Log In Sign Up

pregnant agin after m/c or infant death and celebrating milestones

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to [email protected].

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
February 21st, 2006, 07:20 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,598
I frequent 6 boards on JM, July DDC, June DDC, Feb DDC, TTC after m/c, Pregnancy after m/c and Pregnancy Loss.

Recently on the pregnancy loss forum some of the women expressed displeasure over pregnant moms to be- being happy or excited over reaching certain milestones, mainly the '12 week' mark.

I thought well moms get excited because with each milestone comes hope, hope that this time won't be like last time or the last 2 or 3 times depending on how many losses you have experienced. I felt like well you have to live each pregnancy for today, next week and next month don't matter until you get there because anything is left to chance.

After re-reading the entire post it made me sad because its like well should I be excited? But I really think everyone should be excited. You have to seize the day, why spend your entire pregnancy up tight and disgruntled and negative? If something is going to happen then it will happen. Nothing we can do to stop it, and isn't there a certin freedom in knowing that? Doesn't knowing that make it all the more worthwhile to celebrate and be happy for the milestons your baby progresses through?

When I got pregnant again this past time I said I was going to release my pain, hang tight to my memories and embrace this new baby. I ws going to make a ticker for every milestone, heart beat detected, practicing brathing, pumping quarts of blood, growing fingernails, everything! but then I realized I would spend my entire pregnancy making tickers so I just setteled on one and said I would be inwardly proud of my thriving (so far) baby.

Isn't that better than being a victim to my fear and keeping my baby at arms length because I am too afraid of what might happen. I already know what can happen, I've been there twice!! So why not live for today and be happy that my baby made it past 12 weeks? Be happy that my baby has a heartbeat, be glad that my baby is growing and squirming and just moving all around?

Honestly I was in a funk about having a girl, I was dead set on having a boy but none of that even matters. Not by a long shot. But I am not ashamed of my initial disappointment. I was living for the day and even in my wrongful disappointment over the babies sex, at least I was fully thinking of the now and 'what could, might' happen.

I don't know, I was just so disappointed. I guess because I am pregnant again my thougths don't matter to a mom who has had a m/c or infant loss, and I think most of the displeasure over moms celebrating the 12 week mark is primarily the non pregnant moms being uncomfortable and heavily grieving their losses which is normal, I know the feeling, it just hurts to feel like I shouldn't be happy when the baby reaches certain stages, I don't want to dwell on what might happen, I want to be happy knwoing my baby has a better chance, no gaurantees but still a better chance. Sorry this si so long, I was just really having some conflicting feelings about this stuff.

Reply With Quote
February 21st, 2006, 07:44 AM
SpugsLady's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Stoke on Trent UK
Posts: 190
Send a message via MSN to SpugsLady Send a message via Yahoo to SpugsLady
wow, u talk alot of truth in your post.

I've passed 1 milestone so far and thats getting the BFP! I know my pregnancy wasn't planned but i couldn't be happier. Some ladies who have never experienced m/c before may not fully understand why we celebrate these milestones, but these milstones are the happiest moments of our pregnancies.
<div align="center"></div>

<div align="center"></div>
Reply With Quote
February 21st, 2006, 10:03 AM
Posts: n/a
I think every milestone should be celebrated, however, once you've had a loss, particularily if it came after the time when losses are more expected (i.e. mid to late pregnancy) it is hard to feel "safe". I celebrate my milestones, but cautiously. I don't want to get hurt again, or blind sided again. I thought for sure after I had my big u/s last time and everything looked great we were home free but she died shortly afterwards. I was completely blind sided and that hurt bad. Real bad. I know all losses hurt, but you just don't think you are going to lose a baby after 20 weeks.

I guess I don't really have an answer for you. Everyone is different and every pregnancy is different. I think there is a difference between early losses and later losses. I have a friend who has had both and she said the early one was sad, but not as hard as the later one. Not to minimize early ones, I'm sure they hurt badly.

Everyone heals and gets through their subsequent pregnancy differntly I guess. I would just be happy with what you are feeling happy about and not worry about other people and what they feel. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness and your own resolution of your grief and getting through your subsequent pregnancy. I say celebrate away if you feel happy. I would. I will probably start feeling happy and relaxed after I reach the 20 week mark. But I am still cautious. I can't help it. Seeing and touching my dead baby is forever seared into my mind, relaxing after that is hard, but I am trying.
Reply With Quote
February 21st, 2006, 11:37 AM
Posts: n/a
I celebrate my milestones cautiously as well. I'm excited to be pregnant & rejoice each time I hit a new milestone...b ut I know things can go wrong quickly. I do pray alot & have embraced this child... but I had embraced the 2 I lost too. Basically as soon as I think I'm pregnant I'm attached to the baby... fears or no fears.
Reply With Quote
February 22nd, 2006, 06:35 AM
LeedaRenee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,923
I celebrate my milestones because my baby is a life and I think every life should be celebrated. I completly understand where the ladies on the loss forum are coming from. When I first found out I was pg with this one, I would go to the DDC and think, how can you be so happy, you're only 4 weeks, anything could happen. I was wrong to think that, not because it isn't true that anything could happen. but they have a right to be happy. I have no right to judge that. No, 12 weeks is not a complete safe point, but making it there lowers the chances of a loss dramatically. And I'll take that small comfort, however cautiously.
Reply With Quote
February 22nd, 2006, 08:16 AM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 28,175
For me, every day is a milestone. I took my first pg for granted. Sure, it took 16 months to get pg, but I wrongly assumed everything would go well and didn't celebrate each moment for what it was. This time, I am happy each morning I wake up and I'm still pregnant. I celebrate my m/s, and sore bb's, and heartburn and food aversions. I've worked hard and hurt enough already, I want to feel happy each day this baby is still inside me. Yes, I know things can still go horribly wrong, again, but today I am pregnant, and I have the right to celebrate that.

Lucky mother to five!

Reply With Quote
February 22nd, 2006, 10:54 AM
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 313
I am so glad to know I am not the only one struggleing with how I feel. I want so badly to be happy and excited about this baby like I was the last one. But it is so hard not to worry, not to be afraid. You can't help but wonder "Will this time be like last time?"

I had an early mc, 9 weeks gestational and it was the last thing I expected. It was my first pg, and you never think that it could happen to you. And then it does, and you just feel like the bottom dropped out of you world.

I guess after a loss (or losses) it is natural to be cautious with hope, to be worried and fearful. But I can't let that keep me from being happy now. Now is all I have, I can't change what happened and I can't predict the future.

But I can smile each day that this baby is still here. And God willing this baby will stick.

to everyone.
<div align="center">

Reply With Quote
February 22nd, 2006, 11:12 AM
Blessings B's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,422
I too celebrate each milestone, but cautiously. I love hearing other mother's brag. When they do so a lot I often find myself wandering secretly if they are going to jinx themselves. ( I also do this to myself) I hope that we can all be comfortable doing whatever we need to on this board and never be criticized. Just because I have had a hard go of it , I never want to inpose my fears on someone else to ruin their elation or to minimize their feelings. I think we all have to be mindful of these things. Blessings B
Reply With Quote
February 22nd, 2006, 11:15 AM
Posts: n/a
This pregnancy is so different for me. With the first I was SO paranoid that I was going to have a m/c - then I did. With this one I am trying my best not to stress about things and to be grateful for everything.
Like Marie_is_hopeful, all the negative parts of pregnancy can be seen as positive.

With my first pregnancy, I was a month behind a friend. She continued on to have a healthy baby girl and I had my m/c. It was hard to watch her grow (even more difficult to do massages on her) and hear all about everything going on, but it kept me from getting too down and frustrated. The opposite effect I thought it would have.
This time I have a friend who is about 5 days behind me. Got pregnant by accident, never had any losses, ect. She is just so happy and excited, while me and my DH are still on the protective side. I wish I could be as "oblivious" - in a nice way as she is. She knows about my m/c, but still doesn't have to live with the memory of it happening to herself.

I hit a milestone today - 9w. I have my next appointment tomorrow and I am very anxious to see what has been going on inside. These things should be celebrated.

Also, coming from having had a m/c at 6w, I can totally understand how having a late m/c or a stillbirth could be so much more devastating than an early m/c. You don't even what to think about it. How horrible.

We just all have to take it as it comes and be as strong as we can.
Reply With Quote
February 22nd, 2006, 05:42 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
All I can say is try not to take other's grieving or feelings personal. I for one will never feel safe. I can't - I don't know what milestones would be like for me... The only milestones I've had so far have been EDD that passed with no baby still...dates I thought I'd be entering 2nd trimester, etc. But I have a friend whose baby passed unexpectedly at 3 wks old, so I know there are no guarantees, even when everything appears perfect. I don't think that being happy & feeling safe are the same thing. I am happy to be pg in the moment. I don't feel safe for one minute. I don't think it's uptight disgruntled or negative to feel like you don't want to celebrate, it's just a difference in personality. I have a friend from Croatia & she said that they won't buy a gift for a baby before it is born - it is seen as bad luck. They don't do anything for an "unborn baby" - is that morbid? or just cultural difference?

Celebrate what you want to celebrate - live how you want to live. I for one don't believe I will be celebrating, but I will be thankful for every milestone I get to that I haven't been to before....I won't be a slave to fear, but my reality is different than many - I have been told my risks & they're high. I just don't let myself forget that. It doesn't scare me - I don't fear it - I just know that today is only today & I can't plan tomorrow until it is here - I will never feel safe.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

Reply With Quote
February 22nd, 2006, 06:27 PM
Miranda and Maria's mommy's Avatar Not Mike's girl
Join Date: May 2005
Location: the armpit of Canada
Posts: 14,500
Thanks for so much for that post...I am 12 weeks today and have been thinking about it all day...I am so friggin happy it brings me to tears...thanks for sharing....

If I'm not here, find me on that other website
Reply With Quote
February 24th, 2006, 05:36 AM
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 440
Even worse - I am like Cassandra in the ancient Greek stories. I go into the new DDCs and read all the happy excited moms and wonder with a sense of doom which of them will not have a happy ending to their story. It's cold hard statistics, and some of these excited moms will have tragedy.

I remember in college a friend had a baby which died at a few weeks due to SIDS. I found out at work and had to go to the HR office and bawl because I couldn't stand the injustice of it all. This woman was very high risk and this baby was a miracle. To make it to birth and then to die - it was horrible and I really felt for her loss. Then a few years ago another co-worker lost her baby just 1 week before it was due. (Just as my Grandmother had years ago). My family is filled with stories of miscarriage - my cousin (like a sister to me) with 2, my SIL with 8 (she and my brother are now trying to adopt), my mother with a late miscarriage that resulted in complications and her inability to have further children. When I had my mc, people came out of the woodwork to tell me their stories, and it was very comforting to know I was not alone.

All this, and I celebrate every milestone! I told people the moment I found out I was pregnant even though I knew there could be another mc. I'm 40 and there's a high risk of chromosomal abnormalities, but still I tell everyone about the pregnancy, hearing the heartbeat. Bf has e-mailed and shown everyone the ultrasond pics - even the guys at 7-11.

This child is sacred if it lives 2 weeks as a embryo or lives 90 years, and each moment DESERVES to be celebrated to honor it's life - even if it's a short life. How do I know my ds won't die suddenly in youth - be hit by a car, get cancer, OD on drugs as a teen? I can't not celebrate his life because it might end at any moment. Any of our lives might end at any moment - that doesn't make them any the less precious.

I still grieve, I still worry, I still have times of pain, but I won't let the fear of death keep me from honoring what life this child has.

OK - enough of my speech!

Reply With Quote
February 24th, 2006, 11:14 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,598
They don't do anything for an "unborn baby" - is that morbid? or just cultural difference?[/b]
Hmm that is very interesting and I totally understand where they are comign from, it just sounds a little omnious and morbid because our culture is different.

I am a worrier by nature so it is a challenge for me to embrace today and not worry worry worry about what might happen. Then one day I was thinking about the saying "the truth will set you free" and darn if it didn't. I could have a m/c, I could have a still birth, I could have my baby die of SIDS, I could have a baby with birth defects, chances smanches anything can happen. Sure chances get better but the odds are still lurking around there somewhere.

I guess I just don't want to look back on this pregnancy as being frightened and too worried about what could happen to focus on what WAS happening (developing, growing baby). Carpe' diem! (HAHA is this french?)

In anycase good luck to alllllllllll of you pregnant moms, good luck good luck and more good luck!!!

I still grieve, I still worry, I still have times of pain, but I won't let the fear of death keep me from honoring what life this child has.[/b]
that was beautiful!

Reply With Quote
February 24th, 2006, 11:32 AM
Posts: n/a
Carpe' diem! (HAHA is this french?)[/b]
It's Latin. I only know from taking it in High School and college - Yes, sadly, at one time I wanted to be a lawyer
Reply With Quote
February 24th, 2006, 11:32 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 1,668
Amen to you sisters!

I feel the same but I have trouble celebrating my milestones because I know that any day, it could all be taken away from me in a blink of an eye. So I sit and wait passively, secretly celebrating every day that I'm pregnant, amazed that I've gotten this far, and thankful that I've been given another chance and hoping that I'll (we'll) make it through. Every struggle, every problem, every blessing is a memory that I'll cherish for the rest of my life.

Your posts touched me deeply as I can relate to everything youre saying.

I love my 3 girls and little boy:

Mom to Jessica - 19 yrs old, Amber - 18 yrs old, Sebastian - 2 months
Reply With Quote

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:01 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0