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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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October 24th, 2012, 10:07 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,259
Hi im currently 9wks pregnant with my 3rd baby, i also have a 4y DS and a 2y DD. I was going to be having twins until i found out yesterday that Baby B died. The doctor said that i most likely wont miscarry due to the placement of the babies. This is my 3rd loss and it is definatly my hardest. I dont know how i feel about it all. I was nervous to get attached incase something happened and now that i have lost one i feel really detached from the whole pregnancy. I feel awful about it because there is a happy healthy baby still there but i just dont feel the connection. Im sorry to vent like this but i dont know what im supposed to do next. Any advice would be great. Thank you.
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October 24th, 2012, 10:34 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,409
I am so sorry that you lost one of your twins. It sounds like good news though that your dr thinks you won't miscarry the other baby though. I'm sure once you begin to feel that sweet baby kick and move you will become completely attached to it. Just give yourself time to grieve the loss of your the one twin and time to become attached to the other one.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
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October 24th, 2012, 11:56 AM
lindsey2000k's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 5,966
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I am so sorry for your loss. I could not imagine the rollarcoaster of emotions you are feeling ((((HUGSSSS))))

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October 24th, 2012, 01:57 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Delaware (the state!)
Posts: 7,513
I am so sorry you had to go through that! One of the girls from my DDC found out that she had m/c a twin and she didn't even know she was pregnant with twins, she felt the same way you feel and it took her some time to get through it, but then she was able to heal somewhat and became attached to the baby that she was still carrying. A loss takes time to grieve over, so don't feel guilty about that, time will help you become attached to that other sweet baby you are still carrying.
HUGS!! And welcome to the board
4/2008 8/2011

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October 24th, 2012, 02:30 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,259
Thank you all so much! I know i will make it through it but it is still hard.
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October 25th, 2012, 05:40 PM
martilynne's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,987
Congrats on your pregnancy and sorry for your losses.

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October 26th, 2012, 06:42 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,154
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I too lost a twin in my current pregnancy, at a similar time (after we'd already seen the heartbeats of both babies, twice) and it was so hard. I'd had two prior losses and don't have any children yet, and I very nearly fell apart with that miscarriage. There was such a complex mix of emotions... I don't know that I could describe them all even now. Heartbreak at losing the baby, guilt that I didn't want to think about or connect to the baby that remained because I was so flipping terrified I'd lose that one too, guilt when I started to connect to the remaining baby that I was thinking about that one and not thinking enough about the one I lost... it's just a lot to manage emotionally on top of all the regular grief that comes with a loss. And then there were the people who were telling me within just a few days of the loss that I had to pull it together and focus on my remaining pregnancy, that my stress was dangerous for the baby I was still carrying. And those who blew off the miscarriage with "well, you're lucky you still have one" or "one is enough anyway". It was just awful, all around, and I am so, so sorry you're going through something similar.

Advice? Time was really what helped me to feel better I think. Oh, and my OB telling me that my stress and grief was NOT causing harm to the baby I was still carrying, that it was not going to cause me to miscarry that one too. I was worried at the start that it might not ever happen, but in time I did begin connecting to the remaining baby and became sincerely happy and excited about my pregnancy, and over time my guilt surrounding that excitement has decreased a lot too. I've also been seeing a therapist (I was seeing her before the pregnancy for help dealing with infertility/fertility treatments), and a MFM/perinatologist, and in combination those things have given me a lot of reassurance along the way that my grief is normal, my guilt is normal, my fears are normal and justified, etc.

Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope everything goes very smoothly with your pregnancy from this point forward, and I hope that with some time you will be feeling better about it. If I can be of any help or even if you just need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to send me a message.

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October 26th, 2012, 07:44 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,259
Chickadee- thank you so much for sharing that, you really summed up how i feel. I have my next ultrasound in 3 weeks and im hoping that seeing my happy healthy baby will help. Againg thank you so much for sharing your storym
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October 26th, 2012, 12:25 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,154
You're more than welcome, and I will hope that your ultrasound shows that everything is going just fine with your baby. I know how hard it is to wait for that reassurance.

Some thoughts, just in case they are helpful at all for you:

First, do you have a home doppler? I wasn't able to pick up my baby's HB on mine until I was about 11 weeks along, but after that it was SO helpful in reassuring me and getting me through from one ultrasound to the next until I started feeling the baby move. I had bleeding and persistent cramping in my pregnancy from 7 through about 14 weeks due to an SCH (it did not cause the twin miscarriage), and it was only after I could start picking up the baby's HB on the doppler and could check it anytime I wanted that I started to relax a little and think that things might be ok. For me it was very worth the $70 I spent on it.

Second - it took me a few weeks after the miscarriage (I was honestly pretty non-functional at first), but I made a conscious and determined decision at some point to start loving this baby that I'm carrying. I still couldn't feel confident at that I wasn't going to lose him, but I decided I had to love him and appreciate him for however long I might have him - because as devastated as I would be to lose him, I knew even worse would be losing him and not having ever allowed myself to love him. For me, he might have been the only baby I would ever even carry that far - I had no idea, and no control, and I had to choose to love him for whatever time I might have with him. I also realized (or just decided?) that this baby was stronger than I was. That even when I felt like I was falling apart, he was growing and thriving. I ended up on bedrest for a bit in my first trimester because the SCH kept growing and I had some placental abruption because of it, and it was just hell to be so terrified all the time that I was going to lose the baby. And yet every time I went in for an ultrasound, my baby looked perfect and he had that strong, beautiful heartbeat. He was stronger than I was.

It makes me cry a lot again to write all of that, and I'm sorry if it's too much. Everyone reacts so differently to these things, and what I needed to do might be completely different than what helps you to heal. I'm just putting all these things out there just in case any of it is helpful in any way.

Out of the emotional, and on to the medical (it helps me to focus on the practical) - my understanding is that it is not uncommon to lose a twin in the first trimester (and it happens in something like 20-25% of twin pregnancies, it's just that most women never knew they were pregnant with twins before the loss because they don't have a really early ultrasound), and that it really is just like many other early miscarriages. That is, it's most likely due to some sort of genetic/chromosomal abnormality that was incompatible with life, and it has nothing to do with the baby that remains. Both of my doctors at the time said that I was no more likely to lose the second baby than I would have been without the twin loss. That was comforting for me to know. What was also oddly comforting for me was to learn that twin losses in the first trimester are the safest time to lose a twin. Second and third trimester twin losses bring a much higher likelihood of spontaneous loss of the second baby, preterm labor and delivery, and other complications. So if there was anything to be grateful for, it was that the loss occurred when it did – at a time when it would pose almost no risk to the baby I was still carrying.

Again, I'm so sorry. It is so hard, I know. I really, really hope that everything goes smoothly for you, and I will be thinking about you.

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