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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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September 27th, 2011, 06:25 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
How are you feeling? Like emotionally - Now that you are holding your rainbow babies how does it feel? Does it feel like a very long, sad journey is over? Does it help the pain of loss fade at all?

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
Do not ever give up hope...

Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.

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September 27th, 2011, 06:46 PM
lindsey2000k's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Ohio
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I know after I had Maidson I felt like it was finally over and I could move on.
But I only had 1 miascarriage before her.... So after 3 more, and more tramic losses I am not sure if I will feel the same after the next.
I sure hope its that same feeling the next rainbow.

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September 27th, 2011, 07:18 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6,057
I have to say some things are totally different, some sad feelings are completely gone. I worried that I would never experience motherhood. I was sad/jealous/forlorn at my good friend and my SIL being pregnant with EDDs right at my loss EDD, and even after I got pregnant again I felt "behind". Now I feel lucky because M is much cuter and more fun than their babies not that there's anything wrong with their babies of course, it's just that M is the best baby ever

I do have some residual sadness but I think it has turned into gratitude somewhat. Sometimes loss can help you appreciate what you do have even more, if you try to work with it that way, and I have tried very hard.

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September 27th, 2011, 07:24 PM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 11,971
It is sorta a weird feeling. I look at Kieran and I have to say, it does blunt the pain of my losses. I can't believe he is here, healthy, and that "I get to keep him." I am still on cloud nine

It feels like a journey just beginning to me. I know it sounds trite...and others might not understand it or feel totally different about it (especially in different situations). But when I look at Kieran, he is the baby I am supposed to have. If I had not taken the path I had taken, he would not be here. And I am not saying I don't mourn the babies I never got to meet. I do and I would love to have them too. But I do feel like Kieran is special in some way and that he and I were supposed to be in this place together. He has helped me appreciate what I never really did before (the ease of getting pregnant, keeping a baby, not worrying every second that something might go wrong). I def feel a stronger and more instant bond with him than I did with Liam. Not sure if that is because he is my second or because I feel we traveled a long path together.

I feel hopeful for the future and happier now that we have stepped a bit away from the losses and have our rainbow.

**I must say though, my losses were rather early and it DOES have an effect on how I feel about things. I would never, ever think that this thought process applies to others, especially those who lost full-term babies or living children.**
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September 27th, 2011, 08:42 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
It might be a bit different for me since my loss was so much later.

But what Shen said about feeling "behind," I really did too. My best friend and I did everything at the same time. We got engaged a day apart, married 5 weeks apart, and pregnant for the first time 2 months apart (I was due first). And actually, her dad died (cancer) 3 weeks after Cora did, so we had our first major losses at the same time too.

Anyway, when her Katy was 6 months old (Cora would have been almost 8 months) we went to a wedding back home (we're from Vegas, but at the time I was living in Idaho and she in Utah). I was pregnant with Erin at this point. Anyway, one of our parents' saw us both, went gooey over Katy then smiled and said "Of course, there's Brittanie, one step behind."

And I've felt that way since. She got pregnant again when Katy was 9 months old, so Jayson is 6 months younger than Erin. And then she got pregnant again when I was pregnant with Patrick. So even though we went through all 3 of our pregnancies together, I was still one behind. Now that I've had my "3rd" I'm now even with her. Weird how that works (and she's done and I'm planning another so I'll be "ahead" at that point!). So dumb when I think about it, but it is what it is.

That said, I'll never be the woman I was before Cora died. And I'll never be the mother I would have been if she hadn't died. I am forever changed. And while my children are amazing and fill me with so much joy, I will always feel like there's a hole in my family.
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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September 27th, 2011, 08:50 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
Thank you ladies for sharing such an inner part of yourselves with us. Keep the stories coming please.

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
Do not ever give up hope...

Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.

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September 27th, 2011, 10:06 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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I feel like Kaitlynn has done so much to heal my broken heart. Its like she has stitched it back together. I will never forget my losses. But the pain isn't nearly like it was. She has been such a blessing in so many ways. And her being my last and my rainbow baby has made her so special and its a different feeling for me with her than my other two. I love all my children but Kaitlynn is different for me. My heart will always bear the scars of my losses but now it isn't an open sore, more a scar that I will carry always. I do feel that she was who I was meant to have and that I was meant to have her so further apart from my other two. I get to have her as a baby just me and her. My other two are so self sufficient that I don't have to share my time as much and can just enjoy her. Its a weird mix of emotions. I have to say I am glad I have her, God's plan was perfect and I believe it was all meant to be. Sounds dumb but its what makes sense to me.

Thanks .:Shortcake:. for my great siggie

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September 27th, 2011, 11:09 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,894
I will never forget where I started from, and where I have ended. Mia was my rainbow baby, after 3 losses and Dillon was my rainbow baby after just one loss. Oddly enough, I felt an instant "in love feeling" with both, that I did not with my other 3 children. It was different and more special. Im already feeling different about this rainbow baby, because she is not the conception of a PAL, but rahter a planned/unplanned pregnancy. She will be loved the same as all my children, but that special feeling will probably only be felt for two of my 6 children.....they were my true rainbows after horrible heart ache, giving their birth experience a whole new meaning. I dont know if this makes sense, but I do feel a difference that Im trying to explain.
momma of 8 beautiful children now. Most recent is Jerry Jr. born 11/19/12 at 37wk, 7lbs 6oz and 19.5inches and Baby Reymundo born 10/7/13 at 35w6d, 6lbs 7oz, 19.5 inches. Momma of 5 angels. New siggy to come!

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September 28th, 2011, 05:25 AM
hearts.0nfire's Avatar STPR lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 11,046
Originally Posted by momof5lopez View Post
Im already feeling different about this rainbow baby, because she is not the conception of a PAL, but rahter a planned/unplanned pregnancy. She will be loved the same as all my children, but that special feeling will probably only be felt for two of my 6 children.....they were my true rainbows after horrible heart ache, giving their birth experience a whole new meaning. .
That's exactly how I feel with this baby because it's the same type of situation.

I will say that once I held Darcy it did feel like it was over. I know if I didn't have my loss (who was due in March) I wouldn't have her (same month she was conceived). Even now I still feel sad for what could have been but I feel so blessed to have her and soon her sister here. It took me a month to even really see her as mine though because I think I was still in shock for awhile that I really had MY baby. It also took away a lot of the hurt that came along with the miscarriage because the week after I lost the baby I remember dh's cousin telling me to suck it up while I was around kids.

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September 28th, 2011, 10:25 AM
robinmichele87's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,164
Thank you all for sharing your personal feelings.

I know it's a bit different for me because I only had 1 loss and it was very early in pregnancy. It was very hard for us and definitely a sad time but after seeing what a lot of you ladies have been through, I know it could have been much worse. I honestly feel as if I can't relate to a lot of you bc my loss wasn't nearly as traumatic and I feel guilty even comparing it..which is one of the reasons I haven't been as active in this board as I should have been throughout my pregnancy but I apologize for that.

I feel very similarly to Ashlee..in the sense that I do feel like I can move on although I'll never forget our angel baby. It's not that constant element of sadness that it was when the loss was fresh. Honestly, I started feeling this way early in this pregnancy. I got pregnant 3 weeks after miscarrying. I just had a feeling that it was going to be okay this time..I still worried, of course..but being pregnant at the same time I should have been with the other baby definitely helped me to move forward in a way. I know if the other baby would have lived, Archer would not exist. I don't know why I had to experience a loss, but I know why I couldn't have brought that child into this world--bc I was meant to have Archer. I feel that very deeply and I do have a special bond with him because of that.

I've been blessed that both of my boys are huge miracles in my eyes. Even before a loss, I never took pregnancy for granted. I was diagnosed with PCOS & Endometriosis at the age of 12 and was told I may not ever be able to have children and if I could, it would probably be very hard. I had 8 years to dwell on that and try to accept it before I was ready to test that theory..and after a year NTNP we got pregnant without meds or treatments..DS1 made me a mommy..the one thing I always wanted and DS2 proved to me that things happen for a reason and what's meant to be will be. I love them both with all my heart and I think experiencing a loss has only made my love for each one stronger bc it just reinforces how precious life is.
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September 28th, 2011, 11:17 AM
MeggysMommy's Avatar 3 + 1
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 10,202
Its a very strange feeling. Knowing that Megan could have been a few months older had I not lost our first baby sometimes makes me wanna cry. Then I look at her and how much I have to be thankful for it really does give me some inner peace.
Cay wife to David mom to Megan 10/01/2010 and April 7/14/2013

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October 1st, 2011, 11:26 AM
ldovey83's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,711
To answer your question now that the pregnancy is over and I am holding my rainbow baby in my arms I am happy but I also miss the pregnancy... It never quiet healed the pain from my losses cause I don't know what might've been with those babies I lost, but Josiah has helped me heal to an extent.. I will never forget and I will have 4 little holes in my heart for the babies I lost, but I look at Josiah and I thank God everyday for him.. He is an absolute blessing, and all the tears I cried and all the times I cried to God praying he would let me expierence pregnancy and a baby again were heard... I don't consider my journey anymore heartbreaking then some of the other mommies that have lost, but I know all of you understand the pain and can relate in some way or another, and that is why this was the only place I came too while pregnant.. You all knew and understood, and helped me through those first milestones... Thank you all, and I am one the other side rooting all the newly pregnant mommies on... You are all in my prayers, and I believe God does hear and answers prayers. We just got to trust Him and remember it is in HIS timing... I love you ladies all...
MY Angels: Angelbean5-28-09 Stickybean8-13-09 SweetAngel6-1-10 Raindrop8-13-10Surpriseling10-20-12
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October 1st, 2011, 11:39 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 5,522
I feel similar to Shen... I felt like I would NEVER be a mother after 10 losses. Even to the day Peter was born I was sure it would never happen for me. Having Peter here has healed me a TON. I know that I am not broken! I don't know that I ever mourned each of my 10 losses individually, it was more of another hit to the same injury. I STILL wasn't a mommy and that's what hurt.

Now that I know that I can successfully have a baby I don't think future losses will hurt as bad. I have already had one since Peter has been born and it hasn't affected me nearly the same way...

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October 1st, 2011, 12:35 PM
luvmykids623's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 13,408
DS and DD are both rainbow babies. They both helped ease the pain of the losses that I had before them. It didn't make me forget or not wish that I was able to know my angels, but like Jessi said, they did help to mend my heart. I'm hoping the same thing happens if we are blessed with the twins making it here safe and healthy.

Thank you Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggy!

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October 1st, 2011, 04:09 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,095
For me, it feels like I've been given a second chance at life. The last four years have been so filled with sadness, anger, and despair that it feels like I am starting a new life. I wish that Chloe didn't have lingering health concerns and that stops me just short of complete happiness, but holding her makes me feel alive again. I hadn't realized just how much our lives were affected by our losses and continued struggles to have a living baby. Looking back it seems there was a dark cloud hanging over every aspect of our life, and with the constant question of whether we would be successful, when I would be pregnant and when I would (hopefully) be off work with a baby, there were so many things in our lives that were simply put on hold. It finally feels like we are moving forward, and I finally feel happy again. I feel joy again, and I can honestly say that I haven't felt that since I lost Eva. I haven't forgotten Eva and Declan, and I will mourn them until the day that I die, but now I don't feel like everything (their deaths, all the pain we've experienced) was for nothing. I hate that I lost Eva and Declan, especially now that we think we know what happened and how they could have been saved, but it all would have been worse if we had never had our miracle. Everything I've been through physically, all that we've been through mentally and emotionally, everything has been for her, and I'd do it again. It doesn't make my losses hurt less, but at least they weren't pointless.

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October 2nd, 2011, 08:46 AM
dreamer10's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Utah
Posts: 2,084
Reading everyone else's respones I have to say they all just about covered everything. Just reading these makes my heart ache and my stomach fill with knots. I went through 9 pregnancies with complete and utter ignorance. I always had sympathy for those women out there who had losses, but I never could have any true empathy. I had four losses, two were really horrible ones, while the other two I almost "expected". All four were devastating and like the others have said, changed me forever. Not all of that change is bad though. I can put my arms around another woman during a loss and know that my warmth and comfort are felt because I can relate. I grew in ways that only a loss could have helped me to grow. I also have the sure knowledge that someday in the next life I will have all 14 of my children with me. Life is never fair, easy or a "breeze". Life is hard, unjust and just plain dumpy at times, but we come out of every thing we experience with a greater understanding of life, ourselves, what we are capable of dealing with, and a greater spiritual understanding. I felt this way for sure after my babies came and went in my life. I sit here and hold my sweet Brynlee and more fully understand the importance of a spirit on this earth, the love of a caring God and things are in greater perspective. I am grateful that I have my rainbow. My heart aches and bleeds for those sweet women who are still trying for their rainbows. May they be blessed soon. I know thats how I feel...blessed!
The adventures of raising a big family....Life, love and family in the Sock Bin! www.thesockbin.blogspot.com

Our rainbow baby Brynlee Sue was born August 17th after four heartbreaking loses! Life is an amazing journey. Hang on, keep your faith and try to always move forward!

Last edited by dreamer10; October 2nd, 2011 at 08:49 AM.
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October 2nd, 2011, 08:21 PM
klt klt is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,233
I had 3 healthy PGs. I had three beautiful boys. I always wanted at least one more. My mom died in March of 08 and I found out I was PG in Sept of 08. I was SURE she sent this miracle to me. But, I was devastated to find out that our little Rufus' (that's what the boys called the baby) hb was gone when we returned from DISNEY!

I love Disney. There are sooo many wonderful memories that our family has there. We go at least once a year. But, now I also have the memory of spotting and finding out that my miracle baby was gone. My son had bought a toy for Rufus. We couldn't wait to bring the baby back to Disney the next year.

I still feel the loss. But, after having Mr. Max... I know that he is the rainbow baby that was meant to be in our lives. I still feel the loss. As a matter of fact, my 13 yr old asked if we could go to Rufus' burial site (They have a burial site for m/cs that was used for our little one).

Hold your babies, ladies. Love them all every day. They are meant to be with us. And, we have angels watching over us. Even though it hurts, we're lucky to have them. And, we were lucky to be our angels' mommies, even if it was only for a short time.

I'm thinking of you all tonight. I'll say a special prayer for our babies, our angel babies, our rainbow babies... I'll be praying for all of em Take care.

OH, and I'll say a special prayer for the PAL mommies tonight, too!
Kelty---Mom of 4 boys!

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October 3rd, 2011, 07:35 AM
robinmichele87's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1,164
All of these responses make my heart ache but they are extremely beautiful as well. I'm so happy we've all been blessed with our rainbows and I hope that the other ladies TTCAL will soon be blessed too!
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