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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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April 4th, 2011, 07:54 PM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 11,971
I sincerely thought that having all of my losses fairly early (before 10 weeks) that once I passed my loss milestones and got my NT sonogram...I would start to calm down.

But the opposite has proven to be true. Now that we are not hiding the pregnancy anymore (except from family because we have a special way we want to tell them around Easter), I am getting more nervous by the second. I am terrified of having a miscarriage at this stage and having so many people know about the pregnancy. I know that sounds weird, but the more people who find out, the freaker I feel. I am obsessing about every twinge (which sucks that I am having some lower side cramping these past couple days) and I am checking the baby every single day on the doppler. I used to be able to go at least two or three days between checks. What the heck??? Has anyone else experienced this increase as you got further along? Did it get better again?

I am actually so nervous that I don't want to find out the sex or tell my family in three weeks anymore. Simply because that would make it even worse if something happened. I think my brain is flawed. I really did think I would feel better about things by now. Apparently I thought WRONG. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel slightly better now.
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April 4th, 2011, 08:06 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 5,522
I felt the same way... It seemed that the farther I got along the more anxious about loss I got! By the time he was born I was convinced he wasn't going to make it. The first thing I said after Peter was born was "Holy crap! He's alive!" I am not really sure why I felt this way... My latest loss was at 10 weeks as well.... I think I was getting more attached and the idea of a loss just hurt more because I loved him more.

Anything I bought for him before 30 weeks I ended up returning, because I didn't want to deal with having baby stuff around if I lost him...

I guess I am just trying to let you know that you are not alone. I am sorry you are having a rough time though....

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April 4th, 2011, 08:46 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Originally Posted by stargatemommy View Post
I think I was getting more attached and the idea of a loss just hurt more
This is exactly what I thought.

I get more anxious as I go, but my loss wasn't early. And of course, having someone like me around doesn't help you. Sorry.

Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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April 4th, 2011, 08:49 PM
dreamer10's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Utah
Posts: 2,084
I think it's pretty normal. The further you get the more attached you get and the more people who know. At this point if we lost this baby my kids, my hubby, me and so many friends would be so devastated....it would be so much harder than when I lost my baby at 8 weeks. I would have to hold and say goodbye to my baby. So, on that note I think it's perfectly normal. I think I will start to relax around viability time....try not to worry though....hahaha.....
The adventures of raising a big family....Life, love and family in the Sock Bin! www.thesockbin.blogspot.com

Our rainbow baby Brynlee Sue was born August 17th after four heartbreaking loses! Life is an amazing journey. Hang on, keep your faith and try to always move forward!
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April 4th, 2011, 09:07 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6,057
I really recommend that you try to find something that can relax you... hypnobabies or guided imagery, meditation, yoga, walks, swimming, hot showers... anything, and do it regularly to give yourself a break. It's one thing to feel some dread about having a later loss and have some negativity or worries that get to you from time to time, but if your nerves are really on edge all the time, it is going to wear you down. If you can just trigger a physiological relaxation response regularly (like most days), it will really help you get by. The feelings won't go away but you won't be as nervous/freaked/terrified by them...

I hope this helps. I've dealt with anxiety for years now and what works for me these days is hot showers, yoga and guided imagery, which I still do most days before bed. The pregnancy hormones can make anxiety worse and it's important to have tools to keep it under control, so it doesn't become a habitual state of mind. It's normal and fine to still be worried sometimes and have those feelings, like I said, but something about your tone just made me think of my anxiety (which I still get if I don't try to relax enough), so I wanted to put that out there.


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April 4th, 2011, 09:23 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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Location: Washington
Posts: 22,034
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I can't help. I went for a heartbeat check today at 15 weeks. I am sorry you are still feeling anxious. I am glad you have a doppler at home though that helps.

Thanks .:Shortcake:. for my great siggie

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April 5th, 2011, 12:18 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1
I think Shen7's advise is great! I also deal with anxiety - still sigh. It didn't help that my little girl had to spend a week in the nicu. I was a crazy mess by the time I got to go home. So anyway - here is some stff that helps me. IDK if it will be useful but here it is.
First I tell myself-- it's OK to not freak out. Freaking out - anxiety - any of the little games we play with ourselves (like not buying stuff or whatever) DON'T keep our babies alive. It sucks to not have control - but it's also freeing. You don't have to worry for things to be ok. Likely -- they will just be ok - just go with it.
Enjoy them now. You are pregnant right NOW - your baby is ok right NOW. I used to repeat - 'I believe in my body, my baby is ok' over and over again.And (((hugs))) Viability will probably help. Telling people is OK - it WON"T make the big bad things happen. I promise. If bad things happen - we need our loved ones to support us. We don't have to hide. I wish I could hug you!

Thank you Kiliki for my first beautiful Siggie!

mom of 2 angels and an earth baby
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April 5th, 2011, 05:21 AM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 17,624

My Angels- 12-15-08 @ 13w3d♥ 05-09 @ 6w2d♥ & 2 Early Losses♥ Twins 9-7-10♥ & 10-2-10 ♥ 2/11/11

Expecting my baby boy May 9th
Emergency cerclage put in 12/24

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April 5th, 2011, 05:32 AM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Clarence, Pa
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Thinking of you.
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April 5th, 2011, 07:13 AM
Posts: n/a
I'm the same way. I've worried more in the last two weeks then in the beginning, I think. The problem is now, I'm at a point of no m/s, no sore boobs, nothing to say, "I AM pregnant", ya know? And it's still too early for feeling baby's movements. I'm glad you have a doppler, that must help. Every day you can hear a reminder that your baby is ALIVE and BREATHING!!

Good luck hon! I know it's hard. Just try to find a way to relax a little like the girls said!!
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April 5th, 2011, 09:30 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 744
I am right there with you, too! Definitely the doppler has helped. I have to admit though that at 17 weeks I am STILL checking the tp for blood. It's almost as if I am surprised to realize that everything is ok.

I definitely can echo what the other ladies have said. Take a few moments out of every day to relax and connect with the beautiful life that is growing within your body. The last thing I want to do (esp since this is my last pregnancy) is realize at the end that I wasted this incredible experience by being freaked out through the whole thing.

Easier said than done some times though. Hugs!
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April 5th, 2011, 09:46 AM
8miraclez's Avatar Formerly Halfbaked
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 7,472
Just know you are normal. Try not to let it consume you. I worry too and will continue to worry, probably even after she gets here. I just take it a day at a time and each day is a milestone.

To read updates about our baby born with major birth defects, like our Facebook page
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April 5th, 2011, 10:47 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
I don't have anything to add as I have not gotten as far along as you but wanted to give you hugs.


Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
Do not ever give up hope...

Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.

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April 5th, 2011, 10:49 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 11,971
Okay. That does help that this is not an abnormal reaction (and others who had early losses felt this way too). I never thought that it might be because each day the baby seems more real and if something were to happen now, I would be crushed. It would feel so much more intense, since I am letting myself get attached and am thinking of this child as someone I am going to get to meet. The more I think about that reasoning, the more it seems to make sense. Seeing the baby on the NT scan, waving and wiggling, might have been the trigger...because it has gotten worse by the day since then.

I am going to talk to my counselor about coping skills. I need to come up with some new ones, since most of the ones I have been using for years are tired and overdone. They don't really do the trick anymore. I think I might talk to the doc about going back on my anxiety meds. I have OCD and *can* control it for short bursts...but I think four months might have been my limit (I have been off them since the New Year). I wanted to see if I could make it longer, since I do see a counselor and most of my behaviors are ones I can reason myself out of when I am in a good mental place. But it seems I am deteriorating and hearing people with anxiety issues saying this seems reminicent makes me think I am heading somewhere I don't want to be. So thank you for your responses. I will certainly be getting on the ball.

I really want to enjoy this pregnancy and I find it is so frustrating to be doing just "fine" and then suddenly feel so negative.

And Brittnie, having "people like you" around are far more support than anything else. I appreciate all the kind words ladies
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April 5th, 2011, 07:00 PM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5,756
I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious. I am afraid that will happen with me too as time goes on... how can you not worry all the time about a little person that you love so much? I'm glad you got some good advice and are going to talk to your doctor
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April 6th, 2011, 08:18 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,571
I am feeling the same thing as you, Ashlee. I spilled the beans at work this week, and now I'm more anxious than ever. I don't have a Doppler, and now I'm wishing I had one. Just last night I was going through my mind trying to figure out if anyone local would have one for me to just check. I'm trying to hold off until next week before calling my midwife to ask her to just check me.
Mom of 3 awesome girls

Lucia Jane, born 10.9.11

Forever missing our angel babies
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April 6th, 2011, 09:39 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Originally Posted by ashj_1218 View Post
And Brittnie, having "people like you" around are far more support than anything else.
Awwwwww, thanks!!
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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