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Oh I CLEARLY underestimated how much this would suck...

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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September 21st, 2012, 11:37 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 11,971
...seriously. Did I forget how hard early pregnancy was? The anxiety I mean. Wow.

I actually feel more with this pregnancy than I remember with Kierans. Maybe I just forgot how hard it is (sorta like labor brain). But I am clearly kirking out. I can't even explain why!!

I mean, rationally, a loss would suck. But I can handle it. I have before, several in a row. And I know I am strong enough to handle it now. So why can I not stop analyzing every single thing??

I am a very rational person..and yet, I can't rationalize myself calm. BUMMER!

Nine more days til sonogram day. At least I wouldn't feel in limbo anymore once we see what might be happening in there. Right now, I feel like I am waiting for the bad to come.

Vent over....I know all the ladies in here know what I am talking about. Thus my letting it out here!
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September 21st, 2012, 12:06 PM
LindseyE117's Avatar Wookie's Girl
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 3,741
Oh yes. This is why Layne is our last baby. I do not think I could go through all that worry again. Your betas were excellent though. How far along are you?

Thank you Shortcake for my beautiful siggy!
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September 21st, 2012, 02:11 PM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 11,971
^^It has seriously brought into question whether stopping at three might be for us. I can't imagine doing this two or three more times if, in fact, I have losses. It's nuts!

But I am just 5w1d today. My betas were very promising, but I only had two done. And I can't help but worry about the ping-ponging symptoms (they disappear for a minute, I panic!) and all the other stuff that "could" be wrong (blighted ovum, ectopic, etc, etc).

And it does seem related to the fact that getting pregnant was SO EASY. I mean, I know mamas who struggle to get and stay pregnant and it just seems that if this "fell" into my lap...there has to be a catch. And the fact that I am totally attached to having a Spring baby. I want this one to stick SO BAD.

But thanks for the kind words. I know you ladies have been through this and know all about how this feels
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September 21st, 2012, 03:22 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12,105
This is why I was really hoping, that even though it would be difficult, I was pregnant with fraternal boy/girl twins. I hope the first trimester flies by and you have a great ultrasound!

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September 21st, 2012, 03:34 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
i just want to reach out and hug you Ashlee & warp you to 2nd trimester so you'd be past some of the anxiety....i hope the u/s brings you some reassurance, the waiting & the worrying just sucks, no other way to say it.

Savannah Stylin!

Remembered Forever with Love
10/13/2008 (@9w2d) 10/18/2011 (@8w5d) 2/12/2012 (@4w3d) 8/13/2012 (@10w3d)
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September 21st, 2012, 08:23 PM
LiamsMother's Avatar Amanda (Amahnda)
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Lincoln, NE
Posts: 796
As far as symptoms go, I barely had any with this pregnancy and they came and went and he's ultra-healthy. So, don't worry about the presence or absence of symptoms, that doesn't tell the full story. Praying everything goes ok for you.

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September 21st, 2012, 08:29 PM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11,023
Good luck! we are definately pulling for you and your sticky bean!
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September 22nd, 2012, 08:26 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,650
. It's totally normal as you know and sadly nothing anyone can say can really ease your mind. Once you see the HB, it will help a ton. Hang in there, only a few more days to go.
Katrina, mom to 7 wonderful children on earth, and 4 guardian angels in heaven.

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September 22nd, 2012, 09:21 AM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Clarence, Pa
Posts: 5,106
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As you are aware it is totally normal. I worried everyday I was pregnant with Cody. Since we had such a hard time keeping pregnant I was always waiting for the other shoe to fall. We want to try for another one. The one thing that keeps holding me back is knowing I will worry. I don't know if I can handle that again. I can't wait for your update after you have your ultrasound.
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September 23rd, 2012, 09:02 PM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,894
I like you, fell pregnant very easy after having my first rainbow baby 2yrs ago. I have since had one more and one on the way. I was NTNP with my second rainbow and worried from the day I conceived her. With this third baby (my seventh) I actually had an IUD fail, and was so mixed up emotionally, as I knew the only reason I had bc put in place was due to never wanting to travel down this anxiety road again. The first month of being pregnant this time I was angry, sad, scared, excited and in love immediately. All at once. Kept saying how I just knew this was going to end in m/c cause I had already two back to back healthy pregnancy's and I HATED THAT I WAS GOING TO END ON THIS NOTE. I still worry, every day........it never did get easier, not with any of them. But IM GRATEFUL for all of my rainbows and know that this worry to shall end and I will hold "HOPEFULLY" in my arms the grand prize at the end. It is worth it, it just takes its toll on us.........Hang in there, and I pray all is just perfect at your u/s!
momma of 8 beautiful children now. Most recent is Jerry Jr. born 11/19/12 at 37wk, 7lbs 6oz and 19.5inches and Baby Reymundo born 10/7/13 at 35w6d, 6lbs 7oz, 19.5 inches. Momma of 5 angels. New siggy to come!

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September 24th, 2012, 07:14 AM
Shadeauxe's Avatar It's me
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 5,820
Anxiety and fear are never logical. It's like a mechanical bull, you just have to hold on and ride it out.
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September 24th, 2012, 10:02 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,409
Good luck at your sono!! I completely understand your fears. We want a third child but I am not looking forward to all the anxiety that comes with the first trimester of pregnancy. Please vent away and know that we are here for you.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
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September 24th, 2012, 03:28 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 6,913
I'm with you, ash! I think the moms in the DDC's have the typical anxiety, but until you've had a loss, you don't know the meaning of anxiety. I feel so different from my first pregnancy, the one that went just fine and all normal. Now I feel like my anxiety is just on a constant simmer with occasional flares. It doesn't help I've been spotting a lot lately. It just takes me right back to what happened last time.

I hope the time goes fast for us...but I also know it will probably drag, like it has been. Just have to keep getting up every morning.

I worry that my anxiety is going to hurt the baby somehow. I don't really feel like there's much I can do about it though.

Little Bud: Blooming in Heaven 1.24.12
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September 25th, 2012, 07:51 PM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5,756
Anxiety is the worst. Boo, anxiety! Leave Ash alone! But just think about that absolutely amazing feeling you'll have when you walk into your u/s, so twisted up inside because you're half sure that everything's gone wrong, and then you see your perfect little baby on that screen I hope time flies for you until then!

P.S. Somehow I missed your pregnancy announcement, and I'm so happy for you!
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September 28th, 2012, 08:12 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 11,971
^^This was the announcement! Lol. Its just a little different for me this time, waiting for the foot to drop. So I am trying not to get too excited.

It's weird how the statistics are on my side. My levels rose nicely, my tests got darker like they should have, I do have some symptoms, I am taking care of the medicine aspect that would give my baby the best chance, i am not bleeding or excessively cramping, i am young and healthy. So realistically, I am probably in the 90% of all pregnancies that turn out fine. But my brain has it flipped around and I am so sure I have a 90% chance of something being wrong. That there wont be a baby on Monday. I don't even feel like I have a half-half chance.

And I can't help but think about the women who say "I just knew something was off with the pregnancy" when they have a loss. And that is how I feel. That there is "something wrong" with the pregnancy. Hence why I can't get excited or even happily nervous about the prospect of having a baby.

Monday is quickly approaching. I am 100% sure I will be crying before I ever step foot in the sonogram room. My appt isn't until 2pm and its an hour away. So I prolly won't be back to update til evening time. But any spare prayers you have would be appreciated. I don't really have a lot of support, since only my husband knows and he sucks at support. I refuse to tell anyone else until I know things are okay on Monday.
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September 30th, 2012, 08:09 PM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Clarence, Pa
Posts: 5,106
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Sending you lots of prayers and thoughts for a wonderful heartbeat tomorrow.
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October 2nd, 2012, 10:03 AM
martilynne's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,987
I totally understand. I just spent the past few weeks freaking out about my 20 week u/s, I was so sure there was going to be something wrong with this little guy Of course there wasn't but I guess that's just how our minds work after losses.

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