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continuing (irrational) fear

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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June 7th, 2012, 01:36 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 7,051
There was a song that I listened to a lot during my 2nd miscarriage. That was a really raw time for me. We had no known cause for our losses, we didn't know if we'd be able to carry to term with a future pregnancy. That baby was conceived very shortly after my father died suddenly and I had felt like the baby was a gift to help me through the mourning process--so it hurt extra hard when we lost that particular baby. I had to wait two weeks between finding out the baby died and when my body caught on, which meant anxiety about having to take cytotec to induce miscarriage (and I had made the mistakes of googling to read others' experiences with it--coming up with phrases "pass out from the pain" and "So much pain I thought I was going to die").

Anyway, listening to that song brought back that flood of emotions and made me cry. I'm 3-7 weeks away from holding this baby in my arms. And part of the emotions that came back was the fear when I first got pregnant that I'd carry to term and lose the baby at the end. I thought I had mostly gotten past that since I was no longer dwelling on it. And now I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose this baby. I know she's alive right now. But will she be alive in two, three, or even four weeks?

I have fear that some "hidden" problem is going on in there that simple doppler heart rate and kick counts isn't revealing. Like cord problems or placenta problems or something like that. I haven't had an ultrasound since the anatomy scan (because there hadn't been any "medical need").

Ugh. I hate PAL.
Mama to an elementary school boy, kindergarten girl, and my miracle toddler girl.
Three 10w losses (11/2010 + 8/2011 + 10/2014)
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June 7th, 2012, 03:32 PM
kaylakay's Avatar Love Being A Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Utah
Posts: 1,472
I feel the exact same way... I'm waiting to hold my baby any day now and I worry every single day. I just wish she'd hurry up and come so I could relax a little and get a whole new set of worries.

I also haven't had an ultrasound since my anatomy scan... I've had no reason too. So all these other women who get them and find all these potential problems makes me worried I have one but we wouldn't know since I haven't seen my LO since 20 weeks! Right now all I can do is wait for her to be born and hope everyday she's healthy and happy.

PAL sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. But one thing that keeps me going is if I've made it this far the cards are in my favor! Really anyone that makes it past 12 weeks will most likely bring a baby home. Take it day by day. If your LO is moving normal one day then smile that another day they are A-OK and move onto the next... That's all we really can do.

Forever missing my 3 angel babies. Sep 2010, Nov 2010, Jan 2011
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June 8th, 2012, 02:07 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Washington
Posts: 22,034
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I'm so sorry. I hate that PAL robs us of the fun of pregnancy and the excitement of their arrival. I pray things go smoothly until you hold your baby.

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Thanks .:Shortcake:. for my great siggie

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June 8th, 2012, 04:18 PM
LiamsMother's Avatar Amanda (Amahnda)
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Lincoln, NE
Posts: 796
We all no longer have the innocence of nothing has happened, therefore, nothing ever will happen. It seems instead that something has happened, one or more times, there's no reason to expect anything good will happen. I get scared, too. I'm in the "safe zone" but my baby isn't at viability yet. I worry that I'll lose him because loss seems to be on the hunt for me and it'll eventually find me again. I try to take it day by day. Today, I'm fine, but tomorrow, I don't know how I'll feel. So, I'll take the time to enjoy the mild ease that today's emotions bring. I wish I had a more profound answer that would ease your mind and take away your fear. I'm sorry I don't. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that you're LO is ok now and there's no reason you should think that something will inevitably happen.

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June 9th, 2012, 07:18 AM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,894
I feel the same way. Once I pass the 24wk mark, my anxiety triples. Before then, I tell myself its all in God's hands, cant do anything to help my baby. After that point, when they have a chance at survival, I freak, cause it IS UP TO ME to make sure I notice every little thing. So the first half of my pg is alot less stress than the second part. I feel like if I miss something, it will be my fault. I do hate this part of PAL, it takes a toll on my body for sure.
momma of 8 beautiful children now. Most recent is Jerry Jr. born 11/19/12 at 37wk, 7lbs 6oz and 19.5inches and Baby Reymundo born 10/7/13 at 35w6d, 6lbs 7oz, 19.5 inches. Momma of 5 angels. New siggy to come!

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June 11th, 2012, 11:53 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Delaware (the state!)
Posts: 7,513
It really is hard, but I wouldn't call it irrational. Those of us that have gone through loss can't help but wonder the "what ifs" and all we can do is take it day by day sometimes. I am 38+ weeks and yesterday the baby didn't move right when I woke up, I had literally been awake for 5 minutes, and I worried, then I tried to tell myself, hello, you have only been awake for 5 minutes. We feel silly sometimes, but it's all we can do to keep ourselves sane, focus on certain things, sometimes those things make us insane with worry...a vicious cycle I tell ya!

4/2008 8/2011

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