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Still so scared of losing Logan

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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March 12th, 2010, 11:13 AM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
I am so scared of being so close to meeting Logan and having him ripped away from me

The first trimester was hard...I see so many of you ladies going through that right now, and it feels like just yesterday...please don't feel like I'm trying to trivialize that AT all. I think maybe there are different stages of this fear, and I'm going through the part that happens late in the third trimester?

Sometimes I feel so sure that I will be meeting him in just a few weeks, but there is a voice in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that something could happen to him. I've heard of SO many cord accidents, and I certainly don't think that in this case, ignorance is bliss...I'm glad that I'm informed...but it's scary. There was a very public story that happened in my area, where a baby was born with the cord wrapped around his neck and they couldn't get him out fast enough to save him. But even though doctors said he had no chance of surviving, his parents kept him on life support for 9 months. Yesterday, they said goodbye and shut the support off. When I think about the fact that something could even happen while Logan is being born, I want to cry, and beg my doctor to just do a cesarean when my due date comes.

How am I supposed to even have any faith in myself during delivery when I know the horrible things that could happen?

Then today, this woman at work was telling me that she knows two women who went overdue and their babies died. After telling me that my baby would come when he was ready. Which I do believe, and I'm trying to stick to that. So WTH was with her telling me that?? This woman has NO sense of...I don't know, there are some things you do NOT say to a pregnant woman. Of course, the part of the story that she didn't tell is that this was ATLEAST 20 years ago when they probably didn't even do NST's and ultrasounds at 41 weeks to be sure that the baby was still ok (that seems pretty common nowadays) and technology was not as advanced...atleast, those are the things I'm telling myself to not get freaked out.

Just voicing these fears feels awful, because I'm SAYING it. I'm 'putting it out there.' But I needed to get it off my chest, because as my due date approaches, I feel like the fear is getting bigger. I feel Logan moving inside of me, and it makes my heart hurt to think of ANYTHING ever hurting him.

How do I deal with this?

Missing our angel baby since Feb 7, 2009

BeaMade for unique, adorable, high quality handmade crochet hats and booties, velcro free soother clips and soft sole baby boots.
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March 12th, 2010, 11:31 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
I went through the same thing with Matthew. Honestly it got 100 times worse during his labor. The fear was consuming. All I can say is once he is in your arms and healthy and alive and breathing.... it all becomes a distant memory and every second was worth it. I cried my heart out once I actually had him in my arms.

Try and think positive and know the odds are on your side. It also helps to come to terms with your fear. Don't push the thoughts away, try and work through them even if it is just in your head.

Every stage of PAL is hard. There is no way around it. We all know what it feels like to lose something you love and want in your life more than anything. To know it can all be ripped away from you in a minute is scary. One day at a time girl.

Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (23) Amanda (20) Matthew ( 6) and Daniel (4).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (24) and Krista (21)
step-grandma to: Wesley, Rosemarie, Scarlett

On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon.
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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March 12th, 2010, 02:04 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 2,367
P I am not where you are (and only hope i can be in October) but I do understand the fear that you must be feeling. I will tell you that your doctors will do absolutely everything to make sure Logan gets here happy and healthy. There are a lot of scary stories out there but there are so so many happy ones that no one talks about. We all remember the bad ones and because the good ones are not news worthy. But miracles are born everyday!

Thanks Chelsea (GraysMama) for my fantastic signature!

Life as it is...

Love your angel babies for making you the person you are!

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March 12th, 2010, 03:39 PM
Hoping's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,977
I know *hugs* when I was full term with Lexi and even through the entire labor, I was a nervous wreck. Her heartbeat dropped a couple of times and I about freaked totally out. I don't really know what to tell you. I don't think I coped with it well, but these fears are normal i think.

Our Two Miracles!
Alexis Jade 5/28/08 and Evan Russell 6/28/10
Always Remembering our 3 angels in heaven
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March 12th, 2010, 04:48 PM
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 8
Everything you just said I feel almost every minute of every day. I wake up a 20 times each night to make sure my baby is moving and if he goes 10 minutes without I freak out and think there has been a cord accident. Honestly being on these boards doesnt help because it is here that you do hear all the horror stories of bad things that have happened. I really feel as if I should maybe stay off the internet completely. I am so worried about a still birth and I have heard that the chances really do increase if the longer you go past your due date. I am most likely going to have a c-section this time around and this is one of the reasons why. With my son ignorance was bliss because I never thought anything would go wrong and had never had a miscarriage. This will be my last pregnancy for sure because it is just too stressful for me. I totally feel your pain.
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March 12th, 2010, 05:42 PM
Trish36's Avatar Mom of 4
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8,606
P I read that story today....soooo sad!
I'm terrified of that also, especially since when Isabelle was born she had the cord wrapped around her neck. Totally freaked me out.
I really hope that you have a wonderful birth experience, because truly...more often than not everything ends up being perfect.

Project 365 - 2012: http://trisha2012.wordpress.com/

Thank you Jaidynsmum for my gorgeous siggy!

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March 12th, 2010, 05:50 PM
alethia's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 18,623
i know what you are going through --- i felt the same way with DS. sending you T&Ps for some comfort and a smooth delivery!
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March 12th, 2010, 05:56 PM
*MomofO&Nat*'s Avatar Kelly, Massachusetts Mama
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In the 'burbs of Boston, MA
Posts: 2,519
Oh, hon, I totally get where you are coming from and I am glad you were able to voice it here. I went into my first labor thinking everything was fine (it had been for 9 months) and ended up in an emergency C. Owen ended up being fine, but his heart rate had dropped a few times so they decided to take him quickly in case it was a cord problem. I still don't know why his heart rate dropped so much because he did not have the cord wrapped when they took him out. Then, the m/c happened which changed how I view pregnancy forever. Now, with this pregnancy, I wake up in the night after having nightmares about the looming repeat C section, since the first one was so scary. I tell myself he was fine, and still is today but it is hard not to remember the all consuming fear I felt when they were rushing me into the surgery. I just hope this time around, it is planned and uneventful. I know it is going to be a long 6 months to my due date.
Mama to:
Owen James (7/12/08)
Natalie Laura (9/14/10)
Harrison Dean (2/22/13)
Proud Member of the September 2010 Playroom

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March 12th, 2010, 08:38 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1
Hugs Hugs Hugs!!! Ok - we really should go for coffee again! distract you a little. In the mean time - really - the chances of everything being fine are really really really fantastic! Miscarriage happens so much more often than any of this late term stuff. Also - chords around the neck are actually almost never a problem - I think I read they happen at like 1 in 4 births - and don't affect baby at all.
I'm getting a little nervous too - but you will be fine - you are going to be surrounded by people who are there to make sure Logan and you both are good.
huge -

Thank you Kiliki for my first beautiful Siggie!

mom of 2 angels and an earth baby
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March 12th, 2010, 10:00 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,732
I have the same fears. Being a part of the stillbirth community means I know a couple hundred horrible things that could happen to Grant. I have just put my faith in the doctors and the monitoring. My friends who had losses near term, at term, and during labor, many of them have gone on to have living children, children who were closely monitored like Grant and Logan are (or will be). I have pestered my OB with tons of questions about his monitoring now and during labor, including but not limited to when they will intervene if there is a problem and what they will do in that case. And my doctor and my nurses have all been really, really reassuring. I feel a lot better when I talk to them.

I also try to focus on all of the living children I see. Unless I'm going to a liquor store or maybe an adult bookstore (if I went to one lately) there are kids everywhere, wandering about and demanding that their parents buy them something RIGHT NOW MOMMY. It can't be impossible for me to finally have one, they are everywhere, right? And statistically speaking, far more babies are born successfully than stillborn (114 of every 115 births is not a stillbirth), so it's likely that we will be a part of that overwhelming statistic ourselves.

Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!

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March 13th, 2010, 12:08 PM
sportyboymom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 4,233
Just wanted to send some Hugs your way! I understand your fears!

I'm not at all religious....but what has helped me has been to completely give up my fears to external sources. In other words, IF something happens, it's out of my control....I have done everything I could. It may sound backwards, but in a strange way, it comforts me to know that I have done my very best. I completely understand your fears...they are never far from my own head.
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March 13th, 2010, 02:50 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 1,571
Hugs, P. I'm not at that stage yet, but I can imagine I'll share your fears. But I know, (and you'll have to remind me then too!), that the chances are fabulous that you'll be holding little healthy Logan before you know it. I imagine PAL is scary at any time. HUGS!
Blog on RPL and TTC
Dx Hetero Prothrombin and Factor V
*Forever missing our three butterfly angel babies*
~December 08~ ~May 09~ ~September 09~
Proudly breastfeeding, pumping, and cloth diapering my little sweet pea!

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March 13th, 2010, 05:02 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
I went through the exact same thing with Gaby. Once i got to about.... 34? weeks, I started getting TERRIFIED that I was going to lose her - that I was soooooooo close to having her in my arms, but that something would happen during the last few weeks, or during labour & she'd die. This ended up causing me to not sleep for about the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy, and I believe it is why I never went into labour - that subconsciously I was so terrified, that my body prevented it from happening.

I'm sure that in 10 weeks time I'm going to be feeling like that again..


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March 14th, 2010, 12:22 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Tasmania
Posts: 1,250
Oh P, I can totally understand as I have just started to feel the same way. I can't believe that silly lady that told you those things, what was she thinking??? Why would we want to hear birth horror stories?

As this is also my first baby I can't say anything to ease your mind as I don't have any experience with labour but I do know the odds are more in our favour than against.

Big and I can't wait for us to be able to share stories of holding our little ones in our arms.
MEL 30 DH 33

BFP - 23/08/09

Check out my bump: http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f5...l#post17893964

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March 14th, 2010, 03:37 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,389
You're in my DDC and I feel EXACTLY the same way at the moment. I'm actually going to my ob tomorrow as he offered for his midwife to monitor the baby (CTG he called it?). I took him up on it because this baby is normally very active and so when it's not, I immediately start to worry... so I feel like this will be some reassurance for me. I actually was scared to even tell him I felt this way, and what a weight lifted off my shoulders when he didn't trivialise what I'm feeling.

And actually, this isn't because of my miscarriage... my previous healthy pregnancies I have gotten close to the end and started to worry like this too. Part of me is sooooo excited to meet the baby, and yet part of me worries each and every day about whether my baby will be okay for another five weeks. I love feeling each and every movement, and yet I can't wait for the baby to come out so I know he/she is out safely...

Anyway just wanted to say I understand... it's tough!

Thanks to Meganpixel for my beautiful siggie!
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March 14th, 2010, 03:41 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
Thanks so much, ladies


Missing our angel baby since Feb 7, 2009

BeaMade for unique, adorable, high quality handmade crochet hats and booties, velcro free soother clips and soft sole baby boots.
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March 14th, 2010, 08:00 PM
baby4me?'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,592
I know what you are talking about. I have talked to DH about how I am still afraid of loosing this baby. I don't think it helps that those of us in PAL have heard sooo many loss stories. Even though all my losses have been in the first trimester, I still have times when I freak out. My DD's cord was wrapped around her neck during delivery and we didn't know until she came out. She was fine but I can't help but worry if it would happen again would it be ok this time? Though I did some research and read that it is common for babies to have the cord around their neck and most of the time it does not cause any serious problems.

I hope time flies and you are holding your baby boy in your arms very soon!

Amanda & Rob married June 16, 2006

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March 15th, 2010, 07:39 AM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,777
Thanks, Amanda

Missing our angel baby since Feb 7, 2009

BeaMade for unique, adorable, high quality handmade crochet hats and booties, velcro free soother clips and soft sole baby boots.
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