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Struggling with when to tell people

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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July 17th, 2011, 07:11 PM
JesSsica's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: northern Indiana
Posts: 1,233
Ok, you can see in my siggie that my dh and I have had a pretty bad run of TTC. After two effortless pregnancies in my first marriage, my poor dh, who has no kids of his own, has never held his own baby despite me being pregnant three other times. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping this is my rainbow baby and my dh will finally be able to hold his very own baby.

Most people decide to wait until after 12weeks to tell. I show really early though (typically) and I don't think I'd be able to hide it until 12 weeks if history repeats itself. Given the fact that we've had so many losses I find now when we announce pregnancy it's "oh wow, again... I hope this time it works out for you". No more excitement or jumping up and down or anything like with my first two.

With my losses for the most part I was so happy that my family and friends knew. There is no way I could've gotten through them without my circle of people. God forbid something happens this time I'd need them to know again.

My worry is that my poor mom internalizes everything. She worries more than I do and cried harder with my losses than I did. I just don't want to see her sad. That said, selfishly, I need my mom if there's something bad in my life.

Also work-- I need to train someone to fill my position when I'm out. The sooner the better because we are short handed with big expansions and changes going on at work. Waiting until my 2nd trimester to tell really would be pushing it with getting someone in and trained.

*sigh* I don't know. We've told no one and I'm bursting at the seems to have someone share our joy. My mom feels that "if I ever get pregnant again" (little does she know) the kids shouldn't be told until later because of all they've been through with us. I feel that it's a part of the circle of life. Nothing should be taken for granted. They need to know too in my opinion. I don't dwell on things and I don't bring things up so it's not like I'm throwing it in their faces and not letting them heal in their own way when a loss happens.

Sorry for rambling. I'm just at such a loss as to when to share with people our good news. I'm now taking an aspirin a day like I was told and my last loss was 14 months ago so I think that's well healed and a great environment for a rainbow baby. Who knows...
~*~ Jessica ~*~
Mom to:
Madison Rey 11-24-2000
Cole Anthony 5-23-2002
Mia Annelise 3-29-2012

^angel^ 10wks, 2 days, D&C 12wks, 3 days 11-2-09
^angel^ 5wks, 5 days 1-2-10
^angel^ 11wks, 1 day 5-22-10 with D&C
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July 17th, 2011, 07:34 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,364
This is just my opinion, and of course you have to do what works for you.

I would only tell the people that you would call regardless if you had a loss. I have only told my close friends and family before 12 weeks. I've had two losses, but one at 21 weeks and the other at 12 weeks. The first, we didn't anticipate any problems and we told everyone, including posting on facebook. I hated that when i got close to my due date, random friends were calling to check in because they hadn't heard the bad news. So the next time we were far more careful and only told the people that we would cry to or confide in. Otherwise it was too hard. This time, once I hit 12 weeks and realized we weren't likely to miscarry, i told more people, but still not on facebook as we want to wait until we get the all clear at the anatomy scan.

As for my ds, he was 3 when we had the first loss and he was devastated. He asked about the baby for months and that made the loss even harder for me. It was awful. So the next time, and this time, we chose not to tell him until 20 weeks when we can be fairly confident we will be able to have the baby. When we lost at 12 weeks we were so glad he didn't know. This time, I'm dying to tell him but i know it would just be so hard for him if anything happened so we are keeping the secret for now. I hate doing this, and he thinks I've had the world's longest tummy ache, but i know it is best for him.

Your kids, being older than mine, makes it quite different, so whatever you decide I'm sure will be right for you.

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July 17th, 2011, 07:49 PM
Posts: n/a
I think if you feel ready and WANT to tell people, to do it. Let them share in the joy, as they will be there to share in the grief (if God forbid there is any.) I don't have siggies turned on, so I don't know how old your kids are, but I kind of agree about waiting to tell them, especially if they are young. If they're old enough to understand things, then by all means, tell them.

And mom are meant to ache and hurt for their children. They're also meant to be happy for them. Give your mom the chance to be happy for you guys. Hopefully, this time, she'll only be happy. No more sadness. good luck. It's a tough but personal choice no matter what you do.
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July 17th, 2011, 08:08 PM
jennybunny82's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Fort Benning, GA
Posts: 1,740
We JUST recently had a loss before this pregnancy. The ONLY people who know this time is my best friend so I'll have someone to talk to and support me and DH's mom. We won't be making a public announcement this time until after I'm 12 weeks. I am only 7 weeks 4 days right now. Last loss was at 8 weeks 2 days.
Thank you to Brie_91 for my perfect new siggy!!!

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July 17th, 2011, 09:22 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,571
Both of my losses were relatively early, before 7 weeks, and before my first ultrasound. What we did with this pregnancy was not tell anyone but one close friend before my first ultrasound. We told a couple more close friends after the first ultrasound that confirmed a heartbeat, and then my family at 9 weeks after a second ultrasound confirming the baby was growing on track. Although I'm sure my mom would have been supportive, I didn't want to worry her if I had another early miscarriage, so that's why I waited, and I also didn't want my younger daughter to know until I felt the chances were much lower of another loss. I didn't tell need-to-know people at work until I was about 11-12 weeks, and we didn't announce on FB until after the anatomy ultrasound at 18 weeks.
Mom of 3 awesome girls

Lucia Jane, born 10.9.11

Forever missing our angel babies
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July 17th, 2011, 09:30 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 744
I can completely relate. I had three consecutive losses before this pregnancy. Taking baby aspirin through this pregnancy, too. I really struggled with when to tell people. When I was on the phone I felt like I was lying as I had the biggest secret in the world and didn't let anyone know. My mom was with me for the U/S that showed the last loss was also not a viable pregnancy and I saw how devastated she felt. I decided not to put her through that again. That being said I did tell a very good friend of mine and it was so good to be able to share that with her. I also went on vacation with her to Maui at 8 weeks along and we told every single stranger we met. I cannot tell you how fabulous it felt to receive all the joy and congrats from complete strangers without any of the attached baggage.

We waited until we heard a heartbeat at 11-12 weeks before we said anything to anyone else. That being said, it is a very personal decision. You need to tell who you need to tell whenever the time is right for you. When you have been through multiple losses the reactions vary from exuberant joy... occasionally a level of excitement that I wasn't feeling myself... to hopefully cautious. You can't control how others respond, you just have to be secure in how you feel and how you will handle it.
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July 17th, 2011, 09:32 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Washington
Posts: 22,034
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I always have to tell work sooner rather than later due to being military. I can't hide it because I need medical referrals and such so my bosses find out the same week I do. My boss kept quiet until I was ready to share with my co workers. I had to spill the beans at work at 10 weeks due to changing uniform. At that point I figured I might as well tell family if work is all going to know. Really you have to do what works for you. If you feel ready and want to tell everyone than I would go for it. If you want to wait then that is ok too. Its such a personal decision its hard for us to say yes do it or no don't. I did make a FB announcement at 12 weeks which was huge for me since both our losses were 15 weeks and 12 weeks so really we weren't out of the woods yet. Good luck with your decision.

Thanks .:Shortcake:. for my great siggie

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