case I'd tell them now 'cause we know your appt will go great!! HUGS

Savannah Stylin!

Remembered Forever with Love
10/13/2008 (@9w2d) 10/18/2011 (@8w5d) 2/12/2012 (@4w3d) 8/13/2012 (@10w3d)
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March 29th, 2009, 11:51 AM
tatanickel81's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: currently: North Carolina
Posts: 438
I would wait until Tuesday. And you could tell the people that do know about your decision not to tell the other children. I was 14 weeks when I lost the last one, and we were all devestated, even my 7 y/o. I decided not to tell her either until I was sure everything was okay. She was really worried about me last time, as I had to spend time in the hospital for a D&C and what not, but this time I just don't want to worry here until I'm sure it's okay. It's a hard thing, as I'm so excited to be PG again, but so scared to really tell anyone. Hang in there, I'm sure you can make it to Tuesday, and it will be better for them, I'm sure.
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