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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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  • 1 Post By l1i2v3
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May 15th, 2012, 06:13 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Montana
Posts: 3,688
You wouldn't think so to watch me or hear me talk. But I'm feeling so detached. I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow. I'm farther than I've ever made it before. I'm pretty sure that I found the heartbeat on the Doppler just before 10 weeks, though I havenít been able to find it again. I have an appointment with the midwife Thursday morning, just for a heartbeat check. If we canít find it Iíll probably try to get in to the free clinic in the next town for a quick ultrasound to reassure myself.

But I feel like Iím just waiting for something bad to happen. Iíve been weepy and a little depressed for no good reason. I just realized that I havenít been posting in my DDC much and that I havenít made any progress on the nursery decorating that I was so excited for a couple of weeks ago. I realized today that I just might not believe that this is going to happen. I talk about having a baby for Christmas, but it just doesnít feel real. I just canít make myself believe that Iím going to get this. I think Iím afraid of hurting even more than the first two times.

I know that everyone here can relateÖ just wondering if there was some time when it just kind of clicks? When you actually started believing that you were going to be taking a baby home with you?

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May 15th, 2012, 06:22 PM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 17,624
What you are feeling is normal. I know that for me I won't feel comfortable until I'm holding a baby in my arms. I think that as the pregnancy goes on it will get better for you but I truly do not think you will feel better until the baby is here.

My Angels- 12-15-08 @ 13w3d♥ 05-09 @ 6w2d♥ & 2 Early Losses♥ Twins 9-7-10♥ & 10-2-10 ♥ 2/11/11

Expecting my baby boy May 9th
Emergency cerclage put in 12/24

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May 15th, 2012, 06:32 PM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Clarence, Pa
Posts: 5,106
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I think what you are feeling is normal. I never believed I would be holding a baby until they put Cody in my arms yesterday.
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May 15th, 2012, 06:45 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12,105
For me, each milestone that has passed has made me a little more confident that I'll be taking home a baby in November. One real turning point for me was when my OB started talking as if she truly believed I would carry the baby for the long-term instead of feeling like she was being cautious and believing I might lose the baby. Today's appt, seeing the baby moving, and finding out that everything looks great so far also went a long way in reassuring me. I think I'll still have my moments of doubt until I'm holding the baby in my arms, but at least it's getting easier to believe and I'm more excited about the pregnancy than afraid now.

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May 15th, 2012, 06:48 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 620
Sorry you're feeling that way as the others have said though, it's completely normal!
I agree with what everyone else has said. Each milestone made me feel a little bit better and a little bit better, but I never really knew that it was going to happen until I had her in my arms.
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May 15th, 2012, 06:52 PM
Hopefulpinkangel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,536
I agree with Robyn. As time goes on, I do believe more and more that I will be holding this baby. The fear never really goes away, but it does make room for hope as time goes on.

Jan 2010 August 2011

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May 15th, 2012, 07:11 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,894
Not hearing the h/b will do horrible things to your mind, I know it does to me when I have gone a day or so without hearing it. I need to hear it on a daily basis, to remind myself that there is a baby in there. I hope your dr. appt gives you back your confidence and you can relax a little. This is all normal......I felt detached with my first rainbow baby until the NT scan.....and not fully attached until my 20wk scan.
momma of 8 beautiful children now. Most recent is Jerry Jr. born 11/19/12 at 37wk, 7lbs 6oz and 19.5inches and Baby Reymundo born 10/7/13 at 35w6d, 6lbs 7oz, 19.5 inches. Momma of 5 angels. New siggy to come!

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May 16th, 2012, 05:28 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Montana
Posts: 3,688
Thanks ladies... I'm so bad at waiting but since I have no choice that's just what I'll do. I talked and cried with DH a bit last night and he's having some of the same fear. It just seems too good to be true right now.

I'm just going to hang on to the fact that there's no "rational" reason for me to worry right now and try to keep myself busy. And hope that I have a very active baby that kicks a lot and early! I love coming to this board and especially seeing the mamas here get their rainbow babies... it does help me feel a tiny bit of hope!

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May 17th, 2012, 12:30 PM
..Penelope..'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Missing our angel baby since Feb 7, 2009

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May 17th, 2012, 02:13 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,650
I am sure we all can relate. I've past already all 3 m/c dates and I'm still fearing bathroom trips. I am dying to get back home tomorrow so I can grab the monitor and see if I can hear the baby. Still haven't been able to hear heartbeat but when I checked last Sunday, he/she was moving a ton.

It takes time and I don't the fear leaves until you hold the baby for the first time
Katrina, mom to 7 wonderful children on earth, and 4 guardian angels in heaven.

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May 17th, 2012, 03:52 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I'm with Stacey, I never really believe it until I'm holding them and they actually come home with me.

I think detachment is normal, and perfectly fine even. I especially agree with Lori about the heartbeat. I think that's the reason I never rented a doppler. Especially as early as you are, it's possible and probable that it's just that you can't find the heartbeat, not that it's not there. I've had OBs not even try the doppler until after 12 weeks, and even then take a while to find it (talk about panic in the OBs office!).

Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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May 17th, 2012, 04:39 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Montana
Posts: 3,688
Well the midwife found the heartbeat without any problem this morning! And it turns out I've been looking way too low - my uterus is a bit further above my pubic bone than I thought. Now I'm anxious to try on my doppler and see if I can find it. Because it certainly helped to hear that little "chugga chugga chugga". Of course my wonderful midwife said that anytime I needed to go in for a check for reassurance to just call her.

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May 23rd, 2012, 02:37 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Delaware (the state!)
Posts: 7,513
I am just seeing this, but I am so glad that your MW was able to reassure you. I do agree, the attachment will come with time and that time may not be until you are holding that LO in your arms for the first time. I have had my moments back and forth, I think I will really feel the best when baby is in my arms!
4/2008 8/2011

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May 24th, 2012, 05:05 PM
Moldovandish's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 4,602
yay for finding the heartbeat! I know how you feel. I felt like this for most of the first trimester and probably till the anatomy scan. It helped to get a doppler and listen to the heartbeat at home. Now it helps to feel the baby move. But I won't completely be at ease till I have this baby in my arms.

Baby Caleb - born on Sept. 15, 11.31 pm, 8 lb. 15 oz.
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