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Newbie | Hatin' on Myself and high risk

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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March 15th, 2010, 01:58 AM
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 47
Hi. I'm sorry Im barging in, I'm new, a bit lost - and sad, am hoping for some guidance. If I'm in the wrong place, I apologize and will move on. Just break it to me gently please!
**child mentioned**

I'm wondering - after losses how did you / do you handle discussing a new pregnancy?

My backstory short: I had 2mc first - not researched as to why obviously - then a live birth (DD!) at 34 weeks after 12 wks bedrest, then a blighted ovum (so not a "real" pregnancy regardless of hope and blue lines) and then lost natural twins at 10 weeks last June. I wasn't refered into fertility because of the live birth. In Jan we found ourselves pregnant again. We decided to try because we knew we could have a preventative cerclage and progesterone. What we didn't know is that is was going to be twins. Again. And that cerclages and progesterone aren't really as effective for twins. If at all. So I'm now 14 weeks with a 10 day old cerclage, and I'm showing. With my dd I showed after I was on bedrest so no one knew, this I never had to really talk about all the chaos and risk. Now I am standing and it's obvious and I just started getting questioned... and I'm failing, and flailing.

It usually starts that someone asks, or my parents or friends have told, and the third party is excited, happy, hopping up and down and a lot of "oh that's so great, you must be so excited etc" and I'm ... not. I want to scream "WHY are you so happy for us, don't you understand?? This is terrible, I can't carry, my "safety" procedures aren't indicated for twins, and I'm never going to carry them to term, I'm going to fail them, myself, they will die and STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY DUE date because I don't even think that way. I just think 'How many weeks until I shorten, how many weeks until bedrest, how many weeks until labor, will they live" Which is a real playground stopper, no? Instead I get all evasive and mutter and everyone gets uncomfortable. Mostly me. And then I feel like an idiot. And mad.

So please. Smack me with love but tell me how to just shut myself up. Off. How do I simply answer people? How do you? How do you manage not to spill your medical history?
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March 15th, 2010, 08:08 AM
Hoping's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,977
I don't know what to say other than to consider yourself hugged. I will be praying for you and your babies.

Our Two Miracles!
Alexis Jade 5/28/08 and Evan Russell 6/28/10
Always Remembering our 3 angels in heaven
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March 15th, 2010, 08:41 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Upstate SC
Posts: 4,443
I would just blurt out that "I'm very high risk and I am very scared something is going to happen". I hate dealing with people, I will pray for your pregnancy and you.

http://stitchingthroughlife.blogspot.com/ my cross stitch blog, my outlet.
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March 15th, 2010, 08:56 AM
krystal g's Avatar Happy to be a SAHM!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Illinois (just outside of St. Louis)
Posts: 2,410
I can't relate to your high risk losses (mine were both early) but I do understand the fear. Aside from close friends and family, I didn't really tell anyone about this pregnancy. Mostly because I just didn't know if it was going to last. I'm almost 20 weeks and I still haven't told anyone at work (other than my boss). And I'm showing! But I just can't seem to make the happy announcement. It's weird because everything is fine so far but I just don't want everyone to congratulate me on my first baby...because it's not my first baby...it's my third. So yeah, I understand about not wanting to spill your medical history...or maybe I do want to spill it...I don't know. I guess if I were in your shoes I would just answer questions and give a due date like everything is perfectly normal and happy. That's what I did. In the end, I think maybe I started to believe it too. But that's just me. It's really nobody's business, and if you don't want to talk about it...don't. You can just say that you are at a high risk for complications and really don't know what's going to happen, but...fingers crossed...the babies will be born healthy. That should shut people up! HUGS to you. PAL is hard and a lot of people don't understand. But you can vent to us anytime.

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March 15th, 2010, 11:11 AM
Mama Chemist 73's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Posts: 3,933
First, congratulations on you two little babies and I'm sorry you have had such a hard road with pregnancies. I have 3 little angels, 2 early miscarriage, and one stillbirth at 24wks. I've had internal struggles how to answer people too. there are times I want to say....yeah, I'm pregnant but it's not all rainbows and sunshine just based on my losses...and I want to give them ALL the details so that they will be quiet, but I don't. I guess my filter is just too tight. I usually say "so far, so good" and that suffices. I'm doing better now since I'm past my little boy's stillbirth age, but you really never know. I'm trying to love this little one and get through day by day. Please feel free to post here anytime you need to. There is also a high risk board if you need support on that end. Hugs to you.
Sharon - Mom to Theresa, Harvey,& Sarah

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March 15th, 2010, 12:15 PM
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 47
Ah thank you all - for the hugs and the acceptance. And I am so sorry about each of your losses as well. Thanks for being open and welcoming - and your advice. Yep, at 3am last night, things seemed dark - but in the light of day, I think I do really like the advice (nickjonmom! et al) to just be super matter of fact "Oh thanks, yep, we are due in Sept" and if I start to feel edgy I can smile and say "The truth is, I'm high risk so I'm staying very low key about it but thanks for being excited for me" and then changing the subject. So simple - yet at times so hard.

Krystal - congrats to you for reaching this milestone 20 weeks. I'll be praying for you too. I do think it' s totally reasonable for you to feel odd discussing it b/c hearing "Oh it's all going to be fine" somehows negates your prior losses and invalidates your fears. Not purposely, but, it just ...does.

Mama Chemist - All I can do is hug you back. I'm sorry for your pain and I'm wishing you peace and sending good strength. Not that you seem in pain per se, just saying that you sustained a terrible loss and I'm speechless at your courage I guess.
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March 15th, 2010, 01:13 PM
Trish36's Avatar Mom of 4
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8,606
Congrats honey on your twins and I'm so sorry for all your losses. It is so hard to get excited when all you do is worry and expect the worst. I think everyone has given you great advise. I wish you a H&H 9 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Project 365 - 2012: http://trisha2012.wordpress.com/

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March 15th, 2010, 02:46 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
Just wanted to offer some (((Hugs)))

have you posted on the high risk pregnancy board?? the ladies there are great!

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March 15th, 2010, 05:27 PM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11,023
Welcome! I am glad you founmd us here. Even though all our stories are differnt we can definately relate.

My cousin had difficult pregnancies and her first three baies were premies. The big one was 4 lbs 4 oz. Then she got pregnant with twins and amazingly enough with cerclage carried them to term and they were big guys 5 1/2 and 6lbs. So even though things are not looking good, things can still end well.

Nine years ago while I was pregnant a coworker got pregnant adn was not happy about. The baby was an accident. i said something to me and she went off. I felt so weird about that I remember it even today! So on bthose close to you an I'm scared is a great answer for this you know casually a superficial answer will probably do. like"They are due in Sept and we are hoping for the best."

Good luck and blessings for you and your two sweet babies.
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March 15th, 2010, 06:12 PM
dee68's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Illinois ( originally From New Jersey:)
Posts: 13,040
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welcome and congratulations !
I think the ladies have really given good advice...
I am glad you have found us here....you won't get smacked for venting...well not too hard anyway

whatever answer you give to anyone is YOUR choice, handle the situation how ever you see fit.
wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy !

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