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"Is the baby okay?" (RANT)

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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November 2nd, 2010, 06:11 PM
astrobaby's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: southern Indiana
Posts: 212
I don't post on here much, but I'm so frustrated that I just need to vent a bit.

I'm living with my MIL right now, and I love her, but sometimes I wish she was one of the people we had waited to inform of my pregnancy.

Firstly, it's the constant grilling about Sarah's grave marker. We still haven't gotten it, but after talking to other stillborn mommies, I know that there are some who struggle with the process, even up past the year point. She is obsessed with it though and constantly asking.

Secondly, it's the grilling about the money in the account. DH and I are pretty financially responsible, but she keeps thinking we are "stealing" money from the account. This makes me feel so guilty, even though my mom is incredibly understanding and was 100% helpful a few times concerning the subject. We got a lot of donations after it happened and now they are sitting in a saving account, the problem was that both DH and I were working when it happened and we both missed a full week of work, but he missed a few more days that month of December for obviously grief reasons. My mom was amazing in comforting us and helping us feel comfortable taking a few hundred just to pay off our rent. FYI, there is still plenty for the stone we'd like to get her. At one point though MIL has said in order to guilt us into staying away from the account that we were "taking the money from Sarah". She doesn't even know that we had to take a bit to pay off our bills that month last year, but overall, I don't know. It's just insane how she constantly brings it all up!

Lastly, the constant nagging and questioning if the baby is okay. I think she believes she is being cute, while also getting the information she wants, but it is killing me inside! "Is the baby okay?" "How's the baby feeling?" "Is little one doing alright?" How I'd like to reply:

"I DON'T FREAKING KNOW! Stop trying to figure out if the baby is going to die because I can't ****** help you!" I know that we aren't supposed to blame ourselves, but I think it's safe to say it's not that rare that we sometimes do. Her constantly asking as though I'm supposed to be able to inform her that baby is okay or that baby is going to die like her sister is draining me so bad! I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone, thinking...!


Rant over. Sorry this is full of negativity, but I'm just so fed up and don't have anyone IRL to talk about it to.

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November 2nd, 2010, 06:53 PM
OwensMommy25's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,885
I"m so sorry you are experiencing this. I have no words of wisdom, just my thoughts and prayers.
Sarah Mom to:

Thanks to Pattyandthemoos For the wonderful siggy!

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November 2nd, 2010, 07:49 PM
GeekMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,294
Your MIL sounds like mine. Annoying. First of all sorry for your loss. Hugs. I can't believe she would say things like that! You need to pay your bills and keep a roof over your head. Isn't that what donations are for is to help?

My MIL did that when I was pregnant and she would drive me up the wall asking if I was ok and if the baby did this that or the other and then ultimately I would miscarry and she would feel like crap. I kept telling her to not get excited cause I would probably lose again and for her to stop bugging me cause I was scared that it would happen and that was causing me stress. Just tell her to stop it and to think about your health in a hard time. I don't know why people dont understand how much it hurts to lose and especially if you get pregnant again how scary it is.

I wish you the best of luck. Its annoying dealing with insensitive people. If you need someone to rant to about it just pm me.

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November 2nd, 2010, 08:35 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6,057
I'm so sorry you have to deal with that As if your loss and other stress is not already enough to deal with. I'm very sorry for your loss by the way. It's hard to tell people to "frick off" politely enough that you don't cause massive drama, but strongly enough that they get the message!!! And your MIL sounds a bit too self-involved to receive the message anyway. What an annoyance.

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November 2nd, 2010, 08:37 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
When I was pregnant with Erin I finally had to tell people to shut up unless they were saying something positive. I had one particular friend who was pregnant for the first time and was seriously incredibly paranoid about miscarrying or something and would come to me with her fears "because I would understand." But yeah, I told everyone that if they were going to talk to me about my pregnancy or any pregnancy they just had to act happy and expect it to turn out okay because I was a million times more freaked out/worried than they were.

But with MILs it's hard. Especially if you live with her, so it's not like you can just tell her to shut up.

Take your time honey. You do what you can when you can.
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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November 2nd, 2010, 10:46 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 5,522
I'm sorry you are having a rough time with her! I don't have any advice, just sympathy. I know how frustrating people can be! A lot of people like to inform me that I am not truly safe until Peter is born. Which is frustrating since I am feeling quite positive about this pregnancy and don't want to bring myself down with thoughts like that!

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November 3rd, 2010, 07:50 AM
lex1078's Avatar Waiting patiently....
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 6,834
Maybe you could just tell her to stop nagging you? Tell her she's not helping and causing you stress with all the questions and accusations and that's not healthy for the baby.

Good luck!

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November 3rd, 2010, 03:58 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) I am Absolutely sure Sarah wants her mommy to be able to pay her rent. Wow. I am so sorry for your loss. more hugs!

I'm not sure what you should tell MIL. Probably that you and baby need positivity right now. I know I just avoided people like that when I was pregnant - but you can't avoid someone you live with. I suppose you could just walk away everytime she's negative. She might 'get it' IDK

Thank you Kiliki for my first beautiful Siggie!

mom of 2 angels and an earth baby
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November 3rd, 2010, 06:26 PM
dee68's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Illinois ( originally From New Jersey:)
Posts: 13,040
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I am sorry you are dealing with all of this ~
first, I think it is shameful that she tells you that you are stealing from Sarah!
I applaud you for not going off on her for that reason alone !

Maybe you could try writing her a letter... a heartfelt one, with your feelings ....it is sometimes easier than talking about it....emotions can get in the way.

if she sees it in writing, it may be easier for her to understand.....it doesn't have to be an argument. And if nothing else, it may be therapeutic for you to get it off your chest.

Many hugs coming your way !!

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November 3rd, 2010, 08:38 PM
KDD's Avatar
KDD KDD is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 16,068
I'm so sorry.

Missing our Angel since April 11, 2008
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November 4th, 2010, 08:21 AM
~LaurenNoel~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 7,909
///...........................Lauren, wife to Jay, mom to Wesley and Ruby


................ ...

Wesley (7.16.09) Severe GERD, FTT, Gastroparesis, Sensory Processing issues, Tube fed, (G tube currently), suspected Mitochondrial Disease, trialing Gastric Stimulator. Nissen Fundoplication 7/2012
Ruby (2.16.11)
Nissen Fundoplication and Hiatal hernia repair 10/25/11
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