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'real' friends don't really understand

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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February 13th, 2006, 07:08 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,598
Another post on the pregnancy loss board had me thinkng about 'replacement babies' and just handeling being pregnant again after 2 losses.... I feel like it is hard because my friends don't really understand...they never want to talk to me about my m/c's because they figure 'well so what ou are pregnant now'....but for me the other 2 babies had their own identies aside from just being the babies that didn't make it....both have a special place in my heart and I miss both...the fact that both never made it as far as 20 weeks does not even matter to me...they were DF's & mine and we still miss them and wonder how they would have been etc etc...

Anyone else relate?

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February 13th, 2006, 02:19 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 935
Oh yes, I can definately relate...and I'm so sorry you're going through that.

My friends are the same way about me being pregnant now- granted, none of them are married nor TTC, and don't even WANT kids yet (I'm young), so I can't expect them to understand, but I guess I just hoped they'd be a little more sensitive.

But it's so hard to hear the insensitive things they say, like "Aren't you RELIEVED that you lost the first 2 since you're so young anyway and were younger then?" or "See, it worked out anyway..." Things like that. Obviously they have no idea, but still...

I'm sorry you're hearing those difficult comments. Our babies DO have a place in our hearts and always will. They were just as much our babies as those that we don't lose.
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Waiting for #2!
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February 13th, 2006, 04:16 PM
my_boys_are_my_joy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Bayou state
Posts: 6,431
Oh, I know what you mean. When I first miscarried, it drove me nuts when people made comments like, "don't worry. you're young. you'll have more." They just [b]didn't get it.[/] I didn't want another baby. I wanted that one.

Now, people don't even talk about my loss. I think they try not to bring it up for my sake, and I appreciate it. But I'll never forget that baby. I'll miss him/her for as long as I live. My hubby and I created that little one out of love. The baby was a part of me. When my baby died, a part of my spirit died. It doesn't matter if I end up with ten kids; there will always be a void in my life where my first should have been.

a huge thank-you to Mom2*Lauryn*Jacob* for my gorgeous siggy!
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February 13th, 2006, 05:37 PM
Posts: n/a
The only friends I've had relate are ones that have gone through m/c's themselves. One of my friends apparently said to another "She's still upset about the m/c?!?" only 2 weeks after I had lost my second baby. Sad, but I understand she doesn't know what it's like to loose.
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February 14th, 2006, 09:37 AM
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One of my very close friend had a m/c about a year before mine and she was a great help during mine. I felt terrible though because after I experienced one I didn't feel like I supported her enough through her's.

A few family members stated they were sorry when they saw me after the m/c happened, but it hasn't been brought up since.

My MIL thought the day we told her we were pregnant with this one that the "safe period" had started. Made me feel bad like I should have waited till after the 1st tri. was over to tell her.
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February 16th, 2006, 09:31 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 1,668
I know exactly how you feel.

DH wasn't even supportive for my 2 m/c. He acted like it never happened.

The one that really hurt the most was when him and his friend stayed in the bedroom playing computer games while I went into labor and m/c right in our bathroom (it happened so fast, the ambulance didn't get to us quick enough)....I was 16wks pregnant then. It was a bloody mess. I had to call the ambulance, I had to clean up, I had to go through it alone....I'm still going through it alone.

DH sometimes just shuts down when terrible things happen. To this day he refuses to talk about it (and that was around 6-7 yrs ago).

My friends don't understand. When I talk about it, they all find excuses to do something else. This is about the only place I can talk and work through my feelings.

I love my 3 girls and little boy:

Mom to Jessica - 19 yrs old, Amber - 18 yrs old, Sebastian - 2 months
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February 17th, 2006, 01:01 AM
Alissa&Isabelle'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Colorado
Posts: 12,602
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<span style="color:#6600CC">Yes, I can totally relate I know I have a little one in heaven, s/he has his or her own personality and is somebody. I have a friend that says well, "you shoulden't of smoked, drank coffee etc." Not really a friend huh!?!?!?</span>
MY BLOG MySpaceFacebook Wife to Jesse since 2/14/2004. Mommy to Alissa Grace 3/13/2006 and Isabelle Rose 12/10/2008.

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